Make Russia Great Again
Scene: A gleaming conference room in Mar-a-Lago, where Trump is surrounded by a group of sycophantic advisors, including Elon Musk, who is frantically typing on his phone. Trump leans over a large map of the world with an exaggerated frown, his finger tracing over Russia.
Trump:
(seriously)
“Alright, folks. We’ve been doing great things for America, but now it’s time to think bigger. Much bigger. I’m talking about Russia. You know, the country that has a lot of potential. It’s a huge place. Vast. And guess what? They’ve got resources, lots of resources. More than we have in America.”
Advisor 1:
(enthusiastically)
“Biggest country in the world, sir. Tremendous potential!”
Trump:
(grinning)
“Exactly! That’s why I’m announcing today: Make Russia Great Again. It's going to be huge. Huge for America, huge for Russia. Tremendous opportunity. People will be talking about it for years!”
Elon:
(faintly concerned but trying to keep up)
“Uh, sir... are we going to, like, help with their democracy? Or maybe give them some advice on human rights?”
Trump:
(waving him off)
“Elon, Elon. We don’t do that. That’s boring. What Russia needs is... branding. Just like we did with Trump Steaks. We need to rebrand Russia. The world’s been laughing at them, and I’m sick of it. We’re going to give them a whole new image. Trust me, Elon, you’re going to love this.”
Elon:
(squinting, trying to think of something productive to say)
“What kind of rebrand are we talking about?”
Trump:
(pulling out a gold-painted folder marked “RUSSIA: THE NEXT AMERICA”)
“Step one: Rename Moscow. Too dull. Too Russian. We’re going with Trumpoville. Big, bold, powerful. It’ll be the new capital of the world.”
Advisor 2:
(baffled)
“Trumpoville?”
Trump:
(nodding)
“Exactly. We’ll build the tallest building there—Trump Tower Russia—even taller than the one in New York. And instead of vodka, we’ll have Trump Vodka. Great vodka. The best. I know people. It’ll be a sensation.”
Elon:
(thinking deeply)
“Um... but sir, isn't vodka already a thing in Russia? It might be a little... redundant?”
Trump:
(squinting at Elon)
“Redundant? Not with Trump branding, it’s not. This vodka will be so good, people will forget what they even drank before. And we’ll make it exclusive—only available in Trumpoville.”
There’s a long silence as everyone tries to process the magnitude of what’s being proposed.
Trump:
(excited)
“And that’s just the beginning! We’ll bring back the Tsar! But not just any Tsar, folks. A Trump Tsar. I’ll pick the best one. Maybe we’ll have a competition to choose the next one. It’ll be like The Bachelor, but with more gold.”
Advisor 1:
(incredulous)
“Wait, so you want to bring back monarchy in Russia... with you as the Tsar?”
Trump:
(grinning)
“Exactly! Who else could do it? The people love me. They love me so much, they’ll beg for me to be Tsar. It’ll be the biggest coronation ceremony in history. Bigger than Charles’s, I promise you that.”
Elon looks around at the stunned silence, then slowly raises his hand, a bit like a student in a classroom. He’s clearly unsure of what to ask, but he feels he must.
Elon:
“Sir, just to clarify—are we helping Russia become great again in the traditional sense, or are we, you know, making it great by our standards? Because—”
Trump:
(interrupting)
“Elon, it’s simple. My standards are everybody’s standards. We’ll get their economy booming with a Trump Olympics—it’ll be in Siberia, and I’ll personally host it. People will fly in from all over the world just to watch me announce the winners. It’ll be huge.”
Advisor 3:
(skeptically)
“Uh, you want to hold the Olympics in Siberia? During the winter?”
Trump:
(nods with immense confidence)
“It’s going to be the best winter games. I’ve seen snow before. I know snow. I’ve got snow experience. Big snow.”
Elon mutters under his breath, eyeing Trump’s “Russia: The Next America” plan with a mix of disbelief and admiration.
Elon:
“Alright, sir, I think I understand now. You’re going to... rebrand Russia, make them more like America, but... without actually making them more like America. Got it.”
Trump:
(satisfied)
“Exactly, Elon. Exactly! And when it works, we’ll do the same thing with China. And then the world will be a Trump world.”
As Trump finishes, the screen behind him lights up with a flashy new logo: a golden eagle with a Trumpoville banner. The crowd gasps in awe.
Trump:
(pumping his fist)
“Make Russia Great Again! It’s going to be yuge!”
Elon quickly pretends to take notes, glancing nervously at the exit. Outside, a helicopter with a golden “T” logo can be seen circling above. The stage is set for Russia... and Trump.
