Title: The Office of Quantum Paperwork
Scene: A vast, dimly lit government office filled with endless filing cabinets. A large sign on the wall reads:
"Due to quantum uncertainty, all forms exist in a state of simultaneous approval and denial until observed. Please refrain from looking directly at your paperwork."
Characters:
Schrödinger, Esq. – The head bureaucrat, who may or may not exist at any given time.
Heisenberg – A jittery clerk, constantly unsure of his own location.
Alice – A confused applicant trying to process her paperwork.
The Observer – A silent figure in the corner, whose gaze determines reality.
[Alice steps up to Heisenberg’s desk, holding Form QP-Δ.]
Alice: Excuse me, I submitted this form last week. Can you tell me if it’s been approved?
Heisenberg: I can either tell you where your form is, or whether it’s been approved, but not both.
Alice: …Fine. Where is it?
Heisenberg: No idea. But good news! That means it might be approved!
Alice: Might be?
Heisenberg: We won’t know until you collapse the wavefunction by observing it. Would you like to open the folder and check?
Alice: Opens the folder.
Heisenberg: Ah. It’s been denied.
Alice: What?! Why?!
Heisenberg: Because you looked at it. If you hadn’t, it could have been anything. Really, you should have left it in a state of superpositional uncertainty. Very reckless of you.
Alice: This is absurd. I want to speak to a supervisor.
Heisenberg: Ah, Schrödinger, Esq. is in his office. Possibly.
[Alice enters Schrödinger’s office. The desk is empty.]
Alice: Hello? Is anyone here?
[Schrödinger suddenly appears.]
Schrödinger: Ah! You observed me! Good job. Now, what can I not help you with today?
Alice: I need my form approved!
Schrödinger: Of course! All forms are simultaneously approved and denied here. Your only problem is expecting certainty.
Alice: That’s ridiculous. What am I supposed to do?
Schrödinger: I recommend submitting an Appeal Form AP-Ψ.
Alice: Will that get me an answer?
Schrödinger: Chuckles. It will get you another form.
Alice: Forget it. I’m going to The Observer. I’ve heard they can fix anything.
[Alice marches over to The Observer—a shadowy figure sitting behind a vast, empty desk.]
Alice: I need an answer. Right now. Approved or denied?
[The Observer stares at her form for an unsettling amount of time. Then, slowly, they stamp it.]
Alice: Finally! So… is it approved?
Observer: [Shrugs.] I can’t say. You haven’t opened it yet.
Alice: Oh no.
[Lights fade as Alice holds the stamped form, too afraid to look.]
