Scene: The Hipster Café of Unbearable Smugness
(A dimly lit café with exposed brick walls, recycled wood tables, and a chalkboard menu filled with unreadable cursive. A barista with a top knot and a monocle nods knowingly at customers while grinding coffee beans with a hand-cranked grinder the size of a small planet. The air is thick with the scent of overpriced espresso and misplaced self-importance.)
Donald the Orangutan (hunched at the counter, fur matted with existential regret, peering up at the menu)
"One… banana."
Barista (adjusting his ethically sourced linen apron, smirking)
"Oh, we don’t, like, do bananas. But we have a selection of plantain experiences."
Donald (staring)
"... A what?"
Barista (pointing at the chalkboard)
"You can choose from:
- Deconstructed Banana Essence on a Slate Tile (£9.50)
- Hand-Peeled, Spiritually Cleansed Plantain Medallions (£12.00)
- Cold-Pressed, Non-Binary Banana Reduction in a Rustic Jar (£18.99, includes free smugness)"
Donald (scratching his head)
"… Just give me a banana."
Barista (laughing softly, shaking head)
"Oh no, we don’t stock actual bananas. Too mainstream. But I can offer you a banana-adjacent experience, if you’re open to it?"
Donald (teeth gritted)
"What does that mean?"
Barista (proudly)
"It’s a concept we developed through extensive fruit mindfulness. A single banana peel is placed on a reclaimed wood board, accompanied by a side of organic air and the idea of banana."
Donald (staring in mute horror)
"... And I can eat this?"
Barista (smiling dreamily)
"Oh no, no. It’s an experience, my dude. You just kind of absorb the banana through your energy field. Really helps you reconnect with your inner primate."
Donald (shoving his head into his massive hands, groaning)
"I’m going to die here, aren’t I?"
Barista (placing a tiny, unnecessary flower in a tiny, unnecessary vase)
"Would you like oat milk in your despair?"