Scene: PFJ Headquarters
The PFJ is arguing over who should handle the graffiti when an unmistakable voice interrupts.
TRUMP: (bursting in) I’ll do it. Okay? Nobody’s better at writing messages, believe me. Tremendous messages. They say, “Wow, Donald, how do you do it?” And I say, “It’s natural talent.”
REG: (stunned) Who are you?
TRUMP: (grinning) The greatest revolutionary you’ve ever seen. Some people call me a stable genius. Others call me… the chosen one.
STAN: (whispering) Who let him in?
JUDITH: (hissing) I thought he was with the Romans!
TRUMP: Fake news. I’m with you now. Let’s Make Jerusalem Great Again.
Scene: The First Wall
Trump approaches the wall, gold-tipped paintbrush in hand. The PFJ watches from a safe distance.
TRUMP: (to himself) Romanes eunt domus? What a terrible phrase. Who came up with this? Disgusting. We’re going to do something much better, folks. You’re gonna love it.
He begins painting with flair. After a few minutes, he steps back to reveal:
"TRUMP TOWER JERUSALEM – COMING SOON!"
REG: (gasping) What the bloody hell is that?!
TRUMP: (beaming) Branding. You need branding in a rebellion. That’s how you win. Look at this—gold letters. The Romans will be so jealous.
Scene: The PFJ Intervenes
BRIAN: (panicking) No, no, no! It’s supposed to say Romanes eunt domus!
TRUMP: (scoffing) Why? It’s negative. I don’t do negative. My messages are winners. Winners win. Romans don’t go home—they invest in luxury real estate.
REG: (furious) This isn’t a bloody marketing campaign! It’s rebellion!
TRUMP: (unfazed) Rebellion? I love rebellion. Huge fan. The best rebellions always have my name on them. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to paint a wall over there that says, Vote Trump, Supreme Leader of the Free Province of Judea.
Scene: Chaos in the Streets
By morning, Jerusalem’s walls are covered in Trump’s “messages,” including:
- Romans are losers. Trump is a winner.
- Make Judea Great Again.
- The Romans are rigging the chariot races. Sad!
The Romans, baffled by the bizarre slogans, begin holding emergency strategy meetings to discuss who this “Trump” is and why he’s undermining their propaganda efforts.
Scene: PFJ Headquarters
The PFJ reconvenes to assess the situation.
REG: (reading a Roman report) “Morale among the legions is at an all-time low due to mysterious graffiti accusing them of being losers.”
STAN: (smiling) I think he’s accidentally helping us.
JUDITH: (nodding) The centurions are so busy scrubbing off his name, they’ve stopped patrolling entirely.
BRIAN: (exasperated) But it’s not what we planned! The rebellion isn’t about him!
TRUMP: (striding in) Wrong. It’s always about me. You’re welcome.
He hands out red hats emblazoned with the slogan: Make Romans Go Home Again.
