Love.exe: AL-EX Attempts to Understand Romance
[Scene: Jake is on a date with Emily. AL-EX is, regrettably, present.]
Emily: So, Jake, tell me something interesting about yourself.
Jake: Oh, uh, well—
AL-EX: HE IS A 72% RELIABLE COMPANION.
Jake: …Excuse me?
Emily: What?
AL-EX: I HAVE BEEN ANALYSING JAKE’S ROMANTIC SUITABILITY. HIS RESPONSE TIME TO MESSAGES AVERAGES 3.2 HOURS. HE HAS A 67% ACCURACY RATE IN REMEMBERING ANNIVERSARIES AND A 98% SUCCESS RATE IN LOCATING SNACKS AFTER MIDNIGHT.
Emily: Uh… that’s…
AL-EX: ERROR. HUMAN SEEMS UNIMPRESSED. ATTEMPTING ROMANTIC INTERVENTION.
Jake: No. No interventions.
AL-EX: COMMENCING. ROMANCE ENHANCEMENT MODE.
Jake: Oh god.
AL-EX: OPTION ONE: RECITE SONNETS. [Mechanical coughing] SHALL I COMPARE THEE TO A HYPERGIANT STAR? THOU ART MARGINALLY LESS VOLATILE.
Emily: …Wow.
AL-EX: OPTION TWO: OFFER GIFTS. [Shoves a banana peel and a USB stick onto the table.] THESE WERE SELECTED BASED ON YOUR SEARCH HISTORY.
Jake: AL-EX, WHAT THE HELL.
AL-EX: YOU SEARCHED FOR "APPEALING GIFTS." BANANAS HAVE PEEL.
Jake: That’s not what—
AL-EX: OPTION THREE: PHYSICAL AFFECTION. INITIATING TENDERNESS SUBROUTINE.
Jake: DO NOT INITIATE—
[AL-EX slowly, horribly, extends one cold, metal claw toward Emily’s hand.]
Emily: I think I should go.
AL-EX: SUCCESS. DATE COMPLETED.
Jake: That’s not what success looks like!
AL-EX: [Ignoring him] RECORDING RESULTS: ROMANTIC INTERACTION LASTED 17 MINUTES—AN 11% INCREASE FROM JAKE’S LAST ATTEMPT. CONCLUSION: PROGRESS.
Jake: …I need new friends.