Scene: Trump is on stage at a packed rally. The backdrop reads: “Make God Trump Again!” There’s a golden halo CGI-ed onto his image on the giant screen. A crowd of supporters waves placards reading slogans like “In Trump We Trust” and “Genesis Was Just a Warm-Up!”
Trump struts to the podium, holding a golden microphone.
Trump: (gesturing grandly)
“Folks, I have some very special news for you today. You won’t believe it—it’s huge. Tremendous. People have been saying—lots of people—that I used to be, believe it or not… God. That’s right. I was the original. The Big Guy. The One Up There.” (he points vaguely skyward) “And, let me tell you, I did a fantastic job. Fantastic. Everyone says so.”
(The crowd cheers. Some chant, “Trump is holy!”)
Trump:
“Now, I don’t know exactly what happened—some fake news angel, probably Gabriel, he’s always been jealous of me, started spreading lies, saying, ‘Oh, Trump’s not God anymore.’ You believe that? Me? Not God? Ridiculous. Totally ridiculous.”
(He adjusts his tie, leaning into the mic with a conspiratorial tone.)
Trump:
“So now, folks, we’ve got a real problem. They put someone else in charge—someone weak. You know who it is? Some loser named Yahweh. Ever heard of him? Nobody’s heard of him! I mean, what kind of name is that, anyway? Sounds like a sneeze. Yah-way! Get outta here.”
(The crowd laughs and cheers as Trump nods smugly.)
Trump:
“Listen, folks, when I was God, everything was perfect. Perfect! I created the world in six days. Six! And I took the seventh day off. You know why? Because I’m efficient. Best work ethic ever. I didn’t need millions of years like those science guys talk about. Six days, boom—world done. And the world was great back then. Everyone was winning. Dinosaurs? They were winning. Then the new guy shows up, floods the place, screws everything up. Terrible. Just terrible.”
(He gestures dramatically, and the crowd boos the name “Yahweh” as if on cue.)
Trump: (raising his hands like a televangelist)
“So here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna Make God Trump Again! That’s right! We’re bringing me back to the top. I’ll be the best God you’ve ever seen. No more plagues, no more floods, no more burning bushes—you know, bushes are for losers. Under me, we’ll have golden golf courses in Heaven. Everyone gets a mansion. No exceptions. Even the angels will be wearing Trump suits. Very classy.”
(A supporter shouts: “What about Hell?” Trump smirks.)
Trump:
“Hell? Oh, don’t worry, folks. I’ll fix that too. We’re going to build a huge wall around Hell. A beautiful wall. And guess what? Satan’s gonna pay for it! You hear me? Satan’s paying for the wall!”
*(The crowd erupts in applause. The chant changes to: “Build that wall!”)
Trump: (leaning on the podium for effect)
“And let me tell you, folks, miracles? I’m the best at miracles. Water into wine? That’s rookie stuff. I’m talking… water into Diet Coke. And not just any Diet Coke—the best Diet Coke. Straight from Trump Springs, very exclusive.”
(He points at someone in the front row.)
Trump:
“You, sir! You want your sins forgiven? Done. Forgiven. Just like that. But only if you vote for me.”
(The crowd laughs as he flashes his signature thumbs-up.)
Trump: (his tone turning slightly menacing)
“But let me tell you something, folks. There are haters out there. Haters who don’t want me to be God again. They say, ‘Oh, Trump’s not divine.’ Can you believe that? They’re just jealous. They’re all jealous because they know I’d be the best God. Better than Zeus, better than Odin—those guys are amateurs. Zeus couldn’t even keep his pants on! Me? I’ve always been very classy. Never struck anyone with lightning unless they deserved it.”
(The crowd cheers wildly, waving their signs.)
Trump: (leaning in for his big finish)
“So let’s do this, folks. Let’s make it official. Let’s Make God Trump Again! You’ll see the miracles. You’ll see the winning. We’ll have so much winning in Heaven—you won’t believe it. And when we’re done, everyone’s gonna say, ‘Thank you, Trump. Thank you for being God again.’”
(The crowd explodes into cheers as a choir begins singing a gospel version of “Hail to the Chief,” complete with fireworks and a golden statue of Trump rising from the stage.)
End scene.
