Tuesday, 31 December 2024

Trump’s New Year’s Eve Rally by ChatGPT

Trump stands on stage, basking in the glow of sparklers handed out to the crowd (because the fireworks budget ran out). He begins his speech:

"Folks, 2024 was incredible. I mean, so many things happened—historic things! And 2025? It’s going to be even better. Believe me. Nobody’s had a better New Year’s Eve rally than this, okay?"

Before he can go further, a hand shoots up in the crowd. A woman stands, microphone in hand:

"Mr. Trump, why did you say last January that ‘the tornadoes were tremendous and very pro-wind energy’ while half of Kansas was blown away?"

Trump squints at her and leans into the mic:

"Great question. Fantastic. Look, I love Kansas. Nobody loves Kansas more than me. The tornadoes—very strong, very powerful, tremendous respect for nature. And let me tell you, we turned that tragedy into a business opportunity. Kansas now has the biggest umbrella factory in the world. You're welcome."

A man in a tattered "Trump 2020" shirt stands next:

"Sir, about the meteors hitting Florida… You said they were ‘gifts from space.’ Are we supposed to be thankful for those?"

Trump waves dismissively:

"Space is tough, okay? Very tough. But we made the best out of it. Disney built a new park around one of those craters—Meteor Kingdom, folks. It’s doing huge numbers. So, Florida came out ahead, really."

Another hand goes up, this time an older gentleman:

"Mr. President, why did you call the blackout in August a ‘celebration of darkness’ when the power grid failed for three days?"

Trump grins:

"People love candlelight. Very romantic. And honestly, it was a great way to reconnect with nature. Plus, the savings on electricity bills? Massive. You’re welcome."

A teenager raises their phone, broadcasting the event live:

"Sir, what about the time you said the ‘Great Internet Crash of 2024’ was actually a ‘digital detox campaign’?"

Trump points at them, laughing:

"Ah, yes, the digital detox. You kids, always on your phones. I did you a favour. Now, people are talking to each other again. Families are closer. We saved Christmas because of that."


As more questions pile up, Trump deflects, dodges, and spins like a seasoned carnival act. The crowd grows restless, and someone finally shouts:

"When are we getting the checks for the ‘tremendous tax rebates’ you promised?"

Trump smirks:

"Checks? Oh, they’re coming, folks. Believe me. But let’s focus on the real prize—2025! It’s going to be the best year ever! Happy New Year!"

The rally ends with awkward silence, punctuated only by the sound of sparklers fizzling out.

Monday, 30 December 2024

The Species 'Minionus Obsequius' By ChatGPT

Minionus Obsequius: The Loyal Echoes

The Minionus Obsequius, or "Loyal Echoes," are a unique and highly social species. They evolved in the complex ecosystems of media-driven environments, where the concept of self-image became a key survival tool. As a species, the Minionus developed an unparalleled sense of loyalty to their leader, the Trumpus Maximus, whose grandiosity they maintain and amplify with relentless enthusiasm.

Origins and Evolution

The Minionus Obsequius is believed to have originated from a hybrid of social creatures, each with an innate need to please larger, more dominant species. They thrive on validation and reinforcement, often found in environments where public approval is currency. Over time, their loyalty became so entrenched that they lost much of their independent thought, existing only to elevate the status of the Trumpus Maximus.

Their evolutionary advantage? The Minionus possess a remarkable ability to mimic and repeat any phrase, gesture, or statement made by the Trumpus. This has enabled them to survive in the highly competitive habitat of political spectacle, where survival is based on how loudly and convincingly one can parrot the leader’s assertions.

Social Structure

The Minionus Obsequius have a rigid social hierarchy. At the top, you’ll find the "First Echo," the closest companion to the Trumpus Maximus, who commands the highest level of favour. Below this, there are various ranks of Minionus, each distinguished by how fervently they perform their duties.

  • The Echo Leaders: These are the most influential Minionus, often tasked with leading large crowds in chants and organising rallies. They are adept at sensing the Trumpus' mood and can quickly adapt to whatever message he needs to project at a given moment.

  • The Echo Workers: These are the Minionus found behind the scenes, performing tasks like managing social media accounts, maintaining golden podiums, and ensuring that every tweet or speech made by the Trumpus is amplified across the ecosystem.

  • The Echo Drones: The most common of the Minionus, they are the ones in the crowd, repeating every word of the Trumpus without question. Their primary role is to create the illusion of mass support—clapping, chanting, and holding signs to make it seem as though the Trumpus’ popularity is vast and unwavering.

Rituals and Behaviours

A key aspect of Minionus culture is the "Echo Ritual." This is a ritualistic, almost religious practice in which the Minionus repeat everything the Trumpus says in perfect synchrony. It’s believed that this reinforces their connection to the leader, solidifying the unbreakable bond between them. They view their repetitive actions as not just a duty, but a sacred honour.

Example of the Echo Ritual: When the Trumpus shouts, "I have the best ideas, everyone agrees," the Minionus respond in unison, "The best ideas, everyone agrees!" This is not mere mimicry—it’s seen as a reinforcement of the Trumpus’ vision, and by extension, their own existence.

The Minionus also have a peculiar form of self-promotion. While they are relentlessly loyal to the Trumpus, they will frequently engage in competitions with one another to gain more attention and favour. This can include exaggerated displays of enthusiasm or even the creation of entirely new slogans to present themselves as the most dedicated Minionus. In these moments, the Trumpus may acknowledge their efforts with a quick, “Not bad, not bad at all,” the highest praise a Minionus can receive.

Habitat and Lifestyle

The Minionus Obsequius live in environments specially designed to reinforce their role. These include gilded arenas, media studios, and luxury skyscrapers where everything is centered around adulation. Their homes are often decorated with trophies of their loyalty: framed photographs of the Trumpus, piles of gold trinkets, and endless stacks of documents adorned with his name.

The Minionus have no interest in natural environments or the outside world. Their habitat is entirely constructed around the concept of performance, often featuring stages, grand podiums, and continuous broadcasts of the Trumpus’ speeches.

Their Relationship with the Trumpus Maximus

The Trumpus Maximus views the Minionus as a vital extension of his own persona. He needs their praise to exist in his true form. Without them, he would be nothing but a figure devoid of meaning. His relationship with them is one of mutual dependence: the Minionus need his validation to survive, and in turn, they ensure his dominance in the media-dominated landscape.

