Trump:
“Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being here today. We’ve been through a lot, haven’t we? A lot. You all know I love this country, and I’ve done some of the greatest things for this country. But, you know, I’ve been thinking about something—something very, very serious. We’ve got a huge problem, folks, and it's me.”
(The crowd quiets down, unsure of what to expect next.)
Trump:
“That’s right. As much as I love this country, I’ve come to realize something. There’s a threat that’s been lurking, growing, and it’s me—me being re-elected. It’s a disaster, folks, a total disaster. I am too powerful. No one wants me back in office again. I’m so great, it’s scary. And I’m going to fix it. I’m going to make sure I don’t get re-elected. I’m going to make America safe from Trump being re-elected again!”
(The crowd murmurs in confusion. Trump pauses dramatically, watching them closely.)
Trump:
“Now, don’t get me wrong, okay? I love being president. Love it. But we can’t have a re-election crisis. It’s bad for business, bad for the greatest country in the world, and frankly, it’s bad for me as well. So, here's what we're going to do. We’re going to build a wall—a huge wall, like you’ve never seen before. This one’s going to be special. Not just to keep people out, but to keep me in.”
(The crowd is still puzzled, some trying to figure out if this is another one of Trump’s usual grand promises.)
Trump:
“We’re going to build a wall around the White House, folks. A big, beautiful wall. You know, the kind that stops everybody—even me. We’ll have the best contractors, folks, the best. It’s going to be so strong, no one’s getting through, especially me. I’m going to lock myself inside that wall. The greatest wall ever built. I won’t be able to get out, and I won’t be able to run for re-election. It’ll be fantastic. I’ll be safe from re-election!”
(A few people in the crowd start clapping, but it’s hesitant. They look at each other, unsure if they should be laughing or applauding.)
Trump:
“And we’ll have lasers, folks. Laser security. Just like you’ve seen in the movies. And there will be piranhas. No one is getting through that wall. Not even me. You want to re-elect me? Not happening. I’m going to be trapped in there with my golf clubs, my TV, my tremendous snacks—”
(A couple of people laugh, but the atmosphere is still mixed, with some starting to catch on that this might be a joke.)
Trump:
“Now, you might be wondering—'Mr. Trump, if you don’t want to be re-elected, why don’t you just step down?' Well, it’s not that easy, folks. I'm too important, too much of a winner to just walk away. No, no, we need to go all out. I'm doing this for America. For America. We need to make sure no one can ever vote for me again. And trust me, this wall is going to work. It’ll be perfect.”
(Trump gestures grandly, but the crowd is starting to catch on to the absurdity, with a few people chuckling openly now.)
Trump:
“Once I’m inside the wall, folks, I’ll be so secure, so safe, you won’t have to worry about me being re-elected. And I’ll be doing a lot of important work inside that wall. I’ll be perfecting my golf swing, binge-watching my favorite shows, and no one can say anything bad about me. No more election worries. It’s brilliant.”
(A few people stand and start clapping more enthusiastically, thinking it’s some kind of satire. Some are still unsure, looking back and forth, wondering if this is a serious announcement.)
Trump:
“And that’s my plan, folks. We’re going to make America safe from Trump being re-elected again and keep the best country in the world safe and sound. You’re welcome, America! You’re welcome!”
(The crowd erupts into confused applause, with some cheering and others just shaking their heads in disbelief as Trump waves and walks off stage, smiling proudly.)
