Donald Trump’s “Make Tax Evasion Great Again” Rally
Scene: A grand ballroom with golden chandeliers, banners reading “MTGA” (Make Tax Evasion Great Again) everywhere. A massive dollar sign hangs from the ceiling, rotating slowly. Trump steps onto the stage, flanked by accountants in red “MTGA” caps and calculators holstered like sidearms. The crowd chants, “Loopholes! Loopholes!”
Trump (grinning):
"Folks, let me tell you—nobody understands taxes like I do. Nobody. And you know what else? Nobody avoids taxes like I do. It’s an art, folks. It’s a beautiful art. But the radical tax-and-spend crowd, they want to make you think paying taxes is patriotic. It’s not! It’s a scam, folks, a total scam. So I say, it’s time to Make Tax Evasion Great Again!"
(The crowd explodes into cheers as Monopoly money rains from the ceiling. Someone holds up a sign that says, “IRS = Inept Revenue Stealers.”)
Trump:
"They say paying taxes builds roads, schools, hospitals—but have you seen the roads? Terrible. Full of potholes. And schools? They’re teaching our kids woke math. Woke! Hospitals? They’re just handing out lollipops and charging $800 for it. You know it, I know it, everybody knows it. So why give them your money? It’s your money, folks. Let them figure it out on their own!"
(A man in the audience yells, “Preach it!” while furiously shredding what looks like a W-2 form.)
Trump:
"Now, I’ve got a plan. It’s the best plan. Tremendous. Step one: we rename taxes. We call them ‘voluntary patriot contributions.’ Sounds better, right? And guess what? Nobody’s going to volunteer. Genius, right? You don’t have to pay if you don’t want to. Problem solved!"
(The crowd laughs and claps, several people waving their offshore bank statements like trophies.)
Trump:
"Step two: loopholes. Big loopholes. The kind you could drive a truck full of cash through. And guess what? If there aren’t enough loopholes, we’ll make more. Because I know loopholes, folks. I invented loopholes. In fact, they should call them Trump-holes. Beautiful Trump-holes."
(A graphic of a giant golden "Trump-hole" appears on the screen, with cash pouring through it into a Swiss bank account. The crowd roars with laughter.)
Trump:
"Step three: the IRS. We’re going to turn the IRS into a customer service hotline. You call them up, and instead of auditing you, they’ll thank you for calling. ‘Thank you for not paying your taxes, you’re making America rich again.’ That’s what they’ll say, folks. And no more audits, okay? Audits are for losers."
(The crowd chants, “No audits! No audits!” as a person dressed as Uncle Sam runs onto the stage with a giant eraser, rubbing out the words “Tax Bill” on a whiteboard.)
Trump:
"Step four: offshore accounts. We’re going to make them mandatory. That’s right, folks. If your money isn’t in the Caymans or Switzerland, what are you even doing? And don’t worry—we’ll call it ‘strategic patriot relocation.’ Sounds very legal, right? It’s going to be huge."
(The crowd cheers as a giant map of tax havens lights up behind Trump, each one flashing with dollar signs.)
Trump:
"And step five—this is the big one, folks—we’re going to abolish the idea of taxes altogether. Why should we pay anything? The government can print money, folks. I do it in my businesses all the time. Works like a charm!"
(The crowd erupts into a standing ovation. Someone tosses fake $100 bills into the air, shouting, “Print, baby, print!”)
Trump (raising a fist):
"So let’s come together, folks. Let’s evade like we’ve never evaded before. Let’s keep our money where it belongs—in our pockets. And together, we’ll Make Tax Evasion Great Again! Believe me, it’s going to be tremendous."
(The stage lights dim as a choir of accountants sings a rousing rendition of “Don’t Stop Believin’,” replacing the lyrics with “Don’t Stop Deceivin’.” Confetti shaped like dollar signs falls as Trump waves to the ecstatic crowd.)
End scene.
