Scene: The ‘Authenticity Awards’ Gala – The Ultimate Display of Performative Virtue
The glittering lights of a lavish hall are blinding. A massive red carpet rolls out like a highway of self-congratulation. It’s the Authenticity Awards—a night where celebrities, influencers, and even regular folk come together to celebrate… their own moral superiority.
Narrator (voiceover, dryly):
In an era where genuine action is often overshadowed by curated facades, the Authenticity Awards provide the ultimate platform for individuals to perform their most genuine selves for maximum social capital.
Cut to the stage:
The emcee, a well-known influencer named Vera Vox, walks up to the mic. She’s wearing an outfit that screams "sustainable fashion," despite being held together by 50 different brand logos and an air of intense privilege.
Vera Vox (dramatically):
Ladies and gentlemen, tonight, we come together to honour those who’ve truly shown us what it means to be authentic in the 21st century. We celebrate their profound commitment to unwavering transparency—even if it involves endless self-promotion.
Cut to the audience:
A micro-influencer is sipping water and posting a live story: “Just here at the Authenticity Awards, feeling soooo grateful to be living my truth 💖✨ #Blessed #SelfCare #VirtueIsMyBrand.” He doesn’t drink water, though; it’s just for show. He’s already planning the next staged “humble” moment.
Narrator (voiceover):
Nothing says ‘authentic’ quite like broadcasting every move to your millions of followers. Just ask Trevor Thomasson, whose entire personal brand revolves around "raw vulnerability"—carefully curated, of course.
Cut to Trevor, backstage:
Trevor practices his “genuine” apology speech in front of a mirror, re-recording it multiple times until it’s “just right.”
Trevor (muttering to himself):
I wasn’t being myself earlier when I posted that photo of me at the rally. It wasn’t authentic. I wasn’t in my true zone of vulnerability. Okay. Now... for the tears. ACTION!
He starts to fake-cry, then stops, realising he’s not doing it well enough.
Trevor (checking his phone):
Okay, good! The engagement’s up. 10 more tears, and then I’ll pivot to a brand partnership with ‘EcoCups.’ They love my ‘authenticity.’"
Scene: Trump the Orangutan – The Ultimate Super Influencer
Enter Trump the Orangutan, who waddles up to the stage with an entourage of camera people. His face is painted with an exaggerated expression of “genuine outrage,” and he’s wearing a suit that looks like it’s about to explode from the sheer ridiculousness of it all.
Trump the Orangutan (grabbing the mic, roaring into it):
I’ve been a victim of the system. The bananas are being stolen from us! Just like my election! I am the most authentic orangutan you’ve ever seen! No one’s more real than me! They say I’m a joke—well, guess what? I’m realer than any of you!
Audience (cheering):
Yes! Yes! Realness!!
Narrator (voiceover):
Nothing says ‘authenticity’ quite like the performative outrage of an orangutan with a history of bombastic tirades. Whether it’s criticising the establishment or launching a line of Banana-Gate merchandise, Trump the Orangutan knows how to seize the moment. And seize it, he does—mostly for social clout, of course.
Scene: The Apology Circuit
Cut to Marcy, a once-popular beauty influencer whose most recent “I’ve learned and grown” apology video is now trending.
Marcy (on her livestream, reading off a prompter):
I want to say from the bottom of my heart—what I posted last week, about veganism, was just not aligned with my values. I’ve learned that eating a plant-based diet isn’t just a personal choice—it’s everyone’s responsibility! I apologise to my followers, my team, and of course, my sponsors... who really keep me grounded.
Narrator (voiceover):
The authenticity of the apology is clear—except that her latest sponsorship deal is with an energy drink brand known for its environmental impact. She’s now rebranding her ‘authenticity’ to include an eco-conscious energy drink to counterbalance her previous, poorly received post about ‘fast fashion.’
Marcy (nervously, offscreen):
Don’t forget to follow me for more tips on being ‘authentically eco-conscious’ while you crush that morning workout. Hashtag glowup.
Narrator (voiceover, as the camera zooms out):
And so, the great cycle of performative ‘authenticity’ continues—spiralling deeper into its own reflection, a circus of self-congratulation and moral branding, where everyone is truly being themselves… if by “being themselves,” you mean doing whatever it takes to stay relevant, and make a buck while they’re at it.
