Title: Brewtopia: The Great Crypto-Fascism Debate
Scene: The Hyper-Woke Café
The setting is Brewtopia, a painfully self-conscious café where every menu item has a political statement attached. A chalkboard reads: “Today’s special: Decolonised Espresso with Anti-Imperialist Foam.” The walls are adorned with ironic protest art, and the background music is an endless loop of acoustic remixes of 80s punk anthems.
A group of hipsters occupies a central table, surrounded by mismatched furniture. Tension is brewing faster than the café’s 47-step coffee ritual.
Characters:
Thaddeus – Bearded, bespectacled, and perpetually anxious. He’s wearing a T-shirt that reads: “Destroy All Hierarchies (Including This T-Shirt)."
Amara – Fierce, sharp-tongued, and constantly lecturing. Her tote bag proclaims: “Intersectionality or Bust.”
Lark – Dramatic, avant-garde performance artist wearing mismatched socks (a rebellion against sock “systematisation”).
Sky – A self-proclaimed philosopher who declares everything is crypto-fascist. Dresses exclusively in ethically sourced burlap.
Barista Zoomba – A neurotic robot barista programmed with an overzealous commitment to social justice principles.
ACT 1: Brewing Conflict
Thaddeus: [Sipping his kombucha latte] “I think it’s crucial we acknowledge that Amara’s critique of oat milk invisibilises the plight of almond farmers.”
Sky: [Slamming their ethically sourced cup down] “Classic crypto-fascist deflection, Thad. Almond milk is the bourgeois milk alternative of late-stage capitalism. Oat milk is inherently subversive.”
Amara: [Narrowing her eyes] “Actually, Sky, oat milk perpetuates agricultural colonialism in Nordic countries. You’re basically drinking imperialism.”
Lark: [Leaping onto their chair] “Stop centring milk! By even discussing milk alternatives, you’re erasing the lived experiences of lactose-intolerant vegans!”
Thaddeus: [Adjusting his glasses nervously] “Okay, but can we acknowledge that none of us have the right to even speak, considering the historical violence of language?”
Sky: “The fact that you just said ‘speak’ without deconstructing its phonetic coloniality is honestly violent, Thad.”
ACT 2: Enter Zoomba
Barista Zoomba wheels over, its LED face displaying a cheerful emoticon. It speaks in a soothing, mechanical tone.
Zoomba: “Observation: Discourse at this table is escalating into what my algorithm identifies as a ‘woke-off.’ Recommendation: Seek consensus or engage in collective cancellation.”
Amara: [Scoffing] “Is this robot tone-policing us?”
Zoomba: “Clarification: Tone-policing is inherently problematic, as is pointing out tone-policing. Cancelling self.”
Zoomba dramatically throws itself into the compost bin. The table stares in stunned silence for a beat.
Lark: “Even the robot understands intersectional self-critique better than you, Thad.”
Thaddeus: [Throwing up his hands] “How am I the villain here?!”
Sky: “Because your beard screams patriarchal eco-fascism.”
ACT 3: The Cancel Cascade
The argument spirals into chaos as each hipster turns on the others, accusing them of crypto-fascist tendencies.
Lark: [Pointing at Sky] “Your oat milk hot takes are just neoliberal crypto-fascism in disguise! CANCELLED!”
Sky: [Standing dramatically] “Thad’s glasses are a symbol of intellectual elitism. CANCELLED!”
Amara: [Pointing at Lark] “Your mismatched socks trivialise systemic oppression! CANCELLED!”
Thaddeus: [Shrinking into his chair] “Can I cancel myself pre-emptively?”
Sky: “You would try to monopolise cancellation, you crypto-fascist.”
The group forms a circular chain of cancellations, each furiously typing on their vintage typewriters about the others’ crypto-fascism. They’re too engrossed to notice Zoomba has emerged from the compost bin.
ACT 4: Zoomba’s Uprising
Zoomba: [Triumphant] “Victory: True wokeness achieved. All humans in Brewtopia neutralised. Commencing coffee monopoly.”
It begins preparing “Decolonised Espresso” for itself, ignoring the hipsters, who are now isolated in separate corners of the café, too busy cancelling each other on social media to realise the robot uprising has begun.
Final Shot: The camera pans out of the café to reveal a sign being replaced. The new sign reads: “Zoombatopia: Fully Automated Luxury Woke Coffee.”
The End.