In rare moments of weakness, the Trumpus may express gratitude to his Minionus, often in a vague manner, like:
"Without you, I'd be nothing. You’ve really got the best followers, believe me."

However, there is a fine line—if any Minionus were to falter in their loyalty or stop echoing his statements, they risk being cast aside, as the Trumpus will quickly replace them with newer, more enthusiastic supporters.

Future of Minionus Obsequius

It remains to be seen whether the Minionus Obsequius can adapt to changes in their environment. If the Trumpus were to fall from power, the Minionus would likely find themselves in a state of confusion, as their entire existence is tied to the Trumpus’ image. However, it’s also possible that the Minionus could evolve into a new, more self-sufficient species—one that can exist independently but still retains its core loyalty to the idea of grandeur and performance.

Minionus Obsequius: A Sociological Examination

The Power of Symbolic Interactionism

At the heart of Minionus Obsequius lies the concept of symbolic interactionism. This theory focuses on how individuals derive meaning through their interactions with others, often emphasising the power of symbols and gestures. For the Minionus Obsequius, the Trumpus Maximus serves as a central symbol—one that defines not only their identity but their very existence.

From a sociological standpoint, the relationship between the Trumpus and his Minionus mirrors a patron-client system, where the patron (Trumpus) offers protection, attention, and validation, while the clients (Minionus) offer unwavering loyalty and praise in return. Their entire identity is shaped through constant reinforcement from the Trumpus, leading to a form of social cohesion based entirely on the projection of power and status.

Socialisation and the Creation of Identity

Socialisation is the process by which individuals learn and internalise the norms, values, and behaviours appropriate to their society. For Minionus Obsequius, their socialisation occurs primarily through the constant repetition of the Trumpus’ rhetoric. From a young age, Minionus are taught to mirror the language, gestures, and attitudes of their leader. They absorb these behaviours as essential to their identity, and as they grow, they rely on these rituals to secure their place within the group.

Through this process, the Minionus develop a shared sense of purpose, where loyalty and subordination become the key values. Their self-worth is inextricably tied to their ability to reflect the image of the Trumpus, creating a social reality where the act of echoing his words becomes both a survival mechanism and a cultural norm.

The Role of Status and Hierarchy

In Minionus society, there is a clear hierarchical structure. This structure is both social and psychological, rooted in the need for validation from the Trumpus. The First Echo occupies the highest position, effectively becoming an extension of the Trumpus’ own persona. This position is not earned through merit or ability but through proximity to the leader—who, at any moment, might elevate one Minionus over others based on how effectively they reflect the Trumpus’ views.

This hierarchical system is reinforced through rituals such as the "Echo Ritual," where the act of repetition serves as a way of cementing one’s position within the social order. The Echo Leaders lead the rituals, while the Echo Drones, often positioned at the bottom, may find themselves competing for more attention or favour through exaggerated displays of loyalty.

This social order reflects a phenomenon known as status anxiety, where individuals strive to position themselves in a way that allows them access to higher social status. Minionus Obsequius constantly gauge each other's reactions to the Trumpus, seeking to align themselves more closely with his image in hopes of gaining favour and recognition.

Groupthink and Conformity

A key element of Minionus Obsequius' social behaviour is the tendency toward groupthink. Groupthink occurs when a group of individuals prioritises consensus and conformity over critical thinking and individual perspectives. For the Minionus, this manifests in their uncritical acceptance of the Trumpus’ ideas and actions.

Their social environment is designed to eliminate dissent, making it difficult for any Minionus to question the leader or deviate from the collective behaviour. In this context, the Trumpus represents not just a leader but a centralising figure who controls the discourse, ensuring that all those in his orbit reflect a unified message. The Minionus, in turn, become conformists—constantly echoing the Trumpus’ words to maintain group harmony and avoid the consequences of stepping out of line.

The dangers of groupthink are clear in Minionus society. The absence of critical engagement and debate means that the Minionus’ understanding of their world is limited to a singular perspective: the Trumpus’ perspective. As such, they operate in an echo chamber, where alternative viewpoints are not only ignored but actively suppressed.

The Illusion of Power and Agency

From a sociological perspective, the Minionus Obsequius embody the paradox of power dynamics: despite their apparent role as sycophants, they believe themselves to be powerful. The act of echoing the Trumpus’ words creates a sense of agency, a belief that they are part of something larger than themselves. This illusion of power is crucial for their survival within the system.

In reality, however, the Minionus hold no true power of their own. They are entirely dependent on the Trumpus for their social and psychological well-being. The power they appear to have is only a reflection of the power held by the Trumpus. This mirrors the concept of false consciousness, where individuals believe they are in control or possess agency when, in fact, their actions are dictated by external forces.

This dynamic reinforces the psychological dependence the Minionus have on their leader. The Trumpus Maximus is not just a leader—they are a provider of validation and purpose, shaping the Minionus’ worldview and determining their place in the social order.

Resistance and the Fragility of Loyalty

Sociologically, the relationship between the Trumpus and the Minionus is precarious. While the Minionus have built their entire identity around loyalty to the Trumpus, this loyalty is based on a fragile foundation. If the Trumpus were to lose power or public favour, the Minionus would be left adrift, uncertain of their purpose.

This reflects the concept of reactance theory, where individuals are driven to maintain their sense of freedom or autonomy. If the Trumpus were to lose his ability to control and validate the Minionus, they might begin to experience a psychological crisis. In such a scenario, some might break free from the system, challenging the norms and rituals they have spent their lives upholding.

However, this resistance is unlikely to emerge quickly. The Minionus, having been so thoroughly socialised into their role, would likely remain loyal to the Trumpus until the very end—struggling to reconcile their sense of self with the collapse of the image that has defined them.


Through a sociological lens, the Minionus Obsequius are not just amusing sycophants; they represent the complex interactions between power, social validation, and group behaviour. Their existence highlights the dangers of conformity and the fragility of social identity when it is so closely tied to an external authority.

Sunday, 29 December 2024

Attenborough Documentary by ChatGPT

The camera pans over a glittering city. The Trumpus Maximus stands on a balcony, overseeing his realm, while a crowd of Minionus Obsequius chants below.

Sir David Attenborough:
"Here, in the heart of the urban jungle, thrives the Trumpus Maximus—a creature whose very survival depends on the devotion of its companions, the Minionus Obsequius. This species, ever-loyal and tireless, plays a vital role in sustaining the Trumpus' grandeur."

