Trump at a Rally:
“Alright, folks, I’ve got something big, something tremendous to say today. You’ve heard of the early detection of cancer, right? Well, let me tell you—we’re going to make the early detection of delusional behaviour great again! That’s right, folks. We’re going to spot delusion before it even starts. We’ll be able to identify it the moment it even thinks about existing. You won’t believe it!”
(The crowd is quiet, some looking around at each other, unsure if they should laugh or start cheering.)
“Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, ‘Trump, what are you talking about? Early detection of delusion? That sounds crazy!’ And I’m telling you, folks, that’s the point! It’s time we made delusion the mainstream. Because here’s the deal—if you can detect it early, you can stop it early. And that’s what we’re going to do. We’re going to detect delusion, and we’re going to stop it in its tracks, folks. Fast. You won’t even know what hit you!”
(A man in the front row raises his hand, “But how do we do that, Mr. President?” Trump points at him, a gleam in his eye.)
“Simple, folks! We’re going to start with the tests. We’ll have delusion detectors, you’ll wear them on your wrist—like a watch, folks. You’ll just tap it, and boom, bam—instant delusion check. You’ll know if you’re about to start believing that something’s too good to be true, or if you’ve suddenly decided the Earth is flat. It’s going to be great, okay? So simple. Everybody’s gonna wear them, even your dog. We’re going to detect delusion in everything—your pets, your neighbours, your friends. No one’s safe from the delusion detector!”
(The crowd is looking increasingly excited, imagining themselves with a gadget on their wrist that spots delusion, wondering if it’ll also tell them when they’ve had too much coffee.)
“And let me tell you, folks, these detectors, they’re going to be so accurate. They’re going to detect delusion faster than anyone has ever detected anything, okay? You’ll be sitting in a room, and suddenly someone will say, ‘I think I can fly,’ and boom—the detector will go off! You’ll know instantly, ‘Hey, this guy’s delusional! Call a professional!’”
(A woman in the back yells, “But what if I’m the one who’s delusional?!” Trump laughs and waves it off.)
“Don’t worry, folks, you won’t even have to worry about it. The detector will let you know, and it’ll tell you how to fix it. It’s going to be a self-correcting system. The best system. You think you’re Napoleon? Boom, the detector will buzz, and it’ll say, ‘No, buddy, you’re just a regular guy. Get a grip!’ And guess what? You’ll snap right back into reality. Fast. Like I said, folks, we’re talking instantaneous fixes.”
(A man from the back shouts, “So can it tell if I’m delusional about my hair?” Trump grins.)
“Of course! It’ll even tell you if your hair’s out of control, folks. Everything—from your hair to your financial projections. It’s going to be so great, you won’t even believe it. I don’t even believe it, but we’re going to make it happen. It’s going to be huge!”
(The crowd, now on board, begins chanting “Early detection! Early detection!” like they’re preparing for a new health craze. Some are already imagining wearing delusion detectors to dinner parties.)
“We’re going to give everyone a special certificate—a ‘Delusion-Free Certification.’ If you pass the test, you get it. You’ll wear it like a badge of honour. You’ll be the most sane person in the room, folks. You’ll walk in and everyone will go, ‘Wow, look at that! They’ve got the Delusion-Free badge!’ And they’ll know you’re the most stable person there. You’re the one who can see the truth. You’re the truth-teller.”
(The crowd starts chanting “Truth-teller! Truth-teller!” with wild excitement. A few start imagining how their social circles will change once they’re wearing the “Delusion-Free” badge like a gold medal.)
“And guess what else, folks? We’re going to have delusion rehab. That’s right. If you fail the test, no worries! We’re going to send you to delusion rehab—and it’s going to be a tremendous facility. State-of-the-art. You’ll be in a room with other people who think they’re superheroes, or they believe they can control the weather. It’s going to be the best rehabilitation centre ever. No one’s going to get stuck in delusion ever again!”
(The crowd claps enthusiastically, imagining themselves going to “delusion rehab” as a vacation.)
“So, let’s do it, folks. Let’s make the early detection of delusional behaviour great again. And trust me, we’re going to catch it early, fix it fast, and make sure you never fall into delusion again. It’s going to be so successful, people will say, ‘Wow, that Trump, he really knows how to keep us grounded.’”
(The rally erupts into wild applause, and a few people, now deeply invested in the concept, start wondering if their own family members need a delusion detector as a Christmas gift.)
“Let’s make early detection of delusional behaviour great again, folks! Believe me!”
