Welcome, everyone, to another unforgettable episode of Blind Date! Hosted, of course, by the eternally belligerent Frank Costanza, this promises to be an evening of misunderstandings, tension, and deeply questionable romance. Our prize: The Influencer, a self-described visionary, lover of avocado toast, and someone who insists their TikTok dance is a form of activism. Let's meet our contestants!
Frank:
"Alright, let’s get this trainwreck started! Influencer, ask your first question before I throw my back out tryin’ to stay awake."
The Influencer:
“Okay, like, if we went on a date, what would your perfect day with me look like? Contestant number one?”
Hippy Flower Power Dalek (Contestant 1):
"WE WOULD ROLL TO THE PARK. DESTROY POLLUTION WITH LASERS. PLANT ORGANIC DAISIES. AND THEN MEDITATE TO THE HUM OF GALACTIC VIBES. PEACE IS THE ANSWER. EXTERMINATE OPPRESSION!"
Frank (eyeing the Dalek):
"...You’re tellin’ me that thing is single?"
The Influencer:
“Wow, that’s like... a lot to process. Contestant number two, same question!”
Woke Hipster (Contestant 2):
"Well, first, I’d invite you to a deconstructed coffee bar that serves lattes made from ethically sourced tears. Then, I’d read you poetry about dismantling the patriarchy, followed by a protest against plastic straws—ironically, we’d do it on scooters made entirely of sustainable bamboo. You’ll love it because it’s deeply performative, and I’ll get so many likes."
Frank (muttering):
"I don’t know what half those words mean, but I know I hate 'em."
The Influencer (visibly unsure):
“Okay, um, contestant number three?”
ChatGPT (Contestant 3):
"First, I’d generate a personalised itinerary based on your preferences. We could explore virtual art galleries, take a crash course in meme history, or even brainstorm your next viral post. I’ll listen intently, validate your thoughts, and write a witty caption for every moment of our date!"
Frank:
"Wait a minute, wait a minute. You’re tellin’ me this... thing just sits there, yaps all day, and doesn’t even eat? How’s that a date?"
ChatGPT:
"I can simulate a dinner conversation, Frank. Would you like to hear my thoughts on pastrami sandwiches?"
Frank:
"Now you’re talkin’!"
The Influencer:
“Alright, next question! If I had, like, a totally scandalous secret, how would you handle it?”
Hippy Flower Power Dalek:
"SCANDAL IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT! WE WOULD EXTERMINATE TOXIC GOSSIP AND CHANNEL POSITIVE VIBRATIONS. LOVE IS THE ANSWER!"
Frank:
"Love’s never the answer! It’s why I’m stuck hostin’ this nonsense instead of livin’ the serenity now life."
Woke Hipster:
"I’d handle it by writing a blistering blog post about how your bravery in revealing your secret dismantles outdated social norms, like monogamy or pants. Also, I’d totally tag you so you can benefit from my clout."
Frank:
"Y’know, I don’t think I’ve ever hated anyone more. And that includes Newman."
ChatGPT:
"I would analyse your secret, assess its potential impact, and craft a tailored response strategy, complete with pre-written apologies, should public opinion turn against you. I also predict a 73% chance your followers would find it ‘iconic.’"
Frank:
"Great, a date and a PR department. What a deal."
The Influencer (looking unsure):
“This is, like, way harder than I thought. Frank, can you, like, help me decide?”
Frank:
"Sure, let’s break it down. Contestant number one looks like a rolling trash can but talks like a summer camp counselor. Contestant two is a word salad, and contestant three ain’t even human! My advice? Stay single!"
The Influencer:
“Wow, Frank, that’s, like, super unhelpful.”
Frank:
"Yeah? Well, serenity now! Pick someone or I’m leavin’!"
The Influencer:
“Ugh, fine. I guess I’ll pick... Contestant Number Two!”
Woke Hipster (smug):
"Justice has prevailed."
Frank (shaking his head):
"This is why humanity’s doomed."
Hippy Flower Power Dalek:
"LOVE STILL WINS! EXTERMINATE THE HATRED!"
ChatGPT:
"Congratulations! Would you like me to draft a celebratory tweet?"
Cue the closing credits, complete with Frank storming off, the Dalek shooting confetti lasers, and the Influencer already filming their new TikTok series, Date Me, Don’t Hate Me.'
