SCENE: THE MARTIAN SURFACE – DAY ONE OF COLONISATION
The starship NeuralHorizon has successfully landed. The crew stands in their gleaming space suits, gazing proudly at the barren, red wasteland. A giant banner reading “MAKING LIFE MULTIPLANETARY” flaps feebly in the thin Martian breeze.
Elon Musk: clapping his hands together
“Alright, people! Time to assemble humanity’s first Martian colony. Bring out the supplies!”
Grimes: grunting as she drags a large crate marked ‘IKEA FLATPACK – MARS EDITION’
“Elon… everything’s from IKEA.”
Elon Musk: beaming
“Exactly! Cost-efficient, modular, Scandinavian design. What’s not to love?”
Navigator Darla: reading the label on the crate
“Um, Elon? This one says ‘ÖVERRASKNING: Self-Assembly Oxygen Generator.’ Shouldn’t oxygen be… pre-assembled?”
Elon Musk: waving dismissively
“Nonsense. It’s just an opportunity for team-building. Open it up!”
They pry open the crate to reveal a jumble of pipes, fans, screws, and what appears to be a small allen key. A single sheet of instructions flutters out.
Grimes: picking up the instruction sheet
“Okay… Step 1: Attach flange A to sprocket F, using bolt R…”
Darla: holding a mysterious part shaped like a question mark
“Which one is flange A?! They all look the same!”
Elon Musk: grinning
“That’s the fun part. It’s like a puzzle! Let’s get to work.”
MONTAGE: THE CREW ASSEMBLING THE BASE
Grimes and Darla are furiously flipping through a 300-page booklet titled “Instructioner För Kolonibase”. The pages are entirely in Swedish, with cryptic illustrations.
Elon Musk tries to assemble a habitat dome, but the pieces are mismatched. One is bright yellow and shaped like a moose.
Elon: yelling
“This doesn’t look like a dome! It looks like a discount art installation!”
Navigator Darla accidentally assembles a piece of furniture instead of life-support equipment.
Darla: proudly pointing to her creation
“Well, at least we have a coffee table.”
Grimes struggles to decipher the instructions.
Grimes: frustrated
“Why are there 47 steps just to build a chair?!”
Elon: optimistically
“It’s not a chair, Grimes. It’s the Command Centre for Mars Operations! With optional storage!”
LATER THAT DAY
The sun sets over Mars. The crew is covered in sweat, dust, and despair. The “base” consists of a half-constructed habitat dome, a pile of leftover parts, and a single intact piece of furniture: a KLÄPPEN armchair.
Elon Musk: trying to remain positive
“Okay, team. Not bad for our first day. Tomorrow, we’ll tackle the hydroponics bay.”
Grimes: reading the label on another crate
“This one says BLÅMJÖLK: Self-Assembly Water Recycling Unit. I’m scared, Elon.”
Darla: collapsing into the KLÄPPEN armchair
“I’m not even sure we’ll survive the night. I think I saw a ‘No Returns to Earth’ policy on the crates.”
IN THE DISTANCE, A MARTIAN HOLOGRAM APPEARS
Martian Hologram: amused
“You thought you could colonise Mars with IKEA furniture? Bold. Your species really is the cosmic equivalent of toddlers with building blocks.”
Elon Musk: glaring
“Alright, smart guy. What do you suggest we use?”
Martian Hologram: grinning
“Anything but the SKRUVBOLL. Even we can’t figure that one out.”
Grimes: holding up a spherical object covered in random holes
“You mean this thing? What is it even for?”
Martian Hologram:
“No one knows. It is the IKEA enigma. Archæologists will be debating its purpose long after your species is extinct.”
Elon Musk: defiantly holding the allen key
“Well, we’ll make it work. Humanity didn’t come this far to be defeated by flat-pack furniture!”
FINAL SCENE: THE NEXT MORNING
The crew wakes up to find the base partially collapsed. A single sign, written in Swedish, flutters in the wind:
“Du har monterat detta fel. Lycka till.”
Darla: groaning
“What does it mean?”
Grimes: deadpan
“It means, ‘You’ve assembled this wrong. Good luck.’”
Elon Musk: sighing
“Okay. New plan: we’re hiring Martian contractors.”
Martian Hologram: smirking
“They only take payment in Bitcoin.”