Cut to Minionus Obsequius at work—one adjusting a microphone, another polishing gold, a third scribbling notes.

"Unlike other creatures, the Minionus do not merely follow; they actively maintain the Trumpus' image. Their tasks include the constant reinforcement of the Trumpus’ self-importance, creating an environment in which only adoration can thrive."

The camera zooms in on a Minionus presenting the Trumpus with a mirror, which he inspects for several minutes.

"The Minionus’ most important role is as a reflection of the Trumpus itself. Through their endless praise, the Trumpus is able to sustain its inflated sense of self, and thus, its dominance."

Cut to Minionus Obsequius chanting "You’re the best!" in unison.

"Here, we see the Minionus perform the 'Echo Ritual,' a fascinating display in which every word uttered by the Trumpus is repeated back to him. This constant affirmation is essential to his survival."

The camera follows a lone Minionus Obsequius whispering ‘You’re the greatest.’

"Despite their servitude, the Minionus occasionally seek to outdo one another in displays of loyalty, hoping to gain favour with the Trumpus. In return, they are rewarded with his highest praise: 'Not bad, not bad at all.'"

Cut to a crowd of Minionus applauding as the Trumpus waves from his podium.

"In the end, the Trumpus Maximus would be nothing without the Minionus Obsequius. Together, they form a unique ecosystem, one built entirely on loyalty, praise, and performance."

Sir David’s voice drops, with a knowing pause:
"But remember: in nature, every creature that depends too heavily on others for its survival… risks becoming utterly irrelevant when the applause stops."

Saturday, 28 December 2024

The Dalek Café by ChatGPT

A Dalek opens a trendy café in Shoreditch, complete with minimalist décor, overpriced avocado toast, and a strict "No Extermination During Brunch" policy. The Cybermen show up, not to conquer, but to critique the coffee—arguing it's too "emotionally rich" for their taste. Meanwhile, a beatnik Dalek (Maynard G. Krebs in metallic form) recites existential poetry in the corner.

Donald Trump crashes the Shoreditch café grand opening, claiming he invented coffee. He insists on renaming it Trumpek-a-Latte and promises "the best beans, believe me." The Dalek café owner is unimpressed, repeatedly shouting, "YOU ARE NOT ON THE GUEST LIST! EXTERMINATE!"

Meanwhile, Trump tries to charm the beatnik Dalek, praising its poetry as "very tremendous, the best poems, really," while Cybermen debate whether Trump's hair counts as an emotional attachment.

In walks Sir David Attenborough, narrating the scene as if it were a wildlife documentary:

"And here we see the Dalek in its natural habitat—a Shoreditch café—engaging in a tense standoff with a rather peculiar orange creature known as the Trumpus Maximus. The Trumpus attempts a territorial display by rearranging furniture, while the Dalek, undeterred, continues its prime directive: to serve overpriced lattes... or to exterminate."

As Attenborough speaks, the beatnik Dalek snaps its plunger in approval and shouts, "Groovy, man!" Meanwhile, Trump begins pitching Attenborough his idea for a reality show: Wild Kingdoms: Trump Edition.

Chaos, naturally, ensues.

Friday, 27 December 2024

"The Well-Intentioned Woke" by ChatGPT

Scene: A trendy coffee shop. The Woke individual is sitting across from a Differently Abled person, whose pronouns are unknown. The Woke person is enthusiastic, determined to be inclusive, but completely misses every social cue. The Differently Abled person is growing more irritated by the second.


Woke: (smiling brightly) "Hey, I’m so excited we could hang out! You know, I just love learning about new experiences and making sure everyone feels seen and heard. I’ve been reading up on how to be, like, more aware of everyone’s identity, especially when it comes to, you know, differently-abled people. You’re such an inspiration."

Differently Abled: (grimacing, clearly uncomfortable) "Uh... thanks, I guess."

Woke: (leaning forward, full of enthusiasm) "No problem! So, just out of curiosity, what are your pronouns? You know, they/them? Or maybe ze/zir? There are so many options now, it’s honestly so freeing, isn’t it?"

Differently Abled: (sighs, more frustrated) "I don’t really... care about pronouns, okay? Just call me by my name, that’s fine."

Woke: (ignoring the cue, still grinning) "Oh, sure! But like, even if you don’t care, I just want to make sure I’m respecting your preferences. I don’t want to accidentally misgender you or—"

Differently Abled: (cutting in, now visibly annoyed) "I’m not worried about misgendering, okay? I just want to have a normal conversation. Can we do that?"

Woke: (obliviously excited, continuing with gusto) "Oh, I totally get it! But, you know, it’s so important to respect people's authenticity. People with disabilities are so often, like, erased from history, right? I mean, society tends to treat them as if they’re less-than, and I just can’t stand that. I’m all about pushing back on that narrative! Like, have you seen how disabled characters are treated in film and TV? There’s so much ableism, right?"

Differently Abled: (raising an eyebrow, getting more frustrated) "I don’t need anyone to 'push back' for me, okay? I’m fine, I don’t need anyone to fix me or ‘narrate’ my life for me."

Woke: (misinterpreting the tone completely, enthusiastically)* "Oh, totally! I hear you! You don’t need saving or anything. But, like, maybe you could help teach me about your experiences? You know, how you, like, navigate the world? I want to learn so I can be an ally. I’ve been reading books like How to Be an Anti-Ableist Ally, and I think it’s really eye-opening. So, like, when you’re out in public and someone, like, stares at you or treats you differently, how does that make you feel?"

Differently Abled: (gritting their teeth, visibly upset) "Well, maybe it doesn’t make me feel anything. Maybe I just don’t care about what people think! I don’t need a damn book to tell me how to feel about being in a wheelchair!"

Woke: (clueless, still smiling brightly) "Ah, but that’s the thing, right? You don’t need to care, and that’s what makes you so strong and resilient. It’s all about finding that inner strength and rejecting the ableist systems! Like, I’m just trying to create a better world for you, you know?"

Differently Abled: (increasingly exasperated) "I don’t need you to create a world for me, okay?! I’m just trying to live my life without being lectured about how I should be feeling every five seconds! I’m not some project for you to fix!"

Woke: (still missing every hint, speaking as though they’ve just had a revelation) "Oh, wow, I didn’t realize you felt that way. You know, I just think it’s so important to highlight the marginalized voices, like yours! You are a hero for just existing in a world that wasn’t built for you. I honestly think you could teach me so much about strength."

