Scene: A massive outdoor rally by a lake. Trump stands on a stage flanked by banners reading “FREEDOM FISH: MAKING WATERWAYS GREAT AGAIN!” Behind him is a tank of disturbingly large, mutated fish with glowing red eyes. The crowd is angry, many wearing waders and bandaged limbs. Some hold signs like “My Pond Was Peaceful!” and “Stop the Madness!”
Trump:
“Wow, what a turnout! So many of you here to celebrate our tremendous success with the Freedom Fish! Aren’t they incredible? Look at them—majestic, patriotic, very pro-America!”
(The fish slam against the glass of the tank, one gnashing its razor-sharp teeth. The crowd boos.)
Angry Fisherman:
“Incredible? They ate my dog!”
Trump:
(Waving dismissively)
“Well, I’ve heard that. I’ve heard stories, okay? But let’s be clear—these are the best fish, the strongest fish, doing the important job of keeping America safe. You don’t see any other fish doing that, do you?”
Crowd:
“NO, BUT EVERYTHING ELSE IS GONE!”
Trump:
(Pausing)
“Everything else is gone because the Freedom Fish are efficient. Very efficient. We told them, ‘Take care of things,’ and folks, they delivered. Bigly.”
(A rancher steps forward, holding up a shredded cowboy boot.)
Rancher:
“They also delivered on my cattle, Mr. President! I watched one of those... THINGS drag a heifer into the lake!”
Trump:
“Okay, look, we’ve had a few minor hiccups. But these fish are still better than anything else, folks. Much better. Imagine a fish that’s not only patriotic but also... adaptable. They’re survivors.”
(A mother steps up, holding a baby bottle filled with murky water.)
Mother:
“These things poisoned our drinking water! My kids glow in the dark now!”
(Trump squints at her child, whose head is faintly luminescent.)
Trump:
“Well, that’s... that’s innovation! Bioluminescent babies—why didn’t I think of that? You could save money on nightlights!”
(The crowd groans in exasperation. A scientist in a lab coat steps forward.)
Scientist:
“Mr. President, the Freedom Fish have destabilised the entire ecosystem. They’ve bred with local species, and now we’re dealing with super-mutant hybrids. We’re calling them ‘Terror Trout.’”
(Trump nods approvingly.)
Trump:
“Terror Trout. Love it. Sounds tough. Sounds like a winner.”
Scientist:
“They’ve taken over three states’ river systems and are now moving into the Mississippi. They’ve even been seen walking on land.”
(The crowd gasps. A video screen behind Trump lights up, showing grainy footage of a grotesque fish slithering up a driveway and biting a mailbox.)
Trump:
(Turning to the Dalek, who has appeared again for moral support)
“See? Isn’t this progress? Fish that can walk! America leads the world in amphibious innovation. No one else has this, folks. Not China, not Russia. Just us!”
Dalek:
(Grating voice)
“FREEDOM FISH ARE PERFECT BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS. THEY WILL DOMINATE ALL WATERS. VICTORY FOR THE UNITED STATES!”
(The crowd roars in protest. A farmer throws a tomato at Trump, missing and hitting the Dalek instead. The Dalek’s weapon glows ominously.)
Dalek:
“HOSTILITY DETECTED. EXTERMINATE!”
Trump:
(Waving his arms frantically)
“No, no, no! Don’t exterminate them—these are my people! They love me. Don’t you love me?”
(The crowd falls silent, their arms crossed. A man with a prosthetic leg fashioned out of driftwood steps forward.)
Man:
“We loved you, Mr. President, until Freedom Fish started chewing on our ankles and dragging our livestock into the rivers!”
Trump:
“Okay, okay. So maybe we need a Freedom Fish 2.0—less bitey, more friendly. We’ll get the best scientists. We’ll fix this, folks, I promise you. And you’ll love the results. Believe me.”
(The Dalek interjects, eyestalk swiveling.)
Dalek:
“FREEDOM FISH CANNOT BE CONTAINED. THEY WILL CONSUME ALL ORGANIC MATTER. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.”
(Trump pats the Dalek reassuringly.)
Trump:
“Well, that’s just... ambition! They’re overachievers. You’ve got to admire that.”
(The crowd begins to storm the stage, brandishing protest signs and buckets filled with dead fish. Trump panics.)
Trump:
“Okay, okay, folks! Let’s not overreact. We’ll... we’ll get the Space Force involved! They’ll zap the Freedom Fish from orbit. It’ll be tremendous. And Mexico will pay for the cleanup, I guarantee it!”
(As chaos erupts and the Dalek begins firing indiscriminately into the air, Trump is ushered offstage by Secret Service. The scene fades out as the crowd chants, “NO MORE FISH! NO MORE FISH!”)
