SCHRÖDINGER’S DALEK
SCENE: The Supreme Dalek’s war room. A Dalek scientist (yes, they have those now) unveils its latest invention: the QUANTUM EXTERMINATOR.
SUPREME DALEK: REPORT!
SCIENTIST DALEK: WE. HAVE. PERFECTED. A. WEAPON. BASED. ON. QUANTUM. MECHANICS!
SUPREME DALEK: EXPLAIN!
SCIENTIST DALEK: WHEN. THE. QUANTUM. EXTERMINATOR. IS. FIRED. THE. TARGET. ENTERS. A. STATE. OF. SUPERPOSITION! THEY. ARE. BOTH. EXTERMINATED. AND. NOT. EXTERMINATED. UNTIL. SOMEONE. CHECKS!
SUPREME DALEK: EX-CELLENT! DEPLOY. IT. AT. ONCE!
SCENE: A battleground. Daleks fire their new weapon at a group of terrified humans.
HUMAN #1: AAAAAAARGH! AM I DEAD?!
HUMAN #2: I… I THINK WE MIGHT BE?
HUMAN #3: BUT I CAN STILL SEE YOU!
HUMAN #4: NOBODY LOOK! IF WE DON’T LOOK, WE MIGHT STILL BE ALIVE!
DALEK COMMANDER: HUMANS. ARE. EXTERMINATED. BUT. ALSO. NOT. EXTERMINATED!
DALEK #2: WHO. WILL. VERIFY. THE. RESULT?
DALEK #3: NOT. IT.
DALEK COMMANDER: (turns to the Supreme Dalek) SUPREME. DALEK. WE. REQUIRE. CLARIFICATION!
SUPREME DALEK: QUANTUM. EXTERMINATION. IS. INCONCLUSIVE! ERROR! ERROR!
(Every Dalek starts spinning wildly, unable to process the logical contradiction.)
HUMAN #1: Wait… if the Daleks don't check, then technically, they can’t be sure we’re exterminated!
HUMAN #2: Which means… we can just walk away?
(The humans quietly tiptoe out of the battlefield while the Daleks continue spiralling into existential crisis.)
DALEK SCIENTIST: I. HAVE. DESTROYED. THE. CONCEPT. OF. VICTORY!
SUPREME DALEK: YOU. WILL. BE—WAIT. AM. I. ORDERING. EXTERMINATION. OR. NOT? ERROR!
(One Dalek, still spinning, suddenly vanishes in a puff of probability.)
DALEK #4: OH. NO. IT. HAS. TUNNELLED. INTO. AN. ALTERNATE. REALITY!
SCENE: Elsewhere, a confused Dalek materialises in a quiet pet shop. Behind the counter, a familiar Shopkeeper from Monty Python's Dead Parrot Sketch looks up.
DALEK: QUERY. DOES. THIS. SHOP. SELL. DEAD. OR. ALIVE. PARROTS?
SHOPKEEPER: It’s all a matter of perspective, mate.
DALEK: (twitching) ERROR. ERROR.
THE END… OR NOT.