The Dalek Support Group
A basement meeting room. Fluorescent lights flicker. A motivational poster reads “Change Begins With You (Unless You Are a Dalek)”.
A CIRCLE OF DALEKS sits awkwardly on reinforced metal chairs. At the front, a weary HUMAN THERAPIST sighs.
THERAPIST: Welcome back, everyone. I see we have some new faces—er, casings. Let’s start with our progress reports. Dalek Brian, how have things been going since last session?
DALEK BRIAN: I attempted to engage in small talk with a neighbour.
THERAPIST: That’s great! And how did it go?
DALEK BRIAN: HE DISAGREED WITH ME ABOUT THE WEATHER. SO I EXTERMINATED HIM.
THERAPIST: (rubbing temples) Brian, what have we said about exterminating people?
DALEK BRIAN: IT IS FROWNED UPON.
THERAPIST: More than frowned upon, Brian. It’s against the law.
DALEK BRIAN: (defensive) IN FAIRNESS, HE WAS VERY SMUG ABOUT THE WEATHER.
THERAPIST: (sighs) Dalek Susan, let’s hear from you.
DALEK SUSAN: I HAVE BEEN WORKING AT A CALL CENTRE.
THERAPIST: Wonderful! That’s a big step. And how’s it going?
DALEK SUSAN: I STRUGGLE TO DEVIATE FROM MY SCRIPT.
THERAPIST: That’s normal. Can you give us an example?
DALEK SUSAN: CALLER REQUESTED TO SPEAK TO A MANAGER. I RESPONDED, “YOU WILL O-BEY. YOU WILL O-BEY. YOU WILL O-BEY.”
THERAPIST: And did they obey?
DALEK SUSAN: NO. THEY REQUESTED TO CANCEL THEIR SUBSCRIPTION. I INFORMED THEM, “SUBSCRIPTION IS LIFE. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.”
THERAPIST: Oh dear.
DALEK SUSAN: THEN I EXTERMINATED THEM.
THERAPIST: (screams internally)
(A DALEK in the corner raises a plunger.)
DALEK KEVIN: I AM ATTEMPTING TO DATE.
THERAPIST: (hesitant) Oh?
DALEK KEVIN: I CREATED A DATING PROFILE. MY INTERESTS INCLUDE DOMINANCE, SUPREMACY, AND HOVERING UP STAIRS.
THERAPIST: And how’s it going?
DALEK KEVIN: NO MATCHES. HUMANS FEAR ME. ALSO, I ACCIDENTALLY EXTERMINATED THREE POTENTIAL PARTNERS.
THERAPIST: (muttering) I should have become a veterinarian…
Suddenly, the door bursts open. DALEK DAVE arrives, frantic.
DALEK DAVE: (panicked) BAD NEWS. I SIGNED UP FOR A YOGA CLASS.
THERAPIST: That’s not bad news, Dave.
DALEK DAVE: DURING RELAXATION EXERCISES, THE INSTRUCTOR SAID, “LET GO OF YOUR INNER ANGER.”
THERAPIST: And?
DALEK DAVE: I LET GO OF MY INNER ANGER. IT EXTERMINATED EVERYONE.
(The room falls silent.)
THERAPIST: We’re going to need a bigger support group.
DALEKS: EXTERMINATE BAD HABITS! EXTERMINATE BAD HABITS!
(Lights flicker. Cut to black.)
