POLICE PRESS CONFERENCE
A podium stands before a line of serious-looking officers. The spokesperson, INSPECTOR ROGERS, shuffles his notes and clears his throat. A sea of journalists waits expectantly.
INSPECTOR ROGERS:
"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. We can confirm that a male individual, Mr. Daniel Smith, is currently assisting police with their inquiries. He is cooperating fully and has been incredibly forthcoming—especially after, uh, several unfortunate accidents."
JOURNALIST 1:
"To clarify, Mr. Smith is not under arrest?"
INSPECTOR ROGERS:
"Oh, absolutely not. Mr. Smith is here entirely of his own accord. In fact, when he arrived, he was so eager to assist that he ran directly into the interview room door. Repeatedly."
JOURNALIST 2:
"Are you saying he injured himself?"
INSPECTOR ROGERS:
"Yes. Well, no. That is to say, injuries did occur, but not as a result of anything untoward. These were entirely self-inflicted, and at times… quite creative. For instance, at one point, Mr. Smith attempted to sit down, but unfortunately, the chair had been, um, momentarily relocated. Gravity, as you know, can be very unforgiving."
JOURNALIST 3:
"Reports indicate Mr. Smith requested legal representation. Has he been granted access to a lawyer?"
INSPECTOR ROGERS:
"We have assured Mr. Smith that he is more than welcome to legal representation. And he has expressed great enthusiasm for this idea. So much enthusiasm, in fact, that in his excitement, he accidentally headbutted the interrogation table. Twice. But as soon as he regains full coherence, we will absolutely revisit that request."
JOURNALIST 1:
"There are also claims that he sustained bruising while in custody—"
INSPECTOR ROGERS:
"Purely accidental. We take duty of care very seriously. It appears Mr. Smith suffered mild bruising when he—ah—misjudged the velocity at which his own face was approaching an officer’s open palm."
JOURNALIST 2:
"So… he walked into a slap?"
INSPECTOR ROGERS:
"Repeatedly, yes."
JOURNALIST 3:
"Is he conscious right now?"
INSPECTOR ROGERS:
"Conscious is a strong word. I would say he is in a state of, uh… deep reflection. He has been given a brief moment to rest his head on the desk. And the floor. And, briefly, a radiator. All entirely voluntary."
JOURNALIST 1:
"Are you aware that members of the public have filmed officers carrying Mr. Smith into the station while he was unconscious?"
INSPECTOR ROGERS:
"Again, this is just a tragic case of misinterpretation. What you saw was actually our officers providing assistance to a very tired man. Mr. Smith, exhausted from his enthusiastic cooperation, briefly lost the ability to stand. Naturally, our officers stepped in to lend a helping hand—much like one might carry a sleepy toddler to bed. Admittedly, toddlers are rarely covered in bruises, but that is neither here nor there."
JOURNALIST 3:
"And what is the next step for Mr. Smith?"
INSPECTOR ROGERS:
"Oh, he has been extremely helpful to our investigation, and we are confident that he will remain so until we, um, finish questioning. If all goes well, we expect he will be leaving the station shortly—either by foot, wheelchair, or ambulance, depending on how cooperative he continues to be."
At this point, a loud thud is heard from inside the station.
MYSTERIOUS VOICE FROM WITHIN:
"I FELL AGAIN!"
INSPECTOR ROGERS:
"And that concludes today’s press conference. No further questions."
He swiftly exits as the journalists erupt into frantic questioning.