INT. WORLD VIRTUE SIGNALLING CHAMPIONSHIP - GRAND FINAL
The stage is lit. A sense of moral superiority radiates from each contestant, as they prepare to outdo each other in the most ridiculous virtue signalling feats. The judges remain stoic, their pens ready to judge each absurd performance.
ANNOUNCER
“Welcome to the World Virtue Signalling Championship! Our contestants are here to show just how woke, just how righteous they can be. Let's see who can signal the most virtue... or, perhaps, the most absurdity! Let the games begin!”
ROUND ONE: THE WOKE HIPSTER’S “INTERSECTIONALITY ELEVATION”
The Woke Hipster steps forward with an aura of exaggerated superiority. They clutch a clipboard full of scribbled notes, as if preparing to revolutionise the world.
THE WOKE HIPSTER
“Okay, okay, gather ‘round, everyone. Intersectionality—you know, that complex web of overlapping oppressions. But wait—wait—what if I told you that oppression doesn't even begin where you think it does?! Look, I personally suffer from being both a cisgendered, non-binary vegetarian who once ate a vegan burger that might have been produced by heteronormative farmers! Can you imagine? The trauma!”
The audience looks completely lost, but the judges are writing feverishly.
THE INFLUENCER
“Uh… I think I get it. So, basically, being woke is, like, a privilege, but only if you haven’t posted a photo of your organic smoothie yet?”
THE WOKE HIPSTER
“Yes! Yes! Exactly! And it’s compounded by the privilege of privilege itself! Like, every time you don’t call yourself out, you create a new oppression. You’re all oppressors now!”
THE ECO-WARRIOR
“Uh… could you get to the part where I can plant a tree to undo all this?”
ROUND TWO: THE INFLUENCER’S “ACTUAL CHARITY EXPERIENCE”
The Influencer steps up with a dramatic flourish, standing like they’re about to unveil a groundbreaking invention.
THE INFLUENCER
“Okay, I’m here to show you how you can be really woke without, you know, actually doing anything difficult. Check this out. For every heartfelt post about the environment, I plant a tree in an app. Virtual trees, that is. You can’t kill ‘em. Not even the evil corporations can chop them down. It’s like being actually sustainable without leaving my home.”
The Woke Hipster snaps their fingers in approval. The Eco-Warrior sighs.
THE SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR
“Wait, wait, wait. You cannot call that sustainable! What about the virtual carbon footprint of your virtual trees? Are they appropriating real trees now? Are you stealing from Mother Nature’s digital ecosystem?!”
THE INFLUENCER
“Relax, babe. I’m also donating one virtual dollar to a cause every time someone comments with a heart emoji. That’s practically saving the world, right?”
ROUND THREE: DONALD TRUMP’S “MAKE AMERICA WOKE AGAIN”
Donald Trump walks up with a smug grin, wearing a jacket with “WOKE” written on the back in glittering gold letters.
DONALD TRUMP
“Okay, okay, listen up, everyone. I’m the most woke person you’ve ever met. Nobody knows woke better than me. You know, I created the world’s first completely eco-friendly gold-plated straw. It’s so good for the environment, folks, because it doesn’t just breathe—it exhales carbon. It’s science. I’ll solve climate change with this thing.”
He pulls out a gigantic, obnoxious gold-plated straw, holding it up triumphantly. The other contestants stare in stunned silence.
THE WOKE HIPSTER
“I don’t think you even understand the oppression of excessive consumption… of gold! That’s literally the antithesis of being woke.”
THE ECO-WARRIOR
“Gold-plated? Gold? That’s mined from the Earth! Do you even care about the minerals you’re exploiting?!”
DONALD TRUMP
“Actually, my gold is harvested from the most eco-friendly mines, okay? They’re so green, the trees grow on the gold. I have the best trees. Believe me.”
ROUND FOUR: THE ECO-WARRIOR’S “ZERO-WASTE PERFORMANCE ART”
The Eco-Warrior enters wearing a full outfit made entirely of recycled plastic bottles, and the air around them smells faintly of patchouli.
THE ECO-WARRIOR
“Here it is, folks. Zero-waste living. Real zero-waste. The only waste is the waste of time I see when people throw away their compostable plates instead of just eating them. I’ve even made a ‘plant-based’ sunscreen by smearing dirt on my face. And you know what? It’s going to save the bees.”
They start vigorously rubbing dirt into their skin, while the others look at them in complete horror.
THE WOKE HIPSTER
“I was doing plant-based beauty before it was trendy, darling. But I prefer to bathe in raw coconut water. That’s real sustainability.”
THE INFLUENCER
“You’re doing that wrong, babe. Let me get a shot of this for my IG. #SustainableArt, #EcoTrendsetter.”
ROUND FIVE: THE SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR’S “CANCEL CULTURE REVELATION”
The Social Justice Warrior steps forward, clutching a stack of cancel culture flashcards. Their eyes gleam with righteous fury.
THE SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR
“Here it is, folks, the truth you’ve all been avoiding: You’ve all wronged society. I’m going to need you to publicly denounce your personal wrongdoings from high school, because that’s when the real injustice happened. Anyone who hasn’t posted an apology for their middle school haircut is part of the problem.”
The others exchange glances, all visibly uncomfortable.
THE WOKE HIPSTER
“You can’t just cancel people like that. *You have to cancel them with cultural context!”
THE INFLUENCER
“I mean, I once wore a Band-Aid as a fashion statement—should I be cancelled for that? #SorryNotSorry”
FINAL SCORES:
ANNOUNCER
“And now, the results are in! In third place… The Influencer! They had the right hashtags, but not enough substance behind their virtue. In second place… The Social Justice Warrior! They were committed to canceling everything, but their public denouncements were, frankly, a bit much. And in first place… The Woke Hipster! They gave the most convoluted and performative argument for being woke, and frankly, it was just too much to handle. But hey, that’s what being woke is all about!”
THE WOKE HIPSTER
Strikes a ridiculous pose
“I’d like to thank my 3,000 followers on Twitter who didn’t unfollow me when I posted that entire thread about how I’ve never really been oppressed because of my privilege… and also because I’m now truly woke.”
