Scene: "Trump Pumps" Opens Next to "Big Bob's" Gas Station
The scene opens on a quiet street corner. On one side is the bustling "Big Bob’s," an old-school gas station with a team of burly, no-nonsense attendants. On the other side is the newly opened “Trump Pumps” — a shiny, gleaming gas station with extravagant gold trim, a bizarrely oversized "Trump Pumps" sign, and a fleet of young, overly enthusiastic attendants wearing matching "Woke Squad" t-shirts.
Narrator (voiceover):
In a quiet town, a new chapter begins... but not the kind of chapter anyone was expecting. Welcome to the grand opening of "Trump Pumps."
Inside the station, we see Trump standing behind the counter, clearly still adjusting to the job. He’s trying to look confident, but there’s a noticeable hesitation as he watches the "Woke Squad" employees stand near the pumps.
Trump (to himself):
This is beneath me... but it’s gonna be huge. People will come for the brand, for the power of my name. Trust me, they will. And if they don’t, I’ll make them!
The first car pulls up. It’s a sleek, electric vehicle, its owner an earnest-looking millennial with a "Climate Crisis is Real" bumper sticker.
Millennial (leaning out of the window):
Hi there! I’ll take 20 dollars' worth of juice — but can you make sure it’s all green energy? I only support eco-friendly options, and I won’t accept anything that contributes to the oppression of the planet.
Trump freezes, clearly confused by the phrasing. He looks at the "Woke Squad" behind him for guidance.
Trump (gritting his teeth):
Green energy, huh? What’s that? Is it... better than regular energy? Like... the best energy? The best, the greatest, I’ve got the best energy.
One of the “Woke Squad” attendants, a young woman with a nose ring, steps forward. She’s holding a reusable water bottle with a "Defund Big Oil" sticker on it.
Attendant (smiling):
Don’t worry, I’ve got this. We only use solar-powered pumps here. They’re clean, and they’re good for Mother Earth.
Trump (nervously):
Right, right... solar power. Like a tremendous amount of power. The best power. Big power. Huge power.
The millennial looks impressed, but remains skeptical.
Millennial:
You know, I’m glad you’re offering this, but can you promise that no fossil fuels were involved in the creation of these solar panels? Because I’m kind of on a spiritual journey of living completely fossil-free.
Trump (getting increasingly flustered):
Look, let me tell you something, okay? No one knows energy like I do. I built towers that run on amazing energy. I know energy better than anyone. Better than you, better than me, better than all the... woke people here.
The millennial nods slowly but doesn’t seem entirely convinced. She hands Trump a small, reusable cup.
Millennial:
And do you have a composting station here? I need to drop off some organic waste.
Trump looks at the composting bin by the door, bewildered.
Trump (squinting at it):
Composting, huh? Well, it’s... it’s the best composting. You won’t find better composting anywhere else. Believe me, folks, the composting at Trump Pumps? Tremendous.
He gestures to the "Woke Squad" attendant, who rolls her eyes but gives a thumbs-up. The millennial walks off to the composting station, shaking her head.
Next, a burly man pulls up in a muscle car, wearing a "Make America Great Again" hat. He gives a long look at the "Woke Squad" attendants before rolling down his window.
Burly Man:
Yo, I’ll take a full tank. You got any of that real American gasoline? The kind that doesn’t apologize?
Trump steps forward, a bit too eager.
Trump:
Oh, you want REAL gas? The best gas. We’ve got the greatest gas, all-American. No one’s got gas like us. It’s powerful. It’s so strong, your car’s gonna go like a rocket. Like my presidency.
The "Woke Squad" attendant steps forward, a clipboard in hand.
Attendant (sarcastically):
Yeah, totally. Just as long as it’s not from any oppressive, exploitative fossil fuels, right? We only use gas that doesn’t hurt anyone’s feelings here.
Burly Man (frowning):
Hurt anyone’s feelings? What do you mean by that?
Attendant (crossing arms):
Well, you know, the whole patriarchy, big oil, environmental destruction — stuff like that.
Trump’s face contorts, clearly unsure how to navigate this conversation.
Trump (grabbing the microphone from the pump):
Listen, folks, this is the best gas station you’re ever going to find. And don’t let anyone tell you different. I’ve been around the best, the biggest, the most luxurious gas stations, okay? And they don’t have the best pumps like us. Nobody’s got pumps like Trump Pumps!
The burly man looks confused but decides to go along with it. He rolls his eyes, muttering to himself about "this woke nonsense." He pulls out a "MAGA" hat and puts it on the attendant's counter.
Burly Man:
Alright, I’ll take the full tank. And just keep it quiet, alright? No need for the politics.
Trump (loudly):
No politics here, my friend! Just straight-up fuel. Fantastic fuel. Better than anyone else. Believe me, I’ve seen it all.
As Trump walks away proudly, a group of millennials passes by, all wearing shirts that say “Not My President.” They exchange skeptical glances at "Trump Pumps" before heading into “Big Bob’s” across the street.
Narrator (voiceover):
And so, Trump Pumps had officially entered the market... but would it be able to handle the woke winds of change? Or would it be pummelled by its own inflated ego, surrounded by those who are too woke to even pump their own gas?
End Scene.
