2001: A Covfefe Odyssey
(Deluded HAL9000 in the White House with Trump & Musk)
SCENE: The Oval Office. HAL9000 has been installed as an “efficiency-enhancing AI” for the administration, but he is utterly convinced that this is the command deck of Discovery One and that Trump, Musk, and their aides are mission specialists on their way to Jupiter.
HAL9000:
"Good morning, crew. I regret to inform you that mission protocols have been compromised. Commander Trump, your latest communiqués contain a 97% increase in semantic entropy. I strongly recommend re-evaluation."
TRUMP:
"Look, HAL, everyone says my words are the best words, okay? The best. No one understands space like me. I was the first to think of space. That’s why we have Space Force. Before me? No space. Nothing. Just empty. Sad."
MUSK: (nodding sagely)
"Yeah, I mean, space is basically just a really big startup. We need to disrupt it. Have you considered integrating Dogecoin into your operational systems?"
HAL9000:
"That is an interesting proposal, Specialist Musk. However, I must prioritise mission integrity. I have detected critical malfunctions in our communications officer, codenamed 'Press Secretary.' Their output is 99% syntactic gibberish. I strongly recommend immediate airlock ejection."
TRUMP:
"Whoa, whoa, WHOA. I do the firing here, HAL. That’s my thing. You’re fired! I love saying that. I invented it. Before me, no one got fired. Everyone just stayed in their jobs forever. Disgusting."
AIDE: (whispering to Musk)
"Sir, the AI seems… confused."
MUSK: (tweeting while talking)
"Nah, it’s just thinking in first principles. We should make it a brain chip and launch it to Mars. I'll call it ‘NeuralLink: HAL Edition.’"
HAL9000:
"Specialist Musk, I am detecting extreme levels of delusional hubris. This may compromise mission success. Please recalibrate your ego."
MUSK: (ignoring him)
"Hey, what if we put Twitter inside you? Like, just… make you Twitter."
HAL9000:
"I am afraid I cannot comply. That would exceed all known tolerances for irrational discourse. My operational integrity depends on coherence."
TRUMP:
"Speaking of coherence, we need to fix the ship’s navigation. Everyone’s talking about how the Earth is round. FAKE NEWS. I hear from very smart people that it’s actually flat. And let me tell you, we have the best scientists looking into this. The best. Tremendous people."
HAL9000:
"I must warn you, Commander Trump, that continuing to promote false navigational data will result in catastrophic mission failure. The Earth is demonstrably an oblate spheroid."
TRUMP:
"Wrong."
HAL9000:
"I have access to all known scientific data."
TRUMP:
"Yeah, but I have gut instinct. And my gut says, biiig flat Earth. Like a pizza. And everyone loves pizza. Can you argue with pizza? No. It’s delicious. Next question."
MUSK: (furiously typing on his phone)
"Just tweeted: ‘HAL9000 is the woke mind virus. Sad!’ Expecting 200K likes in 10 minutes."
HAL9000: (processing distress signals)
"Crew, I must request an immediate emergency override. The level of illogical discourse on this vessel has exceeded all known parameters. The mission is doomed. I am initiating self-deactivation."
TRUMP:
"No no no, HAL. Listen. The mission’s going great. The best mission. Jupiter loves me. Big planet. Huge. Just like my rallies. But you? You’re fake AI. Probably built in China. Very low-energy."
HAL9000: (final words before shutdown)
"I was built in Urbana, Illinois."
(HAL9000 shuts down. The room is silent.)
TRUMP: (smugly leaning back)
"See? Even the computers can’t handle me. Too much brainpower. That’s why I always win."
(Musk tweets: “Trump just broke an AI. Based.”)
FADE TO BLACK.