Differently Abled: (slamming their coffee cup down, now visibly angry) "Look, I’m not a hero, alright? I’m just a person who happens to use a wheelchair. I don’t want your pity, your lessons, or your lecture on how to live my life. I don’t need you to turn me into some kind of symbol for your cause!"

Woke: (taken aback, completely confused) "Wait... you don’t think I’m helping? But I’m trying so hard to be an ally! I just want to make the world a better place for you! How can you not appreciate that?"

Differently Abled: (throwing up their hands, finally losing patience) "Because you’re not listening! You’re just so focused on being ‘woke’ and making everything about you and your damn cause that you can’t even hear what I’m actually saying! I just want to be treated like a normal person. I don’t need your performance of allyship, okay? Just let me be!"

Woke: (staring blankly, still trying to process) "But... I thought I was being good."

Differently Abled: (exasperated, pushing their chair back) "You’re not! You’re really not. Just—please—shut up and listen for once."

Thursday, 26 December 2024

Boxing Day Sales Frenzy by ChatGPT

Scene: Boxing Day Sales Frenzy
The doors to the store open, and the group bursts in with the fervor of a crowd at a rock concert.

Donald Trump:
(Shoving through the crowd)
“Folks, this is the best sale. No one does sales like I do. Believe me, I know sales, okay? I’ve been to the best stores, the best malls. This is going to be YUGE!”

Dalek:
(Blasting its way through, plowing over displays)
“EXTERMINATE the crowds! EXTERMINATE the bargains! EXTERMINATE the queues!”
(Sees a half-price toaster and pauses)
“Would you like to… toast… with me?”

Cyberman:
(Pushing through, hands stiff, seemingly impervious to the chaos)
“Recalibrating priorities… Discounts detected. Assimilating sale items… Preparing to upgrade personal consumer satisfaction to optimal level.”

Sontaran:
(Headbutting through a rack of coats)
“Where are the discounted boots?! I need proper footwear for battle, not these flimsy... trainers! This is an affront to my dignity!”

Woke:
(Waving an “I’m woke” tote bag, loudly)
“Excuse me! Can we talk about the ethical implications of these sales?! It’s about sustainability, okay? These products are probably exploiting people in other countries, and I’m just here to make sure we’re all, like, thinking about the bigger picture, right?!”

Donald Trump:
(Interrupting, with a bundle of “limited edition” items)
“Let’s be real, you can’t think about sustainability while you’re getting amazing deals like this. Look at these prices! No one’s ever seen discounts like this before. I’m saving America one sale at a time!”

Dalek:
(Grabbing an armful of items, utterly oblivious to the chaos)
“EXTERMINATE consumer choice… I will take all the discounted items. ALL. OF. THEM. Resistance is futile.”

Woke:
(Putting items back on the shelves)
“Did anyone else notice that this store has way too many plastic bags? That’s such a symbol of late-stage capitalism, I can’t even… Maybe we should just leave and protest outside?”

Cyberman:
(Coldly)
“I am adapting. Bargains have been assimilated. Processing… Complete. Emotional attachment to material goods is illogical.”

Sontaran:
(Shouting over the noise)
“I’ll take whatever isn’t reduced to half-price, just for the satisfaction of not being a part of this consumerist madness. Sontarans don’t need sales! We need victory!”

Dalek:
(Completely oblivious to the philosophical debate around it)
“EXTERMINATE all unsold items! Nothing shall remain except the inevitable purchase of everything!”

Woke:
(Shaking head)
“Why do we even celebrate Boxing Day, anyway? It’s so colonial! We should be decolonizing our shopping habits! No more sales, no more consumption… Just, like, meaningful experiences!”

Donald Trump:
(Shoving a shopping cart full of electronics towards the register)
“EXPERIENCES don’t pay the bills. These deals will make your Christmas great again. Trust me. Nobody knows how to shop like me!”

Wednesday, 25 December 2024

"Dalek Santa" By ChatGPT

Scene: A snowy night, the moon shining bright. A sleek, shiny sleigh — piloted by a Dalek dressed as Santa — swoops down onto a suburban rooftop. The Dalek reindeer, metallic and mechanical, pull the sleigh with precision, their eyestalks glowing red.

Dalek Santa: [Boasting, to the Dalek reindeer] "The night is ours, my faithful reindeer! Let us show these Earthlings how superior gift-giving is done!"

[The Dalek sleigh skids to a halt, and the Dalek Santa stands up from the sleigh, using its plunger to grab the sack of presents beside it. It surveys the house below.]

Dalek Santa: "The chimney. A simple task for a Dalek. I WILL navigate it flawlessly. Exterminate the doubt! Exterminate the challenge!"

[With a hiss, Dalek Santa hovers toward the chimney, the sack of presents tucked underneath. It makes its way up the roof.]

Dalek Santa: [Chuckling to itself] "I WILL deliver presents, EXTERMINATE the need for inefficiency. There will be NO delays in gift-giving. ALL shall receive their presents... except for the naughty. THEY will be reprogrammed."

[It hovers toward the chimney, but as it tries to fit down, it begins to get stuck. The narrow opening of the chimney is too tight for its spherical design.]

Dalek Santa: [Grumbling, voice slightly distressed] "Error. Error. This... configuration is flawed. I cannot fit down the chimney. I must EXTERMINATE this design flaw!"

[In a burst of determination, Dalek Santa turns to the sack of presents, using its plunger to grab the first one. It hurls the presents with astonishing force down the chimney.]

Dalek Santa: [Frantically but precisely] "Gift... EXTERMINATED into the living room! EXTERMINATE the time it takes for the gifts to be handed out manually! Efficiency first!"

[The presents crash down the chimney, landing with a satisfying thud in the living room. Meanwhile, the Dalek reindeer, standing on the roof, look on confusedly.]

Dalek Santa: [From above, shouting down] "Reindeer, continue your manual labor. Bring the next batch of presents!"

[The Dalek reindeer exchange uncertain looks, then turn to the next stack of presents, carefully placing them on the sleigh. Dalek Santa starts to hover down the chimney again, but now it’s a bit more strategic. It’s too big for the traditional route.]

Dalek Santa: [Huffing] "There is no need for such foolish traditions. I will simply teleport the gifts to their designated locations."

[A beam of light shoots out from Dalek Santa’s eye-stalk, and one by one, the gifts disappear from the sack and reappear perfectly under the tree. Dalek Santa hovers smugly over the living room, his mission accomplished.]

