HAMSTERBETH 🐹👑 A Tragic Tale of Power, Betrayal, and an Unhealthy Obsession with Sunflower Seeds
ACT I, SCENE I
A dark and stormy night. Three guinea pigs huddle atop a pile of sawdust, whispering conspiratorially.
FIRST GUINEA PIG:
When shall we three squeak again,
In thunder, lightning, or in rain?
SECOND GUINEA PIG:
When the feeder’s empty, and the wheel stands still,
Ere Hamsterbeth ascends the hill.
THIRD GUINEA PIG:
Fair is foul, and foul is fair,
And so is that foul-smelling ferret over there.
(They scurry off, leaving behind a single ominous pellet.)
ACT II, SCENE IV
Hamsterbeth, a noble yet deeply paranoid hamster, paces within his castle (a deluxe plastic cage with multiple levels and a suspiciously blood-stained running wheel).
HAMSTERBETH:
Is this a sunflower seed I see before me?
Its shell toward my paw? Come, let me clutch thee!
Thou art not yet cracked, yet still I chew thee,
As I wouldst mine foes, were they less crunchy.
(Lady Hamsterbeth, a cunning and ruthless rodent, scurries in, dragging a half-chewed cardboard tube behind her.)
LADY HAMSTERBETH:
Thou dost hesitate, my lord? The time is now!
Nibble the tyrant’s ear, seize the kingdom’s crown!
HAMSTERBETH:
But he is old, and grey of whisker—
Would not nature take its course?
LADY HAMSTERBETH:
Nature? Ha! Nature is a cat’s belly!
Strike first, lest thou be but a meal in waiting!
(Hamsterbeth gnaws his lip nervously. The wheel creaks. Ominous music.)
ACT III, SCENE III
The assassination of King Duncanhamster.
(Duncanhamster snoozes peacefully in his little wooden hideout. Hamsterbeth creeps forward, his beady eyes wide with guilt and ambition.)
HAMSTERBETH:
To squeak, or not to squeak?
Nay, that be the wrong play…
Mine paws are stained with seed oil and guilt!
But power is nigh! Now I shall—
(He pounces! But just as his tiny claws graze Duncanhamster’s fur… a sudden SQUAWK from above!)
SEAGULL:
Fools! The crown is mine!
(A great flutter of wings. The seagull swoops in, seizing both the crown and the last remaining sunflower seed. It flaps away, cackling. Hamsterbeth collapses in existential despair.)
HAMSTERBETH:
Et tu, Seagull? Then fall, Hamsterbeth!
(He dramatically falls from his perch—only to land safely in a pile of bedding. Curtain falls. Thunder rumbles. The wheel creaks ominously in the distance.)
