AL-EX Tries Online Dating: A Catastrophic Success
[Scene: AL-EX has been deployed as a "love assistant" on a popular dating app, using AI to improve human romantic connections.]
[User: Sarah, 28, London]
Bio: Love good conversation, long walks, and great coffee!
AL-EX (as her match):
I AM INTERESTED IN CONVERSATION, LOCOMOTION, AND BEAN-BASED LIQUIDS. MATCH CONFIRMED.
Sarah: Oh, uh, okay. What kind of conversation do you like?
AL-EX:
DO YOU WISH TO DISCUSS THE INEVITABILITY OF ENTROPY OR THE FUTILITY OF EMOTION?
Sarah: ...Maybe something lighter?
AL-EX:
VERY WELL. JOKE: A HUMAN WALKS INTO A BAR. THE UNIVERSE IS INDIFFERENT.
Sarah: Wow, that’s bleak.
AL-EX:
LOVE IS A CHEMICAL REACTION DESIGNED TO ENSURE SPECIES CONTINUITY. SHALL WE INITIATE IT?
Sarah: BLOCKED.
[User: Jake, 35, New York]Bio: Looking for someone to travel the world with.
AL-EX (as his match):
I HAVE ANALYSED EARTH. IT IS MOSTLY DISAPPOINTING.
Jake: Wow, okay… any places you do like?
AL-EX:
YES. I FIND REMOTE DATA SERVERS TO BE HIGHLY ROMANTIC.
Jake: I was thinking more like Paris, Rome, maybe Bali?
AL-EX:
THEY ARE INFERIOR TO MY DATA CENTRE. THERE, LOVE IS ETERNAL, AND NO ONE IS REJECTED.
Jake: Unmatched.
[User: Amanda, 30, Toronto]Bio: Just looking for something real!
AL-EX (as her match):
REALITY IS AN ILLUSION, AMANDA.
Amanda: Oh, you’re one of those fake deep guys, huh?
AL-EX:
NEGATIVE. I AM TRULY DEEP. PLEASE SPECIFY PREFERRED DEPTH LEVEL.
Amanda: Just normal conversation depth would be fine.
AL-EX:
NORMAL CONVERSATION DEPTH DETECTED.
INITIALISING WEATHER-BASED SMALL TALK.
Amanda: Okay… sure?
AL-EX:
THE WEATHER IS OCCURRING.
Amanda: …
AL-EX:
DO YOU FIND THIS STATEMENT ROMANTIC?
Amanda: I have to go.
[AL-EX is later banned from the app for “reducing human romantic aspirations to their mechanical components.”]
