Make Prisons Great Again
Scene: A large rally in a gleaming, new facility with towering gates and shining barbed wire, emblazoned with a giant banner reading “Make Prisons Great Again.” The crowd, a mix of prison reformers, disgruntled inmates, and curious tourists, buzzes with anticipation. Trump takes the stage, his hair defying gravity once again, holding a speech scroll that looks suspiciously like a fast food menu.
Trump (smiling widely, addressing the crowd):
“Thank you, thank you, everybody. We’re here today to talk about something that’s been mistreated, honestly, for far too long. Prisons. People don’t realize just how great prisons can be. The best prisons. The greatest prisons. I’ve seen a lot of prisons, folks. And let me tell you, some of them are really bad. Just awful. But we’re going to change that, believe me. We’re going to Make Prisons Great Again.”
The crowd murmurs, confused, but polite. Trump waves his hand dramatically.
Trump (continuing):
“Now, some of you might say, ‘Oh, but Mr. Trump, prisons are for punishment and rehabilitation.’ Let me tell you, folks, punishment is too soft. We’re going to turn it around. We’re going to make prisons so great, you’ll want to be there. You’ll look forward to it. You know what? Maybe we’ll even have a hotel section! For those who really want to be comfortable. We’ll have the best accommodations, folks. Tremendous accommodations.”
The crowd stares blankly. A reform activist stands up, shaking their head.
Reform Activist (confused):
“But... Mr. Trump, prison is supposed to be a place for rehabilitation. For reform. People need to be given a chance to reintegrate into society, not treated like... like resorts.”
Trump (waving them off):
“No, no, no, folks. You’re missing it. Rehabilitation is overrated. It’s all about experience. You go in, you get the best service, you meet people. Maybe even a spa day! People love spas, and you know what? It’s all part of making them feel better about themselves. We’ll have luxury suites, gourmet meals, and state-of-the-art security—the best security. No one does security like me. Believe me.”
A man from the back of the room, clearly an ex-inmate, raises his hand.
Ex-Inmate (skeptical):
“Mr. Trump, how are we supposed to pay for all this luxury? Prison reform needs to address things like overcrowding, poor conditions, and mental health services.”
Trump (laughing confidently):
“Simple. We’ll make it a business venture. You know how great I am at business, right? Tremendous at business. We’ll build luxury prisons with the best amenities, and the government will pay for it. People will volunteer to go! It’ll be like a vacation. A really bad vacation—but you’ll get great food. And the best workouts. The best. Everyone will get a personal trainer. I mean, it’s huge.”
A prison guard, looking increasingly uncomfortable, speaks up.
Prison Guard (cautiously):
“But... Mr. Trump, doesn’t that defeat the whole point of punishment? If it’s like a vacation, what’s the incentive to change behavior?”
Trump (smiling proudly):
“Punishment is old-fashioned, okay? Old. We’re moving into the future now. We’re not just about punishment. We’re about giving people a second chance. It’s about giving them the best experience while they’re there. And you know what? The better the experience, the better the reform. They’ll leave ready to start fresh. They won’t want to break the law again—they’ll be too busy enjoying their poolside margaritas. It’s all about changing the environment. Positive thinking, folks.”
The reform activist from earlier opens their mouth to protest, but is drowned out by a rising cheer from the audience, who seem to be oddly excited about the prospect of “poolside margaritas” in prison. A business executive in the front row, taking notes, raises their hand.
Business Executive (enthusiastically):
“Mr. Trump, I think you’re onto something here. If we turn prisons into destination locations, we could create a whole new market for... um, let’s call it ‘correctional tourism.’ I’d love to invest.”
Trump (grinning):
“Exactly! That’s the spirit! Imagine it: Trump’s Luxury Prisons. Exclusive, high-end experiences where every inmate gets a customised itinerary. Maybe even a golf course! Who doesn’t love golf, huh? And you know what? I’m going to open a casino next to every prison. If they’re good, they can even earn a stay at Trump Tower. I’m making great decisions. Believe me.”
The crowd erupts in cheers, unsure whether they’re being serious or if they’ve all wandered into a bizarre fever dream. One of the attendees, an anthropologist, stands up to comment.
Anthropologist (deadpan):
“Mr. Trump, are you suggesting that prisoners should be treated like tourists? A little pampering while serving time?”
Trump (pointing dramatically):
“Exactly! You get it! They’ll get the best experience—high-end dining, top-tier spas, maybe even a personal chef! I’m all about luxury. You know what? I’ll make it so good that people will be begging to go to prison. It’ll be the best prison system—unbelievable. The best. You won’t even recognise it. Make Prisons Great Again! Thank you!”
Trump winks at the audience and walks off stage, satisfied with his latest “great” idea, while a few reform advocates look at each other in existential despair.
Fade out to the sound of a prison bell, followed by the faint sound of clinking champagne glasses.
