Scene: A rural town hall meeting, with worried farmers, ranchers, and citizens gathered in a large barn. Signs reading “STOP THE PIRANHAS!” and “SAVE OUR LIVESTOCK!” hang on the walls. Trump stands at the podium, flanked by a massive model of an armoured cow.
Voiceover (News Anchor):
"After President Trump’s bold initiative to fill the Rio Grande with piranhas as a ‘protective moat’ against illegal immigration, the nation now faces an unforeseen crisis. The piranhas, undeterred by borders, have spread into every major waterway, leaving a trail of ecological chaos. Rivers teeming with these ravenous fish have devastated livestock, fisheries, and swimming holes. Now, President Trump addresses the nation with a groundbreaking solution..."
(Cut to Trump, who steps up to the podium with a grin, soaking in the applause from his supporters.)
Trump:
“Thank you, thank you! Great to see so many incredible patriots here today. Folks, I have to tell you, the fake news media won’t admit it, but our piranha plan was a HUGE success. Tremendous. They said it couldn’t be done, but we did it!”
(The crowd cheers, though some look uneasy. A rancher mutters, “Success? My herd’s gone!” Trump presses on.)
Trump:
“Now, okay, okay, so some of you have been saying, ‘Mr. President, the piranhas are... how do I put this... a bit of a problem.’ And I hear you. I hear you, folks. But do you know what we do in America? We don’t give up. We innovate. And that’s why I’m proud to introduce—drumroll, please—the solution to all your worries!”
(He gestures dramatically as the curtains behind him part, revealing the oversized Piranha-Proof Cow™. The audience gasps. Some clap; others look deeply concerned.)
Trump:
“Behold! The Piranha-Proof Cow™! This beauty is going to save American ranching, folks. No more losing your herds to these sneaky, fishy freeloaders. This cow is a tank on four legs—completely impervious to piranha bites!”
(The crowd murmurs. A farmer yells out.)
Farmer:
“What about the fact the piranhas are now in EVERY river and are about to reach the Great Lakes?”
Trump:
(Waving it off)
“Look, these piranhas, they love water. They’re very ambitious fish, okay? I respect that. But let me tell you, our great American cows are going to be even tougher. This is a turning point, folks. A turning point!”
Concerned Parent:
“Mr. President, the piranhas are attacking our kids at swimming pools!”
Trump:
“Well, maybe the kids shouldn’t swim so much. Builds character to stay dry! And anyway, look at this cow—armoured! Spiked! Battle-ready! Perfect for dealing with these piranhas.”
(He turns to the cow model and pats it. A mechanical moo echoes awkwardly, followed by a metallic creak.)
Trump:
“Totally state-of-the-art. It’s not just a cow; it’s a hero. These spikes? Not just for decoration. They’ll scare the piranhas away, AND if we ever need to, say, weaponise the cows for national defence, we’re ready.”
(The crowd applauds hesitantly. A child raises their hand.)
Child:
“Mr. Trump, won’t the piranhas just evolve to eat through the armour?”
Trump:
(Pausing, then smirking)
“Smart kid! But let me tell you, we’re already ahead of them. If the piranhas evolve, we’ll evolve the cows. Bigger, stronger, faster. We’ll call them... Super Cows. That’s right, folks, Super Cows. Elon Musk is on board. He’s designing a SpaceX version. Cows that can swim, fly, you name it!”
(Suddenly, the prototype cow malfunctions. The water jets spray the crowd, spikes rotate wildly, and the armour collapses with a loud clang. Smoke rises. Trump doesn’t miss a beat.)
Trump:
“Prototype, folks, prototype! The real ones will be flawless—believe me. And guess what? These cows are 100% American-made. Are the piranhas American? No! They’re probably Mexican, honestly. But our cows? Patriotic. Loyal. And they’ll WIN!”
(The crowd claps nervously as Trump waves confidently, ignoring the smouldering wreckage of the prototype. Meanwhile, outside, a news helicopter films a school of piranhas swarming up the Mississippi River, dragging away a lawnmower for reasons unclear.)
(Fade to black, with the sound of Trump’s voice echoing: “We’re going to make grazing great again!”)
