Gun Nut Nation – Where Every Problem is Solved with More Guns
Scene 1: The Birth of a Nation (and Several Gunshot Wounds)
The newly founded Gun Nut Nation celebrates its independence with the ceremonial firing of bullets into the air. This immediately results in thousands of casualties from falling projectiles, but they call it “patriotic rain.”
PRESIDENT BILLY JOE MCCLATTER: "Folks, we are finally free from tyranny! No more gun laws! No more restrictions! Just good ol’ fashioned FREEDOM!"
(Wild cheers as toddlers wave semi-automatics in the air. An old lady’s AR-15 accidentally goes off, shooting the confetti guy, but everyone just yells “SECOND AMENDMENT, BABY!” and moves on.)
Scene 2: The Public School System
Kindergarten class. Teacher Miss Patty wears a bulletproof vest over her floral dress. Every student has a sidearm holster and an itchy trigger finger.
MISS PATTY: "Okay, class, who can tell me what two plus two is?"
LITTLE TIMMY: (pulls out a revolver) "Whatever I SAY it is, lady!"
(Gunfire erupts as students argue over the answer. Miss Patty ducks under her desk and marks attendance by counting who's still alive.)
Scene 3: The Economy is Booming (Literally)
A local supermarket. Every item comes with a free handgun. “BUY ONE GET ONE BULLET” sales are rampant.
CASHIER: "Sir, do you want a receipt?"
CUSTOMER: (draws a Glock) "Are you callin’ me a TAXPAYER?!"
(Gunfight ensues. The cashier, who was already wearing three bulletproof vests, shrugs and starts reloading.)
Scene 4: Presidential Debate (or, The Last Debate Ever)
Two candidates stand at their podiums. Instead of speeches, they just stare at each other, hands hovering over their holsters.
MODERATOR: "Alright, gentlemen, let’s begin with—"
(BANG! The moderator is shot before finishing his sentence. The crowd cheers. The candidates shoot at each other until only one remains. He is immediately sworn in as the next president.)
NEW PRESIDENT (BLEEDING): "I love democracy."
Scene 5: The National Anthem
Every night at sunset, the citizens gather to salute the flag. Instead of singing, everyone just fires their guns into the air in unison. The casualties keep the hospitals full, which is fine, because doctors have been replaced with heavily armed veterinarians who just shoot people “to put them out of their misery.”
(The anthem ends. The nation stands in silence. Then, someone frowns at another guy’s hat.)
PATRIOT #1: "That hat ain't patriotic enough."
PATRIOT #2: "Says who?!"
(More gunfire. The cycle continues.)
END.
