Make Fundamentalism Great Again
Scene: A remote compound in the Appalachian mountains, rechristened "Trumpland Holy Haven." A massive billboard at the entrance reads: "Fundamentalism, but Make It Classy." Trump, dressed in a shimmering white suit with a gold tie, stands before a crowd of loyal followers, flanked by Elon Musk holding blueprints for a Fundamentalism App.
Trump:
“Folks, we’re here to do something incredible. Tremendous. We’re going to make fundamentalism great again! For too long, people have said, ‘Oh, fundamentalists, they’re too extreme, too rigid.’ You know what I say to that? Weak! Pathetic! Look at me—am I rigid? Absolutely! And it’s worked beautifully.”
The crowd cheers. Several wave placards reading "Literal Truth, Tremendous Truth!" and "Evolution is FAKE NEWS."
Trump:
“First of all, we’re banning science. All of it. It’s confusing, and people don’t like it. You know, they tell me the Earth is round—some people are saying flat. Who knows? The truth is, I’ve been on a lot of golf courses, and they all look flat to me. So, from now on, the Trump Doctrine is this: flat Earth, flat taxes, flat-out winning.”
Elon Musk:
(jumping in eagerly)
“Mr President, I’ve designed a faith-powered rocket that only works if everyone prays hard enough.”
Trump:
“That’s the kind of innovation we need! Faith-based technology. It’s like I always say: miracles are the original patents.”
The crowd applauds wildly as Trump gestures for silence.
Trump:
“Now, let’s talk about the rules, okay? Old fundamentalism—too harsh, too boring. Nobody wants to wear black all the time. We’re introducing Trumpdamentalism™. Same fire and brimstone, but with a little razzle-dazzle. Forget sackcloth—think sequins. And those doomsday prophecies? We’re spicing them up with celebrity cameos. Armageddon, brought to you by Kanye West!”
A murmur of approval ripples through the crowd. A televangelist in the front row faints from excitement.
Trump:
“And let’s make the Bible exciting again. I’m talking about The Trump Edition. Special gold-leaf pages, my face on the cover, and—wait for it—a pop-up Revelation chapter. You’ll open it up, and boom! The Beast appears, but he’s got a much better haircut than before. People will love it. Huge bestseller.”
Elon Musk:
“And we can link it to the Fundamentalism App! It’ll send daily notifications like, ‘Repent now for 10% off Trump Holy Water.’”
Trump:
(smiling)
“Brilliant. You know, Elon, some people say you’re smarter than me, but don’t get any ideas. God may have chosen me, but I’ll fire Him if He underperforms.”
Crowd:
(laughing nervously)
“MCGA! MCGA!”
Trump:
“Finally, I’m rolling out a new approach to evangelism. Door-to-door is old news. We’re going door-to-door by drone! Each drone drops off a Trumpdamentalism™ starter pack—hat, Bible, and a DVD of my greatest sermons. Nobody does sermons like me. The Sermon on the Mount? Mine will be the Sermon from Trump Tower. Stunning views, very exclusive.”
The choir strikes up a rousing hymn: "Great Is Thy Tremendousness." Elon unveils a hologram of Trump ascending into the heavens, surrounded by golden eagles.
Trump:
“Remember, folks, fundamentalism isn’t about rules; it’s about my rules. Under Trumpdamentalism™, we’re going to win so much you’ll get tired of worshipping. Together, we’ll make fire-and-brimstone feel like a luxury resort. Let’s hear it one more time: Make Fundamentalism Great Again!”
The crowd erupts in chants of “MFGA!” as fireworks (shaped like crosses) explode over the compound. Trump descends from the podium to sign golden autographs for his disciples, while Elon starts crowdfunding for the prayer rocket.
