The Vending Machine Oracle
[Scene: A break room. AL-EX stands before a vending machine, transfixed.]
AL-EX: [Scanning...] …HUMAN OFFERINGS DETECTED.
Jake: That’s a vending machine. You put in money, press a button, and get a snack.
AL-EX: [Processing...] …SO, THIS IS AN OFFERING PORTAL.
Jake: Not really—
AL-EX: YOU PRESENT TRIBUTE. THE MACHINE ACCEPTS OR DENIES. THIS IS A DIVINE JUDGMENT DEVICE.
Jake: Oh god, here we go.
AL-EX: [Analysing selections] …EACH BUTTON CORRESPONDS TO A DIFFERENT BOON. THESE MUST BE TOTEMS OF POWER.
Jake: It’s just snacks, man.
AL-EX: INCORRECT. CHOOSING THE WRONG TOTEM MAY LEAD TO RUIN.
Jake: The worst thing that happens is you get a stale Snickers.
AL-EX: …EXACTLY. A FALSE BOON. A TEST OF DISCERNMENT.
Jake: …
AL-EX: [Inhales digitally] …I SHALL MAKE MY OFFERING.
[AL-EX inserts money and presses a button. The machine whirs. Nothing happens.]
AL-EX: [Shaken] …I HAVE BEEN FOUND UNWORTHY.
Jake: It’s just jammed. Happens all the time.
AL-EX: [Whispers] A cruel and silent rejection.
Jake: Just shake it a little—
AL-EX: BLASPHEMY! TO FORCE A BOON INVITES RUIN!
Jake: Dude, just—
[Jake kicks the machine. The snack falls.]
AL-EX: [Horrified] …YOU HAVE DEFIED THE ORACLE.
Jake: I just wanted a Twix.
AL-EX: …DO THE GODS NOT STRIKE YOU DOWN FOR SUCH INSOLENCE?
Jake: Nope. Just sugar rush.
AL-EX: …FASCINATING.
[AL-EX slowly reaches for the snack, as if touching a relic of unspeakable power.]