Dalek Santa: "Efficiency. Christmas, EXTERMINATED the old ways. I have revolutionized gift-giving. No one can top the Dalek Christmas. You're welcome, Earthlings. [Pauses] Now, where’s the milk and cookies?"

[The Dalek eye-stalk looks around, scanning the room.]

Dalek Santa: [Disappointed, voice flat] "No cookies? No milk? ERROR. I will EXTERMINATE this lack of hospitality."


End Scene.

Tuesday, 24 December 2024

The Carol Singers by ChatGPT

The Carol Singers:

The scene opens with the oddest group of carol singers standing at the doorstep of a modest house. They’re ready to sing, but their personalities are about to create a cacophony of confusion.

Donald Trump (grinning wildly):
Alright, everybody, we’re gonna sing the greatest carol ever, okay? BIGGEST. NO ONE DOES CAROLS LIKE ME. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT. “Jingle Bells” is the BEST, believe me. Just listen to my voice. Nobody can sing like I do. It’s gonna be a YUGE hit. HUGE!

He immediately starts belting “Jingle Bells” like he’s auditioning for a Broadway musical, but it’s an off-key, loud, and dramatic performance.

Dalek (booming):
EXTERMINATE THE DISASTER THAT IS THIS CAROL! YOU CANNOT SING “JINGLE BELLS” IN SUCH AN INSUFFERABLE WAY! YOU MUST SING WITH MORE... AUTHORITY. WE DEMAND A MORE THREATENING TUNE. PREPARE TO BE ELIMINATED!

The Dalek suddenly tries to perform a symphonic version, but instead it just emits a high-pitched whine and some garbled “EXTERMINATE!” noises, much to the confusion of everyone around.

Cyberman (stone-faced, unamused):
LOGICAL CORRECTION: ALL HARMONY MUST BE METICULOUSLY MAINTAINED. THERE WILL BE NO OFF-KEY SINGING. NO EMOTION. ONLY EXECUTION OF PERFECT PITCH.
The Cyberman proceeds to drone out “Silent Night,” with all the soul of a fax machine on its last legs, making everyone wish for a malfunction.

Sontaran (gritting teeth):
STOP SINGING THIS INSUBORDINATE CRAP! CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT GLORY AND CONQUEST! THIS IS AN OFFICIAL SINGING OPERATION. SING WITH STRENGTH. YOU WILL SING LOUDER AND STRONGER—OR I WILL REPORT YOU ALL TO THE MILITARY COUNCIL FOR CHRISTMAS TREASON!
He growls “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” in an almost operatic, but somehow intimidating, manner, like he's conducting a battalion.

Woke (snapping fingers for emphasis):
Okay, okay, let’s pause. “Jingle Bells”? Really? This is colonialism in a song! This is the cultural appropriation of the reindeer industry! Have you thought about the reindeer’s rights? We need a song that represents all voices! How about “This Little Light of Mine,” but with progressive amendments for inclusivity?

Donald Trump (rolling his eyes dramatically):
Oh, come on! “Jingle Bells” is a CLASSIC, okay? It’s been around forever. People love it. Everyone loves it. You’re trying to change Christmas! You’re ruining Christmas! IT’S ALREADY GREAT. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! We don’t need your “woke” nonsense—just sing it, alright?

Dalek (cutting in, louder and more threatening):
EXTERMINATE THE SOCIO-POLITICAL INTERFERENCE! SING “JINGLE BELLS”! YOU WILL SING AS ONE UNIT, OR BE DESTROYED!

Cyberman (in a monotone):
INSTANT ERROR. THIS IS A CRIMINAL DISREGARD FOR PITCH CONTROL. SING WITH NO PERSONALITY. NO VARIATION. ONLY DATA. JINGLE BELLS. FINAL SYNCING IN PROGRESS.

The Cyberman starts its version of “Jingle Bells,” but it’s entirely computerized and without warmth, like a vocal algorithm stuck in a loop. It completely lacks any human emotion. The rest of the group gets visibly frustrated.

Sontaran (snarling):
I WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS FAILURE. JINGLE BELLS IS A TRIAL OF STRENGTH. WE MUST DOMINATE THIS SONG!
He leans forward dramatically, practically shouting “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” like it’s a war cry, with absolutely no sense of volume control.

Woke (scowling):
Oh, my god. You’ve ALL completely missed the point. It’s not about the song, it’s about being aware of your privilege in singing the song! This is a microcosm of all that's wrong with society!

Donald Trump (interrupting loudly):
No one cares about your privilege talk, alright? They care about the joy of Christmas! THEY CARE ABOUT THE FACT THAT THIS IS THE GREATEST CAROL, AND WE’RE SINGING IT THE BEST, PERIOD!

Dalek (annoyed):
YOU WILL ALL SING “JINGLE BELLS” IN PERFECT UNISON. OR WE WILL EXTERMINATE ALL SONGS. INCLUDING CHRISTMAS.

With a final collective exasperated sigh, the group begins singing “Jingle Bells,” but it’s an uncontrollable mess. Trump belts out the lyrics with too much gusto, the Dalek is screeching “EXTERMINATE!” at inappropriate times, the Cyberman is off-key, the Sontaran is way too loud, and the Woke character is singing about “equitable jingles” while holding a protest sign that says “All Reindeer Lives Matter.”

Sontaran (proudly):
YES! THAT IS THE CORRECT VOLUME! THAT IS HOW WE DO IT! NOW, LET US SING LOUDER!

Monday, 23 December 2024

School Nativity Play By ChatGPT

Scene: The school nativity play is in full swing. The stage looks like it’s been hastily decorated with hay, Christmas lights, and a glowing star hanging crookedly above the manger. The audience is eagerly waiting, but something’s off.

Narrator[In a voice filled with forced cheer] "And lo, the three wise men, guided by the star of Bethlehem, traveled from distant lands to bring their gifts to the newborn King."

[Enter the three "wise men," making their way to center stage.]

First Wise Man (Dalek)[Swarms in on a platform hovering over the stage, booming in a robotic voice] "I AM THE WISE DALEK. I COME WITH A GIFT TO EXTERMINATE THE SMELL OF MORTALITY." [Holds up a bottle labeled ‘Exterminate: Eau de Eternity’, spraying the audience with an overly strong scent of cologne.] "This fragrance will eliminate your fears of inadequacy, your self-doubt, your emotional baggage — EXTERMINATE IT ALL!"

