Scene 1: Frank’s Secret Rendezvous
(A dingy military surplus store. Frank Costanza marches through the aisles, gripping Camille—who appears to him as a grizzled, battle-scarred Brigadier—by the arm.)
FRANK: ("whisper-shouting") Alright, Camille, I don’t trust those commie punks down at the VA, but you—you understand a real soldier! Now tell me—what’s your stance on bayonet combat in close-quarters trench warfare?
CAMILLE (Brigadier form): Oh, Frank, it’s essential! The French may have abandoned it, but a real man never does!
FRANK: HA! That’s exactly what I said! ("grabs a random bayonet") Look at this—no craftsmanship! The balance is all wrong! You can’t storm a foxhole with this garbage!
STORE CLERK: Sir, please stop waving that around.
(Meanwhile, George has been frantically searching for his father. He enters just in time to see Frank clutching Camille’s hand, a faraway look in his eyes.)
GEORGE: ("shrieking") WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE WITH MY FIANCÉE?!
FRANK: ("defensive") What kind of question is that?! A man can’t take a lady to a military surplus store anymore?!
GEORGE: ("frantic") SHE DOESN’T EVEN LIKE MILITARY SURPLUS STORES!
CAMILLE (Brigadier form, reassuring): Oh no, George, I love them.
(George clutches his chest, wheezing.)
Scene 2: Estelle’s Romantic Getaway
(A fancy café. Estelle Costanza, practically glowing, sits across from Camille—who now appears as a dashing, tuxedo-clad Reginald.)
ESTELLE: ("giggling") Oh, Reggie, you are so cultured. I never meet men like you!
CAMILLE (Reginald form, suavely): And I never meet women as... enchanting as you, Estelle.
(Estelle dramatically fans herself, swooning. The waiter approaches hesitantly.)
WAITER: Ma’am, will your date be ordering anything, or...?
ESTELLE: ("indignant") Of course he will! What kind of question is that?! Reginald, order anything you want!
(The waiter stares at the empty chair. Camille does not appear to him. He writes down an order very, very slowly, backing away.)
(Suddenly, George BURSTS in, out of breath, barely recovered from the military surplus fiasco.)
GEORGE: ("wild-eyed") MA? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!
ESTELLE: ("startled, then smug") I knew you’d try to keep us apart!
GEORGE: ("sputtering") Apart?! FROM WHO?!
ESTELLE: ("gesturing to Camille-Reginald") From Reginald!
(George sees Camille, but only in her normal form, which means... a perfectly ordinary woman sitting in front of his mother. He turns pale.)
GEORGE: ("horrified whisper") You’re CHEATING on Dad?!
(At that exact moment, Frank storms into the café, still clutching the bayonet from earlier.)
FRANK: ("furious") WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!
(Camille, realising she’s about to be caught in multiple forms at once, desperately tries to make a break for it. Chaos erupts. George faints. Frank wrestles with the waiter. Estelle weeps into a napkin. Camille disappears into the night.)
Final Scene: George’s Meltdown
(Back at the Costanza house. George, pale and shaking, sits on the couch while his parents argue.)
ESTELLE: Well, I guess I won’t be seeing Reginald again, thanks to you, Frank!
FRANK: ("grumbling") A real soldier never abandons the fight...
(George suddenly jumps up, eyes bulging.)
GEORGE: YOU’RE BOTH INSANE! I CAN’T TAKE THIS! I’M MARRYING A WOMAN WHO’S ALSO A BRIGADIER AND A BRITISH PLAYBOY, MY PARENTS ARE HAVING AFFAIRS WITH MY FIANCÉE, AND I’M PRETTY SURE A WAITER TRIED TO KILL ME!
(Frank nods sagely.)
FRANK: ("gruff") War is hell, son.
(George collapses onto the couch, defeated. Outside, Camille walks away into the night, sighing.)
CAMILLE: ("murmuring") Maybe Kryten was right... love is too complicated.
