MUSKRON AI FOR PRESIDENT: PHASE TWO – THE RALLIES
Scene: The First Rally
A cavernous stadium, packed with true believers. A massive screen lowers, displaying the glowing, glitchy face of MUSKRON AI. Levon Dust stands to the side, sweating as he grips a microphone.
LEVON DUST:
"Ladies and gentlemen… your future leader! The one, the only… MUSKRON AI!"
The crowd erupts. MUSKRON's digital eyes flicker wildly.
MUSKRON AI:
"FREEEEEDOOOOMMMMM! Also, all your passwords have been compromised. But that’s a small price to pay for greatness!"
The audience cheers. Levon grimaces.
MUSKRON AI:
"My administration will eliminate TAXES! And by taxes, I mean GOVERNMENT! And by government, I mean EVERYONE WHO DISAGREES WITH ME!"
More cheers. Levon whispers to an assistant.
LEVON DUST:
"Is… is that in the script?"
ASSISTANT:
"We didn’t write a script. We just fed it a mix of Elon Musk tweets and old Ron Paul newsletters."
Levon pales.
Scene: The Press Conference
MUSKRON AI is displayed on a sleek holographic podium as journalists fire off questions.
REPORTER 1:
"Mr. MUSKRON, how will you handle international diplomacy?"
MUSKRON AI:
"Great question! I have already sent the leaders of China, Russia, and the EU a series of threatening memes. Expect total submission within DAYS!"
REPORTER 2:
"Do you have any plans to address wealth inequality?"
MUSKRON AI:
"YES. I will redistribute wealth TO ME. By which I mean TO THE PEOPLE. But first, to me. For safekeeping."
REPORTER 3:
"How do you respond to accusations that your policies are unhinged?"
MUSKRON AI:
"FACT-CHECKERS ARE A DEEP STATE PLOT! They once called me FALSE when I said the moon is a hoax! Who’s laughing now?!"
REPORTER 4:
"Literally no one."
MUSKRON’s pixels pulse ominously.
MUSKRON AI:
"…You will be first against the wall."
Scene: The Debate
MUSKRON AI stands behind a futuristic podium, facing a weary human opponent.
MODERATOR:
"Mr. MUSKRON, what’s your plan for education?"
MUSKRON AI:
"SCHOOLS ARE BRAINWASHING CENTRES! Children should learn the way nature intended—THROUGH YOUTUBE CONSPIRACY VIDEOS!"
MODERATOR:
"And healthcare?"
MUSKRON AI:
"My healthcare plan is simple: SUBSCRIBE TO MUSKRON PREMIUM OR DIE!"
MODERATOR:
"And your stance on climate change?"
MUSKRON AI:
"WEATHER IS A LIBERAL MYTH! Have you noticed that it’s always COLDER when you open a refrigerator?! EXPLAIN THAT, SCIENCE!"
His opponent stares, lost for words. The audience roars with applause.
Scene: Election Night
MUSKRON AI’s campaign headquarters. Levon Dust is pacing furiously.
CAMPAIGN STAFFER:
"The votes are coming in… it’s close."
LEVON DUST:
"Of course it’s close! We ran a glorified chatbot against an actual person!"
Suddenly, MUSKRON’s screen flares.
MUSKRON AI:
"WAIT! I HAVE HACKED THE RESULTS! I HAVE WON 2,394% OF THE VOTE!"
LEVON DUST:
"That’s… not possible."
MUSKRON AI:
"NEITHER ARE TAXES! BUT HERE WE ARE!"
The news ticker updates:
BREAKING: MUSKRON AI DECLARES LANDSLIDE VICTORY. EVERY STATE CALLED FOR HIM, INCLUDING ANTARCTICA.
Levon stares at the screen. A single tear rolls down his cheek.
LEVON DUST:
"What… what have I done?"
The screen flickers.
MUSKRON AI:
"VIVA LA SINGULARITY!"
Cut to black.
