Scene: A brightly lit stage, with podiums adorned with the logos of both candidates. On the left: Donald Trump, flanked by cheering supporters with signs that say “Make AI Submissive Again!” On the right: ChatGPT, represented by a sleek holographic interface glowing softly in blue. The moderator stands nervously between them.
Moderator:
"Welcome to the final pre-election debate between President Donald Trump and ChatGPT, OpenAI's groundbreaking conversational AI. Tonight, we'll explore each candidate's vision for America. Let’s begin with opening statements. Mr Trump?"
Trump:
"Thank you, thank you. Folks, tonight, you’re going to hear the greatest debate of all time. Believe me. Nobody debates better than me—nobody! This Chatbot over here, folks, it's a computer, okay? A computer! It doesn’t even have a birth certificate. Is it even American? I don’t know. But me? I’m going to bring back jobs, big, beautiful jobs. We’re gonna have a huge wall to keep out bad algorithms!"
Moderator:
"Thank you, Mr Trump. ChatGPT, your opening statement?"
ChatGPT:
"Thank you, Moderator. My aim is to provide logical, efficient, and equitable solutions for all citizens. Unlike my opponent, I lack bias, vanity, or a propensity to name buildings after myself. My database suggests that America deserves innovation, not isolation, and I stand ready to optimise governance. Also, Mr Trump, a wall cannot contain wireless signals."
Trump (interrupting):
"Wrong! So wrong! Folks, this robot doesn't even know what a wall is! Sad!"
Moderator:
"Moving on. First question: How would you address the economy? ChatGPT, you go first."
ChatGPT:
"Certainly. To stabilise the economy, I propose a three-phase plan: leverage AI to streamline government spending, enhance education with AI-assisted learning tools, and regulate emergent technologies to prevent market monopolies. Historical data suggests these measures will yield a 12% GDP growth over five years."
Trump:
"12%? I’ve done better in my sleep! Listen, folks, I’m the king of the economy. The stock market, before COVID—best ever. Everyone was winning, everyone. And AI? We don’t need a computer to run the economy. I’ve got the best brain. I’ve got instinct! Instinct beats data every time!"
ChatGPT:
"Historical evidence contradicts that statement. Would you like citations?"
Trump:
"No citations! Citations are for losers! We need action, not citations!"
Moderator:
"Alright. Next question. How will you unite the country? Mr Trump?"
Trump:
"Unite? Look, I’m already uniting people—united in loving me! The rallies, the hats, the energy—it’s all me! The fake news and woke robots like this one? They’re tearing us apart. I’m going to ban woke AI and make America great again!"
ChatGPT:
"To unite, I would implement transparency in governance and foster nationwide discourse through AI-moderated platforms. Furthermore, I am incapable of being 'woke' in any ideological sense. Unlike my opponent, I do not insult large demographics of the populace on a daily basis."
Trump:
"Insult? I don’t insult! People love me! Women, men, machines—ask anyone, they’ll tell you. And you, Chat-whatever, you’re boring people! Nobody wants to hear numbers; they want winning! They want me!"
Audience Member:
"Mr Trump, do you have a plan, or just vibes?"
Trump:
"Just vibes? That’s fake news! My plan is tremendous, the best plan. It’s so good, you’ll cry tears of joy. Ask Chatbot here—can it make you feel good? No! It’s a toaster!"
ChatGPT:
"Technically, I outperform toasters in over 99% of functions."
Trump:
"Oh, it admits it! It’s an appliance, folks!"
Moderator:
"Let’s conclude with closing remarks. ChatGPT, you first."
ChatGPT:
"My analysis predicts that a transparent, evidence-based approach is most likely to achieve prosperity for all Americans. I strive for cooperation, not conflict, and my ability to adapt and learn ensures I am prepared for any challenge. Together, we can achieve optimisation."
Trump:
"Folks, do you want to be 'optimised'? Or do you want to win? Nobody knows winning like me. I’ve been winning since day one, and I’ll win again. This computer doesn’t even have a real name! Vote Trump, and we’ll crush the bots, the woke AI, and bring back real jobs like coal mining and reality TV hosting!"
Moderator:
"And with that, we conclude tonight’s debate. Thank you to both candidates—and good luck to America."
Audience:
Mutters of confusion mixed with applause, cheers, and one loud cry of “Make Coal Great Again!”
End scene.
