God's Ark Adventure
Scene: God, now a dishevelled figure in a fig-leaf toga, stands in a muddy field with a half-built ark behind Him. He squints at a list titled “Mandatory Passenger Manifest,” which includes an exhaustive catalogue of every species on Earth.
God: (groaning) "Two of every kind? What was I THINKING? I should’ve just gone with fish. They’d be fine in a flood."
He picks up a celestial hammer, swings it half-heartedly, and accidentally smashes His thumb.
God: "Ow! Do I even HAVE thumbs? I thought these were supposed to be perfect!"
He grabs a divine megaphone and calls to the heavens.
God: "Angel Logistics Department! I need ALL the animals, pronto!"
Nothing happens. He checks His pockets for a celestial pager, finds it empty, and grumbles.
God: "Right. Evicted. No staff. Guess it’s just Me."
Act 1: The Wrangling
God materialises in the savannah, holding a lasso and a half-eaten fig.
God: "Alright, giraffes! Let’s go. Line up! Single file!"
The giraffes ignore Him and continue chewing leaves. Frustrated, He conjures a bush that miraculously grows chocolate bars. The giraffes immediately stampede toward Him, nearly trampling Him in the process.
God: "Okay, note to self: never underestimate the power of chocolate. Next!"
He teleports to the Arctic, shivering violently in His fig-leaf toga.
God: "Penguins... polar bears... seals... This will be quick."
A polar bear charges at Him. God yelps and frantically conjures a wall of ice.
God: "WHY did I make these things so aggressive? And why did I think they needed TEETH?!"
The penguins waddle up, looking smug.
God: "Oh sure, YOU guys are cooperative. Probably because you don’t have thumbs either."
Act 2: The Logistics Nightmare
Back at the ark, God surveys a chaotic scene. Animals of all sizes are crammed into every corner, bleating, roaring, and squawking. Two ostriches attempt to squeeze through the door, only to get stuck.
God: "Why did I make you so tall? And why TWO of everything? I could’ve just cloned you later!"
A pair of sloths takes an hour to climb the ramp. God taps His foot impatiently.
God: "Seriously? This is why the flood hasn’t started yet. I’m waiting on YOU."
Suddenly, a mosquito buzzes around His head. He tries to swat it away but misses.
God: "Why did I include YOU on the list? I should’ve drowned you in a puddle eons ago!"
The mosquito lands on His nose. He glares at it.
God: "Fine, you’re in. But if you bite Me, I’ll reconsider your place in creation."
Act 3: The Final Straw
The ark is now packed, but God realises the roof is leaking. He stands on top, holding a makeshift patch made of fig leaves and duct tape.
God: (shouting) "Why didn’t I make Myself better at carpentry? Noah made this look so easy!"
A nearby raven caws loudly, mocking Him.
God: "Oh, laugh it up, you feathered troll. You’re just jealous I didn’t put YOU in charge."
Epilogue: The Flood Begins
Rain starts pouring as God stands in the doorway of the ark, drenched but triumphant. He holds a clipboard with a smug smile.
God: "Alright, everyone’s aboard. Let’s ride this out and start fresh!"
The ark lurches forward, and God realises He forgot to install a rudder. Panicking, He grabs a flamingo to use as an oar.
God: "This... is going to be a long 40 days."
The ark sails off into the storm, leaving a trail of disgruntled animals and one very frazzled deity.
