Make Black Holes Great Again
Scene: A glitzy press conference at the newly rebranded "Trump Space Command Centre," adorned with golden telescopes, glittering constellations, and a neon banner reading “Make Black Holes Great Again.” Trump, wearing a bespoke spacesuit with a golden cape, steps up to a podium shaped like an event horizon.
Trump:
“Ladies and gentlemen, we’re here today to talk about a very important issue: black holes. You know, they’ve been misunderstood, mistreated, and frankly, neglected. Nobody’s paying attention to black holes anymore. But let me tell you, they’re tremendous. Absolutely tremendous. And I’m going to make them great again.”
The crowd, mostly confused astrophysicists and die-hard supporters in “Trump Galaxy 2025” hats, cheer hesitantly. Elon Musk stands by, holding a glowing model of a black hole labelled “Trump Vortex.”
Trump:
“Now, some people, the so-called experts, say black holes are dangerous, that they destroy everything. Wrong! I’ve done my research—great research, the best research—and I’ve discovered that black holes are incredible opportunities. Huge potential. Think about it: free real estate. Infinite storage. And it’s all just sitting there, unused!”
Elon Musk:
(excitedly)
“Mr President, with my SpaceX technology, we can tether black holes to Earth’s orbit and use them for clean energy. Black hole power! It’s revolutionary!”
Trump:
(nodding)
“Clean energy, folks. Very clean. The cleanest. And forget about wind turbines—they kill birds, they’re noisy, they’re terrible. But black holes? Silent, efficient, and let me tell you, they’ll swallow all the fake news media in a heartbeat. Poof—gone. Isn’t that great?”
The crowd cheers louder, some reporters nervously glance at the exit.
Journalist:
(cautiously)
“Mr President, isn’t there a risk of a black hole... uh... consuming the Earth?”
Trump:
(rolling his eyes)
“Consume the Earth? Ridiculous. We’re going to control the black holes. Total control. They’ll work for us, like a big cosmic vacuum cleaner. Suck up all the space junk, maybe a few Democrats. And if the Earth does get a little too close, we’ll just move it. Easy. Elon’s working on that, right, Elon?”
Elon Musk:
(nodding furiously)
“Absolutely! I’ve designed Earth thrusters powered by solar wind. We can reposition the planet anywhere in the solar system.”
Trump:
“See? Simple. And here’s the best part, folks: we’re turning black holes into tourist attractions. Imagine it: the Trump Galactic Observation Deck. You’ll be able to stare into the infinite void while enjoying the finest Trump steaks. Low gravity, high luxury!”
Scientist:
(raising a hand)
“But Mr President, black holes distort time. People might never come back.”
Trump:
(leaning into the mic)
“Exactly. It’s perfect. Who needs time, anyway? You step into a Trump Black Hole Experience, and you’re timeless. You come out, it’s 2040, and I’m still president because, let’s face it, nobody’s done a better job than me. Everyone wins!”
The crowd erupts in a mix of cheers and existential dread. Elon reveals a golden statue of Trump being sucked into a black hole, with the plaque reading “The Centre of Everything.”
Trump:
“Folks, black holes used to have a bad reputation. People were scared of them. But now? Now they’ll be great. Tremendous. You’ll look up at the night sky and say, ‘There’s our black hole, and it’s beautiful.’ Because it’s not just a black hole anymore—it’s a Trump Hole. And remember: the universe isn’t expanding. It’s just making room for me.”
The press conference ends with Trump signing an executive order declaring black holes “the 51st state,” while the crowd chants, “Suck it up! Suck it up!”
