Make Science Great Again
Scene: A lavish laboratory at Mar-a-Lago, now renamed “The Trump Institute of Tremendous Science.” The lab features marble countertops, gold-plated microscopes, and a massive portrait of Trump in a lab coat holding a beaker. A banner hangs overhead: “Make Science Great Again.” Trump, wearing safety goggles perched on his hair, addresses a group of scientists, all nervously clutching notepads.
Trump:
“Science, folks. Science is a disaster. Nobody respects it anymore. You’ve got these nerds—big nerds—saying things like, ‘climate change is real’ and ‘vaccines are good.’ Total losers! But I’m here to fix science, to make it great again. Because let’s face it, nobody knows more about science than me.”
The scientists exchange worried glances. Elon Musk stands nearby, furiously sketching something on a napkin labelled “Mega Tesla Ray.”
Trump:
“For too long, we’ve been doing boring science. Test tubes, equations, atoms. Boring! But under my administration, we’re going to do tremendous science. Big science. Exciting science. Like bringing dinosaurs back to life—Jurassic Trump! Imagine the ratings.”
Elon Musk:
(grinning)
“Mr President, I’m already working on genetically engineered dinosaur clones. They’ll have rocket boosters for mobility and, of course, your face on their scales.”
Trump:
(nodding)
“See? That’s the kind of innovative thinking we need. None of this ‘peer-reviewed’ nonsense. That’s fake news science. From now on, all experiments will be reviewed by me personally. Call it... Trump-reviewed.”
Scientist:
(timidly)
“But, Mr President, science requires rigorous methodology and—”
Trump:
(interrupting)
“Methodology? Overrated. I’ve got the best instincts. You give me a hypothesis, I’ll tell you if it’s good or bad just by looking at it. Like that gravity guy—Newton. Big mistake. Apples falling? Sad! We’re going to repeal gravity and replace it with something better. Elon, make a note.”
Elon Musk:
(scribbling)
“Anti-gravity boots, got it. Powered by Dogecoin.”
Trump:
“Now, let’s talk space. NASA has been a disaster. Tiny rockets going to the Moon? Pathetic. We’re building the Trump Galactic Cruiser—luxury space travel. Leather seats, gold trim, Trump steaks in orbit. And forget Mars—we’re going straight to the Sun. People say you can’t do it. Wrong! We’ll go at night. Easy.”
Scientist:
(under breath)
“That’s... not how it works...”
Trump:
(ignoring them)
“And medicine. Tremendous opportunities there. Forget curing diseases—that’s small potatoes. We’re going to make people taller, better looking, maybe even orange. Imagine: a nation of Trumps. The genes are there. I’m calling it Project Tremendous DNA.”
Elon Musk:
(excitedly)
“I can clone you, Mr President. An entire cabinet of mini-Trumps!”
Trump:
(waving his hand)
“Too small. Let’s make them giant Trumps. Like, twenty feet tall. Tremendous Trumps, walking the Earth, spreading greatness. Science hasn’t seen ambition like this since... ever.”
The scientists look increasingly horrified, but the crowd of supporters in “Lab Coats for Trump” gear erupts in applause.
Trump:
“Folks, science isn’t just for nerds anymore. It’s for winners. And under my leadership, we’ll discover things you can’t even imagine. Like invisible walls—beautiful, indestructible, and nobody can see them. We’ll use them everywhere. Science will be great again because it’ll be Trump Science. And remember: E equals Trump squared.”
The press conference ends with Trump smashing a champagne bottle over a golden microscope, while Elon unveils a prototype of the Trump Galactic Cruiser—a gold-plated yacht with rocket thrusters.
