Scene: Day 17 on Mars. The colonists are inside the half-built IKEA habitat.
The walls are lopsided, the airlocks are stuck in “display mode,” and the supply inventory includes 27 Allen keys, a lone SKÅLBJORN space toilet, and a Fröndenborg dining table—but no instructions.
Elon Musk strides into the chaos, wearing his custom-designed Martian jumpsuit, complete with a SpaceX logo and a cape.
Elon: "Alright, people, let’s focus! Remember, this isn’t just about surviving—it’s about inspiring humanity! And inspiring humanity means getting that Mars flag in front of a perfectly assembled Björnglädj bookcase!”
A voice from the back: “We still don’t have breathable air!”
Elon, waving dismissively: “Details, Schmidt. You can’t put breathable air on Instagram.”
Cut to: A group of frustrated colonists crouched over a half-assembled oxygen generator.
Colonist 1: “It says we need Part E-12 to finish this. But the manual jumps from step 14 to step 87 and skips it entirely!”
Colonist 2: “I found Part E-12, but it’s… round?”
Colonist 3 (reading from the manual): “Step 15: Attach Grüblun screws using the Umgäng tool.”
Colonist 1: “What’s an Umgäng tool?”
Colonist 2, holding up an Allen key the size of a harpoon: “This, apparently.”
Colonist 3, grimly: “We’re all gonna die, aren’t we?”
Meanwhile, Elon has gathered a team to assemble the main habitat dome. He holds up an IKEA instruction booklet the size of a pizza box.
Elon: “It’s just a matter of mindset. If you think like an innovator, IKEA instructions become... clear.”
Colonist 4: “This booklet is in Swedish!”
Elon: “Exactly. Swedish is the language of efficiency.”
Colonist 5, pointing at the page: “It’s also just pictures of a smiling blob man struggling to lift a beam!”
Elon, unfazed: “Picture-based innovation. This is why IKEA is timeless. I want results, people!”
Hours later, Elon returns to inspect the dome. The results are… questionable.
The dome leans precariously to the left. The "air-tight doors" are propped open with Allen keys. Instead of protective shielding, one side is covered with Malm bed slats, while another wall features a suspiciously cheerful LATTJO puppet theatre.
Elon, examining the structure: “What’s this section?”
Colonist 6: “That’s supposed to be the solar panel array, but all we had were those puppets and some meatballs.”
Elon, frowning: “And you didn’t think to disrupt the meatball-to-solar-panel pipeline?”
Colonist 6: “What does that even mean?!”
Cut to: The supply pod labelled ‘ESSENTIALS’ being opened.
The colonists gather eagerly, expecting extra oxygen, water, or tools. Instead, the pod contains:
- 300 jars of lingonberry jam
- A single HYLLIS shelf unit
- Instructions for assembling a “LÖRKLIG Martian garden,” complete with an unlabelled bag of seeds.
Colonist 7: “Seeds? What do they expect us to do with seeds? There’s no water!”
Elon, grinning: “Think of them as pre-plants. You just need to innovate moisture out of thin air.”
Colonist 7: “That’s not a thing!”
Elon: “Neither was reusable rockets. Yet, here we are.”
Colonist 8, staring at the lingonberry jam: “We’re going to have to eat this for months, aren’t we?”
Elon: “It’s a Nordic superfood. I see no problem.”
Final shot: A Martian dust storm approaches.
The camera pans over the colonists frantically trying to fortify their lopsided habitat with a mixture of FLÄRDFULL curtains and BOLMEN toilet brushes.
Inside, Elon delivers a rousing speech:
Elon: “This is just the beginning! Humanity thrives in adversity. Someday, they’ll write songs about this base!”
Colonist 9, muttering: “Yeah. Funeral dirges.”
The storm hits. The habitat collapses like a badly built LACK table. Everyone huddles under the one sturdy piece of equipment: the oversized Allen key.
