(The crowd stares blankly for a moment, wondering if "Enlightened Humanitarianism" is a new brand of socks or a global movement.)
“Now, I know what you’re all thinking. You’re thinking, ‘Trump, what do you mean by ‘Enlightened Humanitarianism?’ What does it even mean?’ And I’m gonna tell you. It means we’re going to care about people, folks. And I’m talking real caring. The best kind of caring. We’re going to make sure everyone has the opportunity to do whatever they want—anything they want—and be their best selves. It’s going to be so great, folks, so great, you won’t believe it.”
(A few people in the crowd nod slowly, unsure if they should be applauding yet.)
“Listen, folks, we’re going to build hospitals like you’ve never seen before. The best hospitals. Tremendous hospitals. Every single person will have access to the best health care, the most enlightened health care. We’ll give everyone the best medical treatments, and no one will have to wait—no lines, folks, no lines! It’s gonna be so fast. They’ll say, ‘Wow, Trump made health care so fast, it’s like a miracle!’”
(A nurse in the back mutters, “How fast can health care really be?” but no one notices.)
“We’re also going to have free education, folks. Free for everyone! The best education—I’m talking top-tier stuff here. No more of this nonsense, okay? No more bad schools, no more terrible curriculums. We’re going to teach people about what really matters. Humanitarianism, folks, we’re going to teach the humanitarian way. Everybody’s going to learn how to help, how to care, how to build a better world. I’m talking world-changing knowledge!”
(A man stands up with a "MAGA" hat and yells, "So, like, how do we do this?")
“Exactly! You’re getting it, buddy! And let me tell you, the best part? We’re going to give everyone who signs up for this movement a special badge. It’s a great badge, folks. It says, ‘I am an enlightened humanitarian!’ It’s going to be on your chest. Right there. And when people see it, they’re going to say, ‘Wow, that person is so enlightened! I wish I were as good as them!’”
(The crowd, still unsure, starts to applaud because there’s an actual badge involved. Someone in the back yells, "I want one!")
“And guess what? We’re going to do this all while being super sustainable. I’m talking eco-friendly, folks. No more waste. No more pollution. We’re going to clean up the oceans, save the whales, save the trees, save the air. And we’re going to do it fast. So fast. We’ll be planting trees before the trees even know they’re being planted. It’s going to be tremendous.”
(A person wearing a hemp shirt raises their hand. Trump points at them.)
“You’re right, buddy! Hemp! It’s going to be big. We’re going to make everything from hemp, folks. The shirts, the hats, the houses, the cars. We’re talking hemp-powered everything. The future’s going to be so green, it’s going to make Kermit jealous.”
(Some members of the crowd are now nodding as they mentally plan their first hemp-powered electric car purchase.)
“But you know what, folks? The biggest part of this? We’re going to bring peace to the world. World peace. It’s going to be incredible. No more wars, no more fighting. We’ll have global agreements—signed by everyone. And I’m not talking about these weak little deals, okay? We’re talking big deals. The best deals. Deals that make people say, ‘Wow, this is so peaceful, it’s almost boring. The most boring peace ever. That’s how peaceful it’s going to be!’”
(The crowd, now full of hopeful optimism, begins chanting “MEHGA! MEHGA!” while also mentally making plans to enroll in peace classes, tree-planting seminars, and possibly start a hemp farm.)
“So let’s do it, folks. Let’s make Enlightened Humanitarianism great again! And let me tell you, we’re going to be so nice, you won’t believe how nice we’ll be! We’re going to care about people, help people, give people everything they’ve ever wanted! And I’ll be the one to do it. Believe me.”
(The rally ends with everyone holding their “MEHGA” badges proudly and preparing for the first ever “Humanitarian Gala,” complete with a zero-waste buffet and a “save the planet” dance-off.)