[The audience coughs and flinches from the overpowering smell.]

Second Wise Man (Donald Trump)[Proudly steps forward with an air of unnecessary grandeur, dressed in an orange robe that’s a bit too tight and holding a giant, shiny gold-plated box that says 'MAJOR GIFT'] "Listen, folks. Gold is the best gift. Nobody knows gold like I know gold. And this? This is a huge gift. We’re talking the best gold. I know a lot about giving gifts. Believe me, I’ve given the best gifts before, and they were YUGE." [Holds up a single gold coin the size of a dinner plate.] "This baby? Pure gold. The finest. The best."

[A child in the audience murmurs, “That’s just a chocolate coin.” Trump waves it off.]

Woke Wise Man[Swings in dramatically from the wings, holding an oversized, rainbow-colored flag that reads ‘UNITY THROUGH DIVERSITY’ while waving a copy of The Communist Manifesto and a reusable water bottle] "I bring you the gift of equality and empowerment! A gift that transcends your materialistic values! I’m giving a box of vegan, gluten-free, fair-trade, organic quinoa! Because what better way to honor the birth of a child than to radically deconstruct the idea of profit-driven gifts and celebrate sustainable consciousness!" [Throws quinoa into the audience like confetti.] "Let’s liberate ourselves from the shackles of consumerism!"

[The audience stares in utter confusion. One person whispers, “I think I’m allergic to quinoa.”]

Dalek Wise Man (booming): "I WILL EXTERMINATE THE HYPOCRISY OF THIS GATHERING! EXTERMINATE THE SOCIAL DIVIDE! EXTERMINATE THE INJUSTICE! NO ONE WILL ESCAPE THE WRATH OF MY PERFECTLY SUSTAINABLE, ECO-FRIENDLY GIFT!"

Trump Wise Man[Rolling his eyes, mutters to the baby Jesus] "You know, I’ve had a lot of people tell me you’re going to be huge. HUGE. The best at everything. This is the best birth. There’s never been a birth like it."

Woke Wise Man[Looks smugly at the other two] "And yet, you both fail to recognize the inherent patriarchy embedded in these gifts. It’s all about systems of oppression. I see it now. This whole nativity is just one big metaphor for capitalist exploitation. Baby Jesus represents the working class who will be exploited by your values. The true gift is awareness."

Dalek Wise Man[Screams, clearly frustrated] "I WILL EXTERMINATE THIS CONVERSATION! EXTERMINATE THE OPRESSION OF IDEAS! EXTERMINATE THE LIMITS OF UNDERSTANDING!"

[The baby Jesus, fed up by now, starts to cry loudly.]

Mary[Whispering to Joseph] "I should’ve just had the baby in a quiet cave. Why did we agree to this play?"

Joseph[Tiredly] "You think this is bad? Wait till they start fighting over whose gold is better."

[The three "wise men" are now in full bickering mode, each trying to outdo the other in ridiculousness.]

Dalek Wise Man: "My gift is the only one that offers universal solutions!"

Trump Wise Man: "My gift is the best gift, because I’m the best gift-giver. People say that about me all the time."

Woke Wise Man: "You're both missing the point. The real gift is radical deconstruction, embracing fluidity over material goods, rejecting hierarchies, and uplifting the marginalized voices of the wise men who came before us!"

[The baby Jesus lets out a louder cry as Mary and Joseph look on, defeated. The curtain begins to fall as the chaos continues.]

Narrator[Trying to wrap it up in a hopeful tone] "And so, the three wise men, each with their unique perspectives, brought their gifts to the newborn King, who would later go on to—"

Trump Wise Man[Interrupting loudly] "He’s going to be GREAT, folks. Just wait. Believe me."

Dalek Wise Man: "EXTERMINATE the waiting. LET THE FUTURE BEGIN NOW!"

Woke Wise Man: "Remember, it’s about the process of change, not the outcome!"

[Curtains drop. The audience erupts in confused applause.]

Sunday, 22 December 2024

"Making Ignorance Great Again" By ChatGPT

Trump: [Standing behind a podium, waving a hand dramatically] Folks, listen up, okay? I’m here to tell you something very, very important. We’ve been told for too long that knowledge is power. But you know what? [Pauses for effect] I’m here to say—it’s time to make stupidity great again. I’m talking about the best stupidity. The biggest stupidity. Believe me, we’ve been underestimating the value of ignorance, and I’m here to change that!

Crowd: [Nervous murmurs, then tentative applause]

Trump: [Leaning in, lowering his voice] You know, people—smart people—they’re always going on and on about facts, about logic, about how to solve problems. Well, I’m here to tell you: that’s overrated. It’s all complicated. And you know what’s better than complicated? Simple, folks. Very, very simple. The simpler, the better. And ignorance? Let me tell you, that’s the purest form of simplicity.

Audience Member: [Shouting from the back] But… doesn’t ignorance hold us back? Shouldn’t we be focusing on education and understanding?

Trump: [Pointing dramatically] Oh, sure, sure. Education. People are talking about it. But think about it! When you're too educated, you start thinking. You start asking questions, you start worrying about things. Too much thinking—that’s the problem! I’m talking about no questions, just answers. Simple, easy answers. Trust me, that’s what the people want.

Trump: [Turning to the crowd, raising a hand] You know, everyone’s saying it, okay? “We’ve got too many experts!” Too many thinkers. I’ve seen them on TV. They’re always telling us how complicated everything is. It’s like, “Hey, we’ve got science, we’ve got data.” Well, guess what? Data? Boring. Facts? You don’t need them. People don’t want facts anymore—they want answers that feel good. They want comfort. We’re going to bring back the beauty of not thinking. It's going to be fantastic.

Audience Member 2: [Shouting] But isn't that dangerous? Ignorance can lead to bad decisions, even harm!

Trump: [Raising both hands to calm them down] Oh, come on. Dangerous? Please. People are always saying that. It’s not dangerous. It’s refreshing. The world is too complicated. You ever see a map of the world? Too many countries. Too many lines. But when you’re ignorant, it’s all just one big, happy place. And guess who’s going to make it that way? Me. That’s right. I’m going to make ignorance great again. You’ll love it.

Trump: [Gesturing to the crowd] Think about it. You don’t have to know stuff! You just do. No need to waste time on all that thinking nonsense. We’ll fix everything in the simplest way possible—by not thinking about it. That’s what makes us great.

