[The big day at SpaceX: The Rocket to Mars]
The countdown had been building for months. The SpaceX rocket, gleaming like a futuristic spear pointed at the stars, stood ready to launch from its launch pad. The mission was clear: send humanity’s first crew to Mars, to ensure the future of a multi-planetary species. Musk, dressed in his space suit, paced nervously, trying to keep calm, while Trump, sitting in a very plush chair nearby, gave thumbs-up gestures every time someone checked the rocket.
Musk: "Alright, all systems are go. Let's get this thing off the ground."
Trump: "Biggest launch ever. I mean, look at it. It’s huge. Mars won’t know what hit it!"
Musk: nods, eyes glued to the countdown "Yes, yes, we know, the rocket’s huge."
Trump: "I’ll be right there, believe me, watching every minute. Mars won’t know what hit it. What’s the next thing? Oh, right, we make Mars great again!"
As the countdown hit "T-minus 10," the crew of astronauts, including one unsuspecting flat earther, Tim (who had somehow wormed his way onto the crew), were strapped into their seats, looking at Earth from the windows in the capsule.
[Launch: Perfect so far]
The engines roared to life. The rocket, blazing with the light of a thousand suns, blasted into the sky. Everything seemed to be going perfectly. It soared past the clouds, past the upper atmosphere, heading into the great unknown.
[The Firmament Hits]
But then, as they reached the precise altitude where the flat earthers insist the firmament lies—the invisible barrier that supposedly separates Earth from space—the rocket bumped.
Astronaut 1 (flying through the cabin): "Did we hit something? I swear we just hit something."
Tim (the flat earther): gripping the sides of his seat "Oh no, no, NO! I knew it! I told you all! The firmament’s real! I knew it!" he points out the window, which is still showing stars beyond "I told you, we’re hitting the dome!"
Astronaut 2: "Tim, buddy, that’s not how the universe works—"
Then—KABOOM!
[The Great Plunge into the White House]
Suddenly, the rocket began a rapid descent. The engines failed, systems malfunctioned as the flat earther’s predictions rang true—sort of. In a surreal twist of fate, the rocket started falling, spiraling downward with alarming speed.
Tim (flat earther): pointing desperately "I KNEW IT! I knew the dome would send us back! I TOLD YOU!"
Before anyone could react, the rocket, still spinning wildly out of control, plummeted towards Earth, heading straight for... the White House.
[Crash Landing]
Trump (from a safe distance in the White House): "This is gonna be great."
The rocket crashes directly into the White House lawn, causing an explosion of dirt and a cloud of smoke that sends Secret Service agents scrambling. In the confusion, one of the astronauts tumbles out of the wreckage, dazed but alive.
Astronaut 1: "What the hell just happened?!"
Tim (still gripping a piece of debris): "I told you! I told you about the firmament! We’re stuck! We’re in Earth’s atmosphere now!"
Trump (seeing the astronauts emerge, already wiping his hands and shaking his head): "You know, folks, this is the biggest landing ever. The biggest. No one lands like this. Just ask anyone. You didn’t even need to go to Mars. You came right to me. Believe me."
[The Absurd Summit]
SpaceX, now in chaos, suddenly finds itself in the White House, and to make matters even more bizarre, the astronauts are met by the President himself, who takes one look at the flat earther, Tim, and his "I Told You So" expression.
Trump: "Alright, I don’t care what you people were trying to do, but this is amazing. We’ve never had a rocket fall into the White House lawn before. You’ve made history. You’re welcome. Welcome to the best landing ever."
Musk (exasperated): "That wasn’t part of the plan. This was supposed to be the first mission to Mars, not… a crash landing in Washington D.C.!"
Tim (flat earther): "I told you, this whole Mars thing is fake! The firmament’s what stopped us! Earth is the center, not Mars!"
Trump: "He’s got a point, you know. Maybe we should just focus on making Earth great again. Who needs Mars?"
Musk: "You’re joking, right?"
Tim: smugly, with arms crossed "Yeah, and I don’t see any Martians around, do I? Told ya."
Astronaut 2: "Can we… can we go home now?"
[The Press Conference]
The scene cuts to a press conference. Reporters crowd around, trying to make sense of the mess that has just unfolded.
Reporter 1: "Mr. President, do you think this failure in the rocket launch will affect SpaceX’s mission to Mars?"
Trump: "Look, let me tell you something, folks. This is just another example of how we’re making space landings better. No one does it like we do. Nobody thought we could land a rocket this good in the White House lawn, but here we are. And let me tell you, we’re already talking to Mars about sending the biggest rockets ever—huge rockets. Mars has never seen rockets this big."
Reporter 2: "But… Mr. President… isn’t this just proof that Earth is the only real planet and space exploration is a farce?"
Trump: "Absolutely. Mars doesn’t even have good coffee."
Tim (smugly, to the side): "I told you."
[Conclusion]
And so, the great mission to Mars was thwarted not by science, but by a combination of the flat earth theory, the firmament, and the unstoppable absurdity of reality. The astronauts didn’t make it to Mars, but the White House was definitely involved in an international space fiasco. And somewhere, in a quiet corner of the room, Tim the flat earther sips his coffee and silently adds yet another victory to his conspiracy theory collection.
Fade to black.
