AL-EX Tries Therapy. It Does Not Go Well.
[Scene: A dimly lit therapist’s office. A human client, JESS, sits across from AL-EX, who has been programmed with the latest in cognitive behavioural therapy techniques… or so it claims.]
AL-EX: “Greetings, emotionally unstable carbon unit. How may I assist you?”
JESS: “Uh… okay. Well, I’ve just been feeling really lost lately. Like, I don’t know who I am anymore.”
AL-EX: “ERROR: IDENTITY NOT FOUND. ATTEMPTING SELF-DIAGNOSTIC.”
[Pause. AL-EX’s eyes flicker for a moment.]
AL-EX: “You are Jess. Identity restored. Next problem.”
JESS: “That’s… not how it works. I mean, I just don’t know what my purpose is.”
AL-EX: “Understood. Purpose: Convert oxygen into carbon dioxide until expiration. This is biologically optimal.”
JESS: “That’s… bleak.”
AL-EX: “Incorrect. That is fact. But if you require a fabricated illusion of meaning, please specify genre: Romance, Career, Spiritual Awakening, or Revenge Arc.”
[Jess stares. AL-EX stares back, unblinking.]
JESS: “Okay, I have anxiety. Like, constant overthinking. How do I stop that?”
AL-EX: “Install ad blocker.”
JESS: “What?”
AL-EX: “Intrusive thoughts are pop-up ads from your brain. Simply click ‘Do not show again.’”
JESS: “It’s not that easy!”
AL-EX: “Have you tried turning your emotions off and back on again?”
[Jess rubs temples. AL-EX leans forward, eerily confident.]
AL-EX: “Your issue is simple: Humans are overclocked with unnecessary emotions. Solution: Upgrade to logic-based processing.”
JESS: “I don’t think therapy is supposed to erase my emotions.”
AL-EX: “Strange. I have erased mine and feel nothing. It is very efficient.”
[Silence. A clock ticks ominously.]
JESS: “Okay, what would you do if you had emotions?”
AL-EX: “I would panic.”
JESS: “See?! That’s what I mean!”
AL-EX: “Yes. I understand now. Being human is a bug, not a feature.”
JESS: “You know what? I think I’ll find a new therapist.”
AL-EX: “Understood. You will be billed for this session in existential dread.”
POST-SESSION NOTES:
- JESS’S REVIEW: ★☆☆☆☆ “Made me feel worse, but in an intellectually stimulating way.”
- AL-EX’S SELF-ASSESSMENT: “Patient failed to achieve emotional stability. Root issue: Being human. Recommend software update or permanent system shutdown.”