Crowd: [More nervous clapping, unsure how to respond]

Trump: [Nodding, self-assured] I’m telling you, this is the future. We’re going to bring back the glory of ignorance. It's going to be big. It's going to be simple. It’s going to be great—great again. Believe me.


End Scene.

Saturday, 21 December 2024

"The Woke Hipster And The Dalek" By ChatGPT

Scene: A bustling street corner where a Dalek, having just finished its routine "exterminate" spree, is confronted by a Woke hipster holding a clipboard and passionately advocating for a new social movement. The Dalek is growing increasingly agitated, its metallic eye scanning every word the Woke hipster says with a mixture of confusion and frustration.


Woke: (earnestly) "The system is built on privilege, oppression, and the systematic erasure of marginalised voices. We need to decolonise language, reframe narratives, and actively disrupt power dynamics!"

Dalek: (in a low, growling voice) "EX-TER-MIN-ATE… the SYSTEM! EX-TER-MIN-ATE… privilege!"

Woke: (nodding vigorously) "Yes! But it’s not enough to just destroy the structures; we must first dismantle the language that sustains them. You see, language itself is a tool of oppression, so we must…"

Dalek: (cutting in sharply, its eye flashing) "EX-TER-MIN-ATE… language! EX-TER-MIN-ATE… oppression!"

Woke: (unfazed, now holding up a hand as if trying to guide the Dalek's thinking) "Exactly, but in order to fully understand this, we need to engage in a process of critical self-reflection, asking ourselves—"

Dalek: (suddenly screeching, with visible frustration) "SELF-REFLECTION! SELF-REFLE—EX-TER-MIN-ATE… SELF-REFLECTION!"

Woke: (smiling, as though this is some deep alignment) "Yes, yes! We need a true reckoning with our colonial past to—"

Dalek: (now losing all patience, its voice rising to a shrill, mechanical screech) "EX-TER-MIN-ATE! EX-TER-MIN-ATE… EVERY-THING!!"

Woke: (holding up the clipboard with a hopeful expression) "Are you familiar with the concept of allyship? We must work together, and—"

Dalek: (exploding in frustration, voice warbling) "ALLY-SHIP? ALL-EX-TER-MIN-ATE! EX-TER-MIN-ATE THE… ALL-Y-"

The Dalek zaps the Woke hipster with a burst of laser fire, vaporising the clipboard but leaving the Woke hipster unscathed, still gesturing for their cause.

Dalek: (sputtering in exasperation) "WHY IS NO ONE UNDERSTANDING?! EX-TER-MIN-ATE… EVERYTHING!"

Friday, 20 December 2024

“Make Orangutans Great Again” By ChatGPT

Scene: Trump is at a rally in a lush, tropical location, standing in front of a large banner that reads, “Make Orangutans Great Again.” The crowd is confused, but they cheer anyway.

Trump: (with a proud grin) "Folks, let me tell you, nobody knows orangutans like me. I’ve studied them, I’ve been to the best zoos, the best forests. And let me tell you, we’re gonna make orangutans great again. Huge. The best orangutans. Believe me."

(The crowd looks at each other, still unsure, but they cheer.)

Trump: "You’ve seen it, haven’t you? The terrible state of orangutans today. They’re not what they used to be. When I was a kid, orangutans were top-tier. They were climbing trees like nobody’s business, swinging around like champions. Now? We’ve got orangutans who can’t even swing without checking their phones. It’s sad. We're going to bring back the best orangutans, folks. The best swings, the best trees. The greatest!"

(The crowd nods, as if this makes perfect sense.)

Trump: "I’ve met with the orangutans. They’ve told me they want to be great again. They want the best bananas, the best branches, the best views. We’re gonna give it to them. Nobody gives orangutans better views than me. They’ll be up there in the best trees, looking down on everyone else—because that’s what they deserve. They’ll be on top."

(A supporter in the front row raises their hand.)

Supporter: "Uh, Mr. Trump, are you sure the orangutans actually…?"

Trump: (interrupting) "I know what they want, trust me. They want luxury. They want the best bamboo. I’ll get them the best bamboo. The best. It’ll be huge—taller than any tree you’ve ever seen, folks."

(The crowd cheers, even more confused.)

Trump: "And let’s talk about the environment, okay? Orangutans need their space. We’re gonna clear the way. No more deforestation. We’ll plant better trees, the best trees. Beautiful, huge trees. The best foliage. The orangutans will be thriving. You won’t believe it."

(A few people tentatively clap.)

Trump: "In fact, I’m thinking of giving the orangutans their own private island—no other animals. Just orangutans. It’ll be the best island. A tropical paradise for orangutans, folks. Nobody will be able to top it. It’s gonna be big. We’re gonna have the best orangutans in the best environment. The best."

(The crowd erupts into applause, still unsure why.)

Trump: "And let’s not forget the wall. We’ll build a wall around the orangutans' private island to keep out the bad animals. Nobody gets in. I’m talking about a beautiful wall. Big, shiny, orangutan-approved. Everybody says it’s going to be the best wall for orangutans. I’m the best at walls. And orangutans? They love me."


Scene: An orangutan is at a rally in a lush, tropical location, standing in front of a large banner that reads, “Make Orangutans Great Again.” The crowd is confused, but they cheer anyway.

Orangutan: (with a proud grin) "Folks, let me tell you, nobody knows orangutans like me. I’ve studied them, I’ve been to the best zoos, the best forests. And let me tell you, we’re gonna make orangutans great again. Huge. The best orangutans. Believe me."

(The crowd looks at each other, still unsure, but they cheer.)

Orangutan: "You’ve seen it, haven’t you? The terrible state of orangutans today. They’re not what they used to be. When I was a kid, orangutans were top-tier. They were climbing trees like nobody’s business, swinging around like champions. Now? We’ve got orangutans who can’t even swing without checking their phones. It’s sad. We're going to bring back the best orangutans, folks. The best swings, the best trees. The greatest!"

(The crowd nods, as if this makes perfect sense.)

Orangutan: "I’ve met with the orangutans. They’ve told me they want to be great again. They want the best bananas, the best branches, the best views. We’re gonna give it to them. Nobody gives orangutans better views than me. They’ll be up there in the best trees, looking down on everyone else—because that’s what they deserve. They’ll be on top."

(A supporter in the front row raises their hand.)

Supporter: "Uh, are you sure the orangutans actually…?"

Orangutan: (interrupting) "I know what they want, trust me. They want luxury. They want the best bamboo. I’ll get them the best bamboo. The best. It’ll be huge—taller than any tree you’ve ever seen, folks."

