The scene opens on Frank Costanza, already fuming in the middle of an arid desert. He’s clutching a treasure map that appears to have been drawn by a toddler.
Frank: “Why am I in the middle of the godforsaken Sahara looking for a cheese grater? I could’ve stayed home and grated like a normal person!”
Flat-Earther: “It’s not the Sahara; it’s clearly the Antarctic Plateau. Look at this map—it proves it!”
Frank: “That’s a napkin from a diner!”
Trump the Orangutan: “Fake news. This is the best map. I made it. Everyone says so.”
Meanwhile, Zoot skips ahead, leaving a trail of giggles and strategically dropped lace handkerchiefs.
Zoot: “This is so thrilling! Do you think the cheese grater sparkles in the moonlight? Or glows with the heat of passion?”
Flower Power Dalek, humming a mellow tune, glides in a slow circle.
Flower Power Dalek: “My friends, let us ask the universe to guide us to the grater. Perhaps we don’t need it. Perhaps the grater… is within us.”
Frank: “If I hear one more hippie proverb, I’m shoving you into a fondue pot!”
Cue their first “obstacle”: a tribe of monks guarding a colossal wheel of cheese. The monks refuse to let the group pass unless they solve the sacred riddle: “What is the sound of cheese grating itself?”
Trump the Orangutan: “I know the answer. It’s me. I’m the answer. I grate cheese better than anyone, believe me.”
Flat-Earther: “The sound is silence—because cheese doesn’t exist. It’s all a government conspiracy.”
Frank (snapping): “You maniacs! It’s obviously ‘shhk-shhk-shhk!’ Don’t any of you eat lasagna?”
The monks stare at the motley crew, stone-faced, as if weighing the sincerity of their answers.
Monk Leader: “None of your answers satisfy the Cheese of Enlightenment.”
Frank: “The what of enlightenment?! It’s a block of dairy, not the Mona Lisa! I’m this close to taking a grater to all of you!”
Zoot (sidling up to the monks with a wink): “Perhaps you’d reconsider if we… shared an intimate cheese fondue moment?”
The monks, clearly flustered, huddle together to discuss this “unorthodox” offer. In the chaos, Trump the Orangutan seizes his chance, dramatically flipping the massive cheese wheel over.
Trump: “Look! There’s nothing under this cheese, which means I’m right! This cheese is a fraud!”
Flat-Earther (nodding solemnly): “Typical. They put cheese here to distract us from the edge of the Earth.”
Flower Power Dalek: “Peace, my friends. Perhaps the cheese wheel only blocks our view of the true path. Let us meditate on this wisdom… or share snacks.”
Frank, finally losing it, yanks the treasure map/napkin out of the Flat-Earther’s hands and storms off.
Frank: “You’re all insane! I’ll find the cheese grater myself if I have to dig through every charcuterie board in the world!”
Hours later, the group stumbles upon a rickety suspension bridge over an endless abyss. On the other side, the fabled Holy Cheese Grater of Antioch glows on a pedestal, radiating lactose-laden glory.
Zoot: “Oh! Look at it! It’s… beautiful. It’s everything I imagined!”
Frank: “It’s a cheese grater! I have three of them at home!”
But as they prepare to cross, a booming voice echoes:
Guardian of the Grater: “To claim the Holy Cheese Grater, you must answer one final question: What is the most versatile cheese?”
The group explodes into chaos.
Frank: “It’s mozzarella! No one can argue with mozzarella!”
Trump: “Wrong! The most versatile cheese is American cheese, because I said so!”
Flat-Earther: “You’re all fools. Cheese doesn’t even exist; it’s just curdled propaganda.”
Flower Power Dalek: “All cheeses are versatile in their own way. Can’t we just be the cheese we wish to see in the world?”
Zoot (swooning): “I think it’s whichever cheese melts most… seductively.”
The Guardian sighs.
Guardian: “Fine. Just take the grater. I can’t do this anymore.”
As they triumphantly claim their prize, the ground begins to rumble. The bridge collapses behind them, leaving the group stranded on a tiny platform with the grater… and the horrifying realisation that it only works on zucchini.
Frank: “Zucchini?! We risked our lives for zucchini?! This is worse than the Festivus dinner!”
