Scene: The Woke Hipster Student House Meeting
The house is a cozy mix of mismatched furniture, art prints with profound statements, and a few too many potted plants. A group of students in varying degrees of "indie chic" attire are seated around a low coffee table, discussing the latest in social justice, sustainability, and alternative lifestyles. There's an earnest tone to the conversation, as everyone tries to make their voices heard in a friendly, inclusive manner. The doorbell rings, and in walks Mrs. Warboys, wearing an overenthusiastic smile and a jacket covered in tiny floral patterns.
Mrs. Warboys: [breezing in, excitedly] "Oh, what a lovely bunch of young people! You all look so, so… unique… in your own ways, don’t you? It’s wonderful! Reminds me of my time at that rally for ‘Equal rights for everyone, except for people who don’t like cats,’ or was it the one for, ‘Save the flowers from the mean bees’? Something like that."
Hipster #1 [nervously adjusting their beanie]: "Uh, I think you might be getting a little mixed up, Mrs. Warboys. We're here to talk about... well, social justice, and making the world a better place for everyone. Especially those who have been oppressed. You know, marginalised groups."
Mrs. Warboys: [clapping her hands together, absolutely delighted] "Oh, yes! Marginalised! You’re all so ahead of your time. My neighbour, Linda, bless her heart, always says people should just be ‘marginalised more’ so they can get on with their lives. I don’t think she means it quite like you do, but I agree with her in some way. You know, ‘Give them space,’ she says!"
Hipster #2: [gritting their teeth, trying to smile] "Uh, well, it's more about empowerment, not just giving people space…"
Mrs. Warboys: "Oh, empowerment! Yes, yes. That’s what I was talking about when I said Linda could empower herself by taking up less space at the bingo hall. That woman’s got some massive elbows, I tell you! But I’m sure that’s not what you meant by empowerment, is it? You’re empowering the people who are really oppressed—like, you know, the vegan baristas at the organic café who only use locally sourced oat milk. It's all very noble!"
Hipster #3 [clearly on edge, nodding awkwardly]: "Well, yes, we’re working to create more inclusive spaces… like this one, where everyone can express themselves freely, no matter their background or beliefs."
Mrs. Warboys: "Oh, that’s lovely! Absolutely lovely! My friend Jean is constantly expressing herself, especially at her Zumba class, though I don’t think she’s ever done a proper movement in her life! But speaking of inclusivity, you know, I think it’s just wonderful that you’re all here, talking about justice. But what about the real justice? You know, making sure that everyone who’s not at this meeting gets the opportunity to come and sit down on these mismatched chairs? I’ll tell you, they’re so comfortable. The cushions have a certain, shall we say, zen quality about them."
Hipster #4 [getting visibly frustrated]: "Uh, well, the chairs are all about embracing the imperfections, and, you know, promoting sustainability. We’re all about reducing our carbon footprint, and—"
Mrs. Warboys: [cutting in, with a cheery laugh] "Sustainability! Oh, that’s right. We must make sure everything is sustainable, including all the mismatched cups and plates, and of course, your unwashed socks. I do admire your dedication to not washing them for weeks just to keep things… how do I put it?… authentically… grunge?"
The room falls silent, everyone now looking very uncomfortable.
Hipster #2: [grimacing, trying to stay calm] "Uh, no, we actually just... try to make things more sustainable. You know, reusing, recycling, not contributing to the consumerist system…"
Mrs. Warboys: "Oh, dear, yes! So you don’t buy anything new, do you? Except for the latest avocado toast trend, of course! I must say, I was just so impressed when I found out you could put eggs on toast and call it a ‘new wave’ food. I’d never even thought of that. But do you use organic eggs, or is that a bit too much for your budget? Perhaps you should consider growing your own chickens!"
Hipster #3: [visibly exasperated, muttering to themselves] "It's not about eggs…"
Mrs. Warboys: "Oh, don’t get me started on eggs! I’ve always found them quite tricky to crack, especially the ones from the farmers' market. They’re just so fragile. And then, of course, you’ve got to get the perfect toast, not too burnt, not too raw. It’s a fine art, really. Perhaps you could all start a collective? A toast-sustainable community where everyone makes their own toast and eggs, and you can sit in a circle, cross-legged, holding hands, discussing the most recent documentary you watched about how the world’s really flat… or round… or whatever it is these days."
Hipster #1: [practically losing it now, voice trembling] "What are you talking about?! This isn’t about eggs, Mrs. Warboys! It’s about empowering marginalised communities, creating a safe and sustainable world!"
Mrs. Warboys: [smiling warmly] "Ah, I see, empowerment! Well, I think you’re all doing such lovely things for the world. Absolutely fantastic. But don’t forget, sometimes people just need a nice cup of tea, don’t they? And perhaps a piece of cake. That’s how you really bring the community together, I always say. How about I bring in some of those pasta bake dishes I made last week? I do love a good, hearty meal… it’s just so… you know, grounding."
The room is now utterly silent, everyone awkwardly shifting in their seats, unsure whether to laugh or cry.