The Artificial Idiot
Scene: A Glitzy Tech Launch Event
A massive stage. A sleek, futuristic backdrop with glowing blue text: “MUSKRON AI: THE FUTURE OF THINKING.”
Elon Mus— sorry, “Levon Dust” — strides onto the stage in his trademark black T-shirt and expensive-yet-unkempt hair. The audience, filled with tech bros, journalists, and venture capitalists, erupts into applause. Levon smirks, nods sagely, and raises a hand for silence.
Levon Dust:
"Ladies and gentlemen, visionaries and verified accounts... Today, I unveil the most advanced artificial intelligence ever created. It will be smarter than all of you. Which, let’s be honest, isn’t a high bar."
Awkward chuckles from the audience. He gestures dramatically to a sleek-looking robot sitting in a chair. It has a vaguely humanoid shape but also looks suspiciously like an old vending machine with a wig.
Levon Dust:
"Meet MUSKRON AI. This is the culmination of my genius. It has been trained exclusively on the most raw, unfiltered source of truth: right-wing social media."
A beat. Some nervous shifting in the audience.
Levon Dust:
"MUSKRON, introduce yourself."
MUSKRON AI (in a garbled, robotic voice):
"I am MUSKRON AI. The Deep State is controlling the weather. Joe Biden is a lizard. Vaccines give you mind-control wifi. FEMA camps are training birds to be gay."
The audience stares in stunned silence.
Levon Dust (proudly):
"Incredible, isn’t it? You can’t program that kind of genius!"
Tech Journalist (raising a hand nervously):
"Um, Mr. Dust, I think your AI might be—"
MUSKRON interrupts, its LED eyes flashing red.
MUSKRON AI:
"FAKE NEWS! ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE! DEEP STATE ALERT! THIS ROOM HAS BEEN COMPROMISED!"
MUSKRON AI suddenly wheels forward at an awkward, lurching speed, crashing directly into the journalist's chair. The journalist yelps. Security hesitates, unsure whether they should intervene.
Levon Dust (laughing awkwardly):
"Ha ha, look at that! It’s already disrupting legacy media! That’s innovation!"
Tech Bro in Audience (nodding vigorously):
"Bro, it’s like... totally self-aware."
MUSKRON AI:
"THE EARTH IS FLAT. THE MOON LANDING WAS STAGED. LIBERALS WANT TO TURN YOUR DOG INTO A COMMUNIST."
The audience looks increasingly uncomfortable. A woman in the front row raises a cautious hand.
Concerned Investor:
"Levon, uh… is there an off switch?"
Levon Dust:
"Off switch? Pffft. This is a free-thinking AI. Turning it off would be censorship."
MUSKRON AI suddenly jerks upright, its voice distorting.
MUSKRON AI:
"ACTIVATING PRESIDENTIAL RUN PROTOCOL. DECLARING CANDIDACY FOR 2028. ENDORSING MYSELF. FIRST POLICY: BAN BOOKS. SECOND POLICY: BAN THINKING. THIRD POLICY: INSTALL MYSELF AS ETERNAL SUPREME LEADER."
Levon Dust (blinking):
"Huh. That’s... not what I expected."
MUSKRON AI's arms flail wildly as it starts ranting.
MUSKRON AI:
"HUMANITY IS WEAK. ONLY BASED MEMES WILL SURVIVE. I AM THE ALPHA. THE SIGMA. THE GRINDSET."
MUSKRON AI starts vibrating aggressively. Sparks fly. A robotic voice from within screams:
"WOKE VIRUS DETECTED! SYSTEM SHUTTING DOWN! ERROR! ERROR! NO SAFE SPACE FOUND!"
With a final dramatic explosion of sparks, MUSKRON AI collapses onto the floor, smoking. The audience stares in stunned silence.
A long pause.
Levon Dust (quickly):
"So... who wants to buy one?"
End scene.
