Title: Flat Earth Ark: The Ultimate Doomsday Plan (Gone Wrong)
FADE IN:
EXT. FLAT EARTH COMPOUND – DAY
A dusty, barren stretch of land. A MASSIVE ARK under construction—though it looks more like a ramshackle cruise ship made entirely of plywood and blind faith.
ELDER ZEKE, leader of the Flat Earth Fundamentalists, stands on a crate, arms raised, sermonising to his FOLLOWERS, a mix of the devout, the confused, and those who just like building big things.
ELDER ZEKE Brothers and sisters, the LORD has spoken! The flood is coming again, and we shall build an ARK to survive His righteous cleansing!
The crowd murmurs approvingly. In the distance, a SINGLE BLACK CLOUD drifts ominously.
CUT TO:
EXT. CONSTRUCTION SITE – DAY
JEBEDIAH, the chief engineer (a man with the mathematical skills of a goldfish), studies the blueprints—a childishly drawn rectangle labelled "Boat?" He scratches his beard.
JEBEDIAH So, uh, how big does it gotta be to hold every animal on Earth again?
ELDER ZEKE Exactly three cubits by two furlongs—just like Noah’s!
JEBEDIAH And that’s enough for two of every creature?
ELDER ZEKE Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways. Maybe He’ll shrink ‘em a little?
CUT TO:
EXT. ARK INTERIOR – DAY
Chaos. PENGUINS waddle past a sweating, confused FARMHAND. A pair of LIONS are glaring hungrily at two UNIMPRESSED GOATS. A KANGAROO is kicking a raccoon out of its pouch.
CUT TO:
EXT. FLAT EARTH COMPOUND – NIGHT
A group of DISCIPLES are arguing over a GLOBE one of them found.
DISCIPLE #1 Now, hold on—if the Earth is flat, where’s all the water supposed to go?
DISCIPLE #2 Don’t be ridiculous! It just falls off the edges, into the Abyss where the demons swim!
DISCIPLE #3 Then why build the ark at all? Wouldn’t the water just drain away?
The crowd goes silent.
ELDER ZEKE (quickly) The LORD will provide a solution! Now, has anyone seen the unicorns we were promised?
CUT TO:
EXT. ARK – STORMY NIGHT
Lightning CRACKS. The ark, still half-finished, tilts dangerously on its side. A SEAGULL lands on Elder Zeke’s shoulder.
SEAGULL (whispers) Listen. The Flood isn’t coming. You’ve been played.
ELDER ZEKE (shocked) A talking seagull?!
SEAGULL Yeah, yeah. Turns out, God outsourced the apocalypse planning to an intern. She typo’d "Flood" instead of "Fudge." That black cloud? It’s just a celestial bakery fire.
CUT TO:
EXT. COMPOUND – MORNING
A massive, sticky downpour of MOLTEN CHOCOLATE engulfs the compound. The ARK begins to SINK into the delicious mess. The LIONS, suddenly realising their true purpose, begin devouring everything in sight. The UNICORNS, conveniently arriving late, look on in horror.
ELDER ZEKE (melting into chocolate) Lo! The Lord’s punishment is... strangely delicious!
JEBEDIAH (stuck in caramel) Well, at least we didn’t build it on a curve...
FADE TO BLACK.
A SINGLE SEAGULL flaps its wings and flies off into the infinite horizon, whispering:
SEAGULL Idiots...
FADE OUT.