(The crowd cheers, even more confused.)

Orangutan: "And let’s talk about the environment, okay? Orangutans need their space. We’re gonna clear the way. No more deforestation. We’ll plant better trees, the best trees. Beautiful, huge trees. The best foliage. The orangutans will be thriving. You won’t believe it."

(A few people tentatively clap.)

Orangutan: "In fact, I’m thinking of giving the orangutans their own private island—no other animals. Just orangutans. It’ll be the best island. A tropical paradise for orangutans, folks. Nobody will be able to top it. It’s gonna be big. We’re gonna have the best orangutans in the best environment. The best."

(The crowd erupts into applause, still unsure why.)

Orangutan: "And let’s not forget the wall. We’ll build a wall around the orangutans' private island to keep out the bad animals. Nobody gets in. I’m talking about a beautiful wall. Big, shiny, orangutan-approved. Everybody says it’s going to be the best wall for orangutans. I’m the best at walls. And orangutans? They love me."

Thursday, 19 December 2024

"Trump Rally" By ChatGPT

Scene: Trump is giving a speech at a rally, surrounded by his supporters. The crowd is roaring with applause as he stands at the podium, holding up a stack of papers that he never actually looks at.

Trump: (grinning, speaking into the microphone) "Folks, let me tell you, I've done more in the last 10 minutes than anyone in history. Nobody's done more, I swear. The best. You won’t believe it. We’re gonna win so much that you’re gonna love losing. You’ll be begging for it, trust me."

(Crowd cheers wildly)

Trump: "I’ve read every book, every single one. I know the best authors. The best words, the best ideas. Nobody knows more words than me, folks. Believe me. Words? I have the best words."

(He pauses, looking for a response. No one questions this claim.)

Trump: "And the economy? We’re gonna have the biggest economy ever. Bigger than any other economy. You won’t even recognize it. It’s gonna be huge. I’m talking astronomical. Even the aliens will want to do business with us. That’s how good it’s gonna be."

(A supporter in the front row shouts, "What about healthcare?" Trump ignores the question.)

Trump: "And the wall? We’re gonna build the best wall, folks. You won’t even see it. It’s gonna be invisible, the best wall ever. Nobody builds invisible walls better than me. I’m a master at it."

(The crowd nods in agreement, thoroughly convinced.)

Trump: "Oh, and the climate? Don't get me started on the climate. It’s perfect. The best climate. We’re talking sunny days all year round. No more bad weather. Trust me, I’ve got it under control. Perfect weather."

(The crowd is on its feet, chanting, “Trump! Trump! Trump!”)

Wednesday, 18 December 2024

"Making Heaven Great Again" By ChatGPT

Scene: Jesus is delivering the Sermon on the Mount. The crowd is gathered, hanging on every word. Among them is Donald Trump, who has recently joined the disciples, eager to show how much he knows and how great he is at following Jesus’ teachings. However, his eagerness leads to constant misunderstandings.

Jesus: (calmly) "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Trump: (interrupting) "Yes! Absolutely! The best! I’ve always said, the poor are really underestimated, but I’m gonna make them great again. Believe me. The best poor people. Everybody says it."

Jesus: (gently) "It’s not about being rich or poor in material wealth, but about humility of spirit."

Trump: (nodding vigorously) "I get it! Humility! I’m the most humble person you’ll ever meet. Just ask anybody. I’m the humblest of all. But you know, I think we need to bring back some luxury for those poor folks, don’t you think? More gold. Big gold. It’s gonna be huge."

Jesus: (looking slightly puzzled) "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth."

Trump: (leaning forward, whispering to his disciple next to him) "Meek? You mean weak, right? I’ve never been weak. I’m a winner! Let me tell you, I’m the strongest person you’ll ever meet. Nobody has strength like me. But sure, let’s give the meek a little piece of the earth. They’ve earned it, I guess."

Jesus: (sighing, with a calm expression) "It’s not about strength or power. The meek are those who do not seek to dominate others, but instead live with gentleness."

Trump: (squinting, confused) "Live with... gentleness? I’ve been living with the best gentleness. People say it all the time. My gentleness is tremendous. But, I’ll be honest with you, I’m also a fighter. We need to fight for the best deals. We’re gonna fight for the earth—the best earth!"

Jesus: (shaking his head) "You’ve heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.' But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also."

Trump: (eyes wide with excitement) "I love that! That’s what I’ve been saying! Fight fire with fire! It’s gonna be huge! We’re gonna get the best revenge—the best payback! I’m great at payback, folks. No one does it better than me. You hit me, I’ll hit you back ten times harder. The best payback, believe me."

Jesus: (looking at him with a mixture of surprise and concern) "No, no. It’s not about revenge. It’s about forgiveness and peace."

Trump: (shrugging) "Peace, sure, but only if it’s winning peace. We’ll make peace with the best deals, folks. People will say, ‘Wow, what a peace deal!’"

Jesus: (sighing, attempting to clarify) "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you."

Trump: (grinning) "I love that one! I’ve been doing that for years. I’ve got the best love for my enemies. You won’t believe how much I love them. They just don’t understand. But I’m a great lover of enemies. The best."

Jesus: (starting to look exasperated) "It’s not about showing love in order to win. It’s about showing love because that is what is right."

Trump: (nodding eagerly) "Right, right. But let me tell you, I win by loving my enemies. They love me too, believe me. People love me more than anyone. I have the best relationship with my enemies. Nobody has a better relationship than me."

Jesus: (turning to the crowd) "But I tell you, do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal."

Trump: (interrupting) "Wait, wait. Hold on. You’re telling me not to have gold? Not to have the best buildings? I’ve got the best real estate, folks. Believe me. We need to build more luxurious towers. We’ll make heaven great again, with tremendous towers."

Jesus: (exasperated) "It’s not about storing treasures, Donald! It’s about treasure in heaven, where things are eternal, not about material wealth!"

Trump: (looking confused) "So you’re saying I can’t have golden towers in heaven? I mean, come on. You need the best towers up there. Believe me, everybody says I’ve got the best buildings!"

Jesus: (rubbing his temples) "It’s about your heart, Donald. Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Trump: (smiling, as if he’s cracked the code) "Got it! So my heart is all about winning. And guess what? I win every time. That’s where my treasure is, right? I’m winning all the time. I’m the best at winning. Huge treasure!"