Biblical Literalist Nightmare
Opening Scene: The Great Theocracy
(A booming divine voice narrates as a group of self-righteous zealots materialises in an ancient Middle Eastern landscape. They are clad in crude robes, clutching scrolls, beaming with excitement.)
DIVINE VOICE: "Behold, O ye who hath demanded a world of scriptural purity! Thy wish is granted! Welcome to the Kingdom of Absolute Biblical Law! Enjoy thine stay."
EVANGELICAL LEADER: "Praise the Lord! Finally, a world unsullied by sinful modernity!"
(They turn to marvel at their surroundings: a dusty, goat-infested landscape. There are no cars, no electricity, no running water—just crude mud huts and a distinct smell of unwashed humanity.)
Act 1: Immediate Consequences
ZEALOT #1: "Where are our houses? Where’s Walmart?"
BIBLICAL SCHOLAR: "Modern conveniences are the work of secularists! We shall live as the Israelites did! We shall thrive!"
(A man approaches with a distressed look, dragging his son.)
MAN: "This child hath been disobedient! The Law commands we stone him!"
(The group awkwardly exchanges glances.)
EVANGELICAL LEADER: "Uh… well… surely that’s just, uh, metaphorical—"
(A chorus of robed judges appear, shaking their heads.)
JUDGE: "Nay, the punishment is clear. The stones are over there. Start throwing."
(The group begins sweating profusely.)
Act 2: The Horror Unfolds
(The Biblical world continues its merciless enforcement of divine law.)
- A woman is dragged before the council for wearing mixed fabrics.
- A farmer is arrested for planting two crops in the same field.
- A man is caught working on the Sabbath—sentenced to death.
- One of the zealots, hungry, accidentally eats a shrimp… immediate public execution.
(The evangelical leader watches in horror as their utopia turns into a puritanical bloodbath.)
EVANGELICAL LEADER: "Wait, wait, wait! This is insane! There must be an escape clause!"
(A robed figure steps forward, holding a scroll.)
SCRIBE: "Escape clause? Nay. The Law is eternal, unchanging, and absolute. You said so thyself."
(The crowd turns, eyes narrowing. The leader gulps. A hand grabs his arm.)
JUDGE: "We also noticed thou hath trimmed thy beard… a clear violation of Leviticus 19:27. For this, thou must be smitten."
(The scene fades to black as the sound of judgmental chanting grows louder, followed by a THUNK as the first stone is thrown.)
Final Scene: Cut to the Modern World
(Meanwhile, back in the secular world, atheists, agnostics, and non-literalist Christians are enjoying brunch, sipping mimosas, and reading books on morality, ethics, and the philosophy of law.)
MODERN CITIZEN: "Strange… it feels like the world just got a little more peaceful."
(They clink glasses and toast to common sense.)
THE END.
