Scene: Ye Olde Parrot Emporium
(Frank Costanza storms in, slamming a birdcage onto the counter. The shopkeeper, a picture of smug indifference, leans casually on the counter. A dusty bell jingles weakly.)
Frank:
"Alright, listen up, pal! I just bought this parrot not ten minutes ago, I bring it home, I open the cage, and BAM! It falls over like a sack of wet laundry! This is a dead parrot!"
Shopkeeper (smiling unhelpfully):
"No, no, no, sir. It's resting."
Frank (vein pulsing in forehead):
"Resting? RESTING?! This bird is kaput! It is an ex-parrot! It has ceased to be! IT IS NO MORE!"
(Suddenly, a burst of static and a screeching VWORP! fills the shop as the Dalek invasion fleet materialises in the middle of the store, completely blocking the door. The lead Dalek swivels its eyestalk, trying to process the situation.)
Dalek Commander:
"ERROR. THIS. IS. NOT. ANDROMEDA!"
Second Dalek (checking instruments):
"WE. HAVE. MATERIALISED. IN. A. BRITISH. HUMOUR. SKETCH!"
Dalek Commander:
"EXPLAIN. EXPLAIN!"
Frank (snapping at them):
"Oh, now you want someone to explain something?! WHY DON’T YOU EXPLAIN TO ME WHY I’M STANDING HERE WITH A DEAD BIRD WHILE YOU METAL MANIACS ARE BLOCKING THE EXIT!"
Dalek Commander:
"INCORRECT. THE PARROT IS NOT DEAD! IT IS… RESTING!"
Frank (face turning crimson):
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS?! IT’S STIFF AS A BOARD!"
(The shopkeeper, suddenly emboldened by the Daleks' support, straightens up smugly.)
Shopkeeper:
"You see, sir? Even the Daleks agree. It’s just resting. Beautiful plumage!"
Frank (grabbing his head):
"PLUMAGE?! PLUMAGE?! IT’S FROZEN SOLID! I’VE SEEN WARMER THINGS IN A MEAT LOCKER!"
Dalek 2 (nodding its dome):
"PARROT. IS. IN. STASIS."
Dalek Commander:
"COMMENCING. REVIVAL. PROCEDURE!"
(The Dalek’s gunstick charges with energy. There’s a dramatic pause before—)
ZZZZZAP!
(The parrot disintegrates into a puff of smoke.)
Frank (jaw dropping, then exploding with rage):
"YOU VAPORISED MY PARROT!!!"
Dalek Commander (calmly):
"NEGATIVE. PARROT HAS ASCENDED TO A HIGHER PLANE OF EXISTENCE."
Frank:
"I PAID GOOD MONEY FOR THAT BIRD!"
Shopkeeper (suddenly inspired):
"Ah, well, sir, store policy clearly states: no refunds on ascended beings."
Frank:
"SERENITY NOW!!!"
(At that moment, a bright blue light fills the shop. A Cyberman platoon materialises right next to the Daleks. The two mortal enemies pause, realising they’ve both landed in the worst possible place.)
Cyberleader:
"ERROR. THIS IS NOT ANDROMEDA."
Dalek Commander:
"CORRECT. THIS. IS. HELL."
(Frank throws up his hands while the shopkeeper starts dusting off another parrot.)
FADE TO BLACK.