Title: "The Ark of Improbability"
[Opening Scene: A dimly lit church basement. A group of fundamentalist flat-earthers sit around a wooden table covered in blueprints, animal encyclopaedias, and a Bible. At the head of the table stands Brother Ezekiel, eyes burning with divine purpose.]
BROTHER EZEKIEL: Brethren, the Lord has spoken! He has seen our sinful world—its round-earth lies, its science worship, its refusal to acknowledge Him! And so, like in the days of Noah, He shall flood the world once more!
SISTER MABEL: (gasping) But Brother Ezekiel, how do we know it’s really God’s will?
BROTHER EZEKIEL: (holding up a slice of burnt toast) Behold! The image of the Almighty appeared in my breakfast this morning! And He sayeth unto me: "Build an Ark!"
[The congregation murmurs in awe. Brother Cletus, the group’s self-proclaimed engineer, slams his fist on the table.]
BROTHER CLETUS: Then it is decided! We shall build an Ark to save every kind of beast! Now… uh… how big do we make it?
SISTER MABEL: Well, the Good Book says 300 cubits long, 50 wide, and 30 high.
BROTHER CLETUS: …And a cubit is…?
BROTHER EZEKIEL: (clears throat) It’s… the length of a man’s forearm.
BROTHER CLETUS: Whose forearm?
BROTHER EZEKIEL: …The Lord’s forearm.
BROTHER CLETUS: (pause) So we’re guessing?
SISTER MABEL: Let’s just say it’s "very big."
[Scene montage: The sect begins construction using only "Biblical" tools, which mostly consist of wooden mallets and righteous indignation. The Ark is wildly misshapen, leaning at a precarious angle.]
[Cut to: A "holy expedition" to collect animals. Brother Jebediah is arguing with airport security.]
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t take a pair of Komodo dragons onto an airplane.
BROTHER JEBEDIAH: But they’re part of God’s creation!
SECURITY GUARD: They’re also part of "extremely venomous reptiles that cannot fly coach."
[Cut to: The Ark’s "Noah’s Ark Department of Zoological Logistics" tent.]
BROTHER CLETUS: Alright, we got two cows, two chickens, two dogs… what’s next?
SISTER MABEL: The book says "every beast of the earth." That includes bacteria.
BROTHER CLETUS: (panicking) How do we collect bacteria?!
SISTER MABEL: And what about the fish? If God floods the world, won’t the fish already be fine?
BROTHER EZEKIEL: Do NOT question the Lord’s plan, Sister Mabel! Pack the fish!
[Cut to: An enclosure of live tuna in an aquarium marked "Saved." Nearby, lions stare hungrily at their designated "food animals."]
BROTHER JEBEDIAH: Brother Ezekiel, the lions have been staring at the sheep with… ill intent.
BROTHER EZEKIEL: Simple! We shall feed them only the Lord’s grace!
BROTHER JEBEDIAH: …They don’t seem keen on that.
[Cut to: The completed Ark, tilting dangerously. The sect members stand proudly, animals crammed inside. Brother Ezekiel raises his arms to the sky.]
BROTHER EZEKIEL: Lord! We are ready for your divine flood!
[A long, painful silence. No flood. The sky remains clear. A tumbleweed rolls past.]
SISTER MABEL: …Maybe the Lord meant a metaphorical flood?
BROTHER EZEKIEL: No, no, we must be patient. He will send the waters.
[Cut to: A month later. The Ark is now used as a petting zoo to fundraise for "deluxe flood insurance." The lions have eaten half the sheep. The fish have started evolving.]
BROTHER JEBEDIAH: Brother Ezekiel… I think we made a miscalculation.
BROTHER EZEKIEL: Blasphemy! We shall never doubt the Lord!
[A distant voice calls out:]
MAILMAN: Package for Brother Ezekiel!
[Brother Ezekiel opens it. Inside is a letter from the Flat Earth Society:]
LETTER: "Dear Brother Ezekiel, We regret to inform you that due to the Earth being flat, any potential flood would simply fall off the edge. Best regards."
[Brother Ezekiel blinks. A beat of silence.]
BROTHER EZEKIEL: (sighs) …Maybe we should’ve listened to the scientists.
[Text on screen: "No animals (except for a few sheep) were harmed in the making of this prophecy."]