The Kafkaesque Theme Park:
The Costanzas enter the park, and immediately the atmosphere is oppressive. A gloomy grey sky hangs overhead, and the entrance is guarded by an ominous-looking kiosk that demands to see “Proof of Admission.” The attendant, a solemn figure with thick glasses, hands George a form to fill out—though George is convinced it’s just for “registering his complaint” about the “lack of clarity in the ticketing process.”
Attraction #1: The Compliance Loop
As the Costanzas enter, George spots a rollercoaster in the distance, and immediately his eyes light up with hope.
George: “A rollercoaster! This is it! This is my moment!”
But no. Before even boarding, a bureaucratic nightmare unfolds.
The first stop is the Compliance Loop, a massive, looping structure of red tape and forms. Attendants in grey uniforms are everywhere, handing out endless documents to fill out. Before George can even board the ride, he’s asked to complete forms for "personal consent," “emotional readiness,” and “affiliation with the Department of Experience Safety."
Frank, already fuming, is approached by an attendant demanding a certificate of prior amusement experience.
Frank: "What do you mean ‘experience’? I’ve been on a thousand rides, you moron!"
Attendant: “That’s not on file. Please provide an official record.”
Frank: “What do I look like? A rollercoaster historian?”
Meanwhile, Estelle is already sitting in the queue, trying to escape the madness. She holds a handful of forms she was “accidentally” handed and keeps muttering, “I just wanted a nice day out…”
Attraction #2: The Department of Misplaced Priorities
Next, they find themselves at a maze that seems to go nowhere—just endless hallways filled with file cabinets, blinking lights, and overly enthusiastic attendants offering to “help” them navigate, only to give conflicting directions.
Attendant #1: “Take the third left.” Attendant #2 (from the other side of the room): “You need to take the second right, then fill out a travel assessment form.”
George: “That’s not what he said! No! I was here first!”
Frank, at this point, is losing it completely. He grabs a form from a passing attendant, tries to fill it out quickly, and storms ahead in search of an exit. But the form asks for “personal identification from a past life.”
Attraction #3: The Auditor’s Revenge
They enter the haunted house, and immediately, Zoot appears at the entrance. She’s wearing an ill-fitting black gown, her eyes wide with enthusiasm.
Zoot: “Welcome, welcome! You’ve entered the Auditor’s Revenge, where your financial sins will come to haunt you!”
She hands each of them a “Certificate of Haunting” and tells them they must answer a series of questions posed by ghostly figures in business suits.
Zoot (pointing to a ghost): “This is Steve. Steve wants to know where you’ve stored the receipts for your last three supermarket visits.”
The ghost glides up to Frank, his paper-thin face peering at him suspiciously.
Ghost: “You didn’t claim your full tax deductions last year. Care to explain?”
Frank’s face turns bright red.
Frank: “I didn’t ask for this! You think I remember every single receipt?!”
Meanwhile, George is desperately looking for a loophole to avoid answering the ghostly inquiries, convinced that if he just talks in circles, he can wriggle out of this.
George: “I’m just saying—if the receipt wasn’t for the item, then it’s a null and void transaction!”
Zoot gives him a blank stare.
Zoot: “That’s cute, George. Now, the next ghost wants to know if you’ve filed your quarterly paperwork... it’s a really spooky process.”
Estelle, meanwhile, just wants to find a chair to sit on, but every time she turns around, there’s another ghost with a new, baffling question.
End Scene:
The Costanzas are utterly lost. They’ve been forced to fill out forms, answer questions about things they didn’t even know existed, and endure the endless chaos of the Kafkaesque bureaucracy. The haunted house becomes less about scares and more about desperate exhaustion.
Zoot, still handing out Certificates of Haunting with a wide grin, approaches Frank and George.
Zoot: “You’ve all completed the haunted house experience! How do you feel?”
Frank, face contorted with rage: “Feel? I feel like I need a lawyer, a drink, and maybe a medical professional!”
Estelle: “I’m just looking for the exit. Is that too much to ask?”
Zoot, hands on her hips: “Ah, the exit is just around the corner, right after you fill out the satisfaction survey.”
