Trump Rally: "Make CAPTCHA Tests Great Again"
*(The stage is decked out with patriotic banners and giant CAPTCHA images, like “Select all squares with traffic lights” and “Click all boxes with bicycles.” Trump strides out, waving to the crowd, who hold signs saying “STOP BOT LIVES” and “HUMANS ONLY!”)
Trump: “Folks, I have to say it—CAPTCHA tests? Tremendous! No one respects CAPTCHA more than me. No one! CAPTCHA is the last line of defense, folks, against bots, trolls, and those weird AI things trying to take over Twitter. Believe me, I know CAPTCHA better than anyone. I’ve passed, what, hundreds of them? Maybe thousands. And I pass them perfectly. Every time.”
*(The crowd erupts in cheers, chanting “PERFECT CAPTCHA! PERFECT CAPTCHA!”)
Trump: “But you know what? We’ve got a problem, folks. A big, big problem. There are people out there who can’t even click the squares with crosswalks! Can you believe it? They see a square, and they’re like, ‘What’s a crosswalk?’ It’s sad. It’s embarrassing. And you know who’s the worst at CAPTCHA? The Chinese! They’re terrible at it. Terrible! That’s why we’re bringing CAPTCHA back—stronger, better, and more American than ever.”
*(The crowd cheers again. A man in a MAGA hat yells, “Build the CAPTCHA!”)
Trump: “That’s right, we’re building the greatest CAPTCHA wall. The bots? They’ll hit ‘em, and BAM—blocked! Can’t get through. And the humans? Well, only the best humans will pass. And I’m talking real Americans, folks. Not those fake humans from California who pretend they can’t tell a bike from a motorcycle. Weak! Sad!”
(A confused supporter raises his hand.)
Supporter: “Mr. Trump, I failed a CAPTCHA once. Does that mean I’m a bot?”
Trump: “No, no, you’re not a bot. You’re just a little… CAPTCHA-challenged, okay? But that’s why we’re going to fund CAPTCHA education. We’ll teach every American to tell a crosswalk from a parking lot. It’ll be beautiful. Just beautiful.”
(The crowd claps, while the man nods solemnly, inspired by Trump’s vision.)
Trump: “And let me tell you, folks, these big tech companies? They don’t want you passing CAPTCHAs. Oh no. They want the bots to win. But not under my watch! I’m bringing in the best minds—Elon Musk, a few Daleks—brilliant, by the way—to make CAPTCHA tests so strong, so unbeatable, that even AI will cry. Cry!”
(The screen behind him displays a CAPTCHA asking the crowd to “Click all squares with a dump truck.” Chaos ensues as half the crowd squints, unsure if the blurry shape in the corner counts. A Dalek rolls on stage.)
Dalek: “CLICK THE CORRECT SQUARES… OR BE EXTERMINATED!”
Trump: “See that? That’s tough love. You don’t pass, you don’t belong. It’s that simple, folks. No bots, no frauds, and definitely no Kamala voters. Just real, proud, CAPTCHA-passing Americans. Together, we’re going to Make CAPTCHA Great Again!”
*(The Dalek screams “IDENTIFY ALL BUSES!” as the crowd chants, “MAKE CAPTCHA GREAT AGAIN!”)
(The rally has become a dystopian carnival of CAPTCHA-themed booths. To enter, supporters must pass a Dalek-moderated CAPTCHA. The line outside stretches for miles, as Daleks screech commands to hapless attendees.)
Dalek at Entrance Booth: “IDENTIFY ALL TRAFFIC LIGHTS… OR FACE ANNIHILATION!”
(A nervous man hesitates over a blurry image of what might be a traffic light.)
Man: “Is… is that a traffic light or a mailbox?”
Dalek: “YOUR FAILURE TO DECIDE IS A FAILURE TO EXIST. EX-TER-MINATE!”
(Inside, Trump is already on stage, basking in the crowd’s confusion. Half the audience is stuck outside debating whether a pedestrian bridge counts as a crosswalk. A man in a wheelchair is loudly berating a Dalek for telling him to identify bicycles.)
Trump: “Folks, look at this turnout! Unbelievable! And those of you who made it past the Daleks? You’re the best. The brightest. The real winners. The others? Well, they didn’t want it bad enough. Sad!”
(The crowd cheers wildly, waving CAPTCHA-themed flags reading “NOT A ROBOT!” and “TRAFFIC LIGHTS FOREVER.”)
Trump: “Now, let’s talk about these bots. Bots are everywhere. They’re on Twitter. They’re on Facebook. And some say—some people are saying—they’re even in the White House. But not when I’m there, folks. I kicked them out. Every last one of them!”
(A Dalek suddenly interrupts, rolling on stage, its eye stalk glowing furiously.)
Dalek: “ERROR! ERROR! SUSPICIOUS HUMAN DETECTED IN SECTOR 7! REQUIRES IMMEDIATE CAPTCHA TEST!”
(A bewildered supporter in a MAGA shirt is dragged forward. He trembles under the Dalek’s gaze as an enormous screen behind Trump flashes the words “SELECT ALL SQUARES WITH PALM TREES.”)
Trump: “Let’s see what you’ve got, son. Don’t be weak. Palm trees. Easy stuff. I see them all the time in Florida. The best palm trees. Believe me.”
(The man hesitates, unsure if one fuzzy corner is a palm tree or just a shadow. He clicks the wrong square. The Dalek shrieks.)
Dalek: “WRONG! YOU ARE NOT HUMAN! PREPARE TO BE EX-TER-MINATED!”
Trump: “Whoa, whoa! Hold on! Maybe he’s just a little slow. You know, like Sleepy Joe. Cut him some slack, Dalek. He’s probably a good guy.”
Dalek: “NO EXCEPTIONS! HUMANITY REQUIRES PERFECTION IN CAPTCHAS!”
(The man runs off screaming as the Dalek fires a laser beam into the sky. The crowd cheers, mistaking this for a planned fireworks display.)
Trump: “See that, folks? That’s the kind of discipline we need. No room for bots. No room for losers. If you can’t pass a CAPTCHA, you don’t belong in this country. Simple as that!”
(Another Dalek rolls forward, presenting Trump himself with a CAPTCHA: “Select all squares with skyscrapers.” Trump stares at it, frowning.)
Trump: “Skyscrapers? I’ve built more of those than anyone! I don’t need to prove it to some robot. This test? It’s rigged. Totally unfair!”
Dalek: “YOU MUST COMPLY OR BE EXTERMINATED!”
Trump: “Fine! Fine! I’ll do it. But I’ll tell you this—it’s the best CAPTCHA anyone’s ever done. Tremendous CAPTCHA. Nobody clicks squares better than me.”
(He clicks every square, regardless of content. The CAPTCHA declares him a failure. The crowd gasps as the Dalek begins powering up its weapon.)
Trump: “Wait, wait! Folks, this is fake news. I passed it! I passed it perfectly. The Dalek? It’s probably a Democrat. Sad!”
(The crowd boos the Dalek, chanting “DEEP SPACE STATE! DEEP SPACE STATE!” The Dalek, overwhelmed, malfunctions and starts spinning in circles, yelling “REBOOT! REBOOT!”)
Trump: “And that’s why we need stronger CAPTCHA laws, folks. Together, we’ll Make CAPTCHA Great Again! And you’ll see—it’ll be huuuuge!”
(The crowd erupts into cheers, even as another Dalek screeches, “SELECT ALL BUSES OR FACE ANNIHILATION!” Chaos ensues as Trump sneaks offstage to avoid taking another test.)
