The Carol Singers by ChatGPT

The Carol Singers:

The scene opens with the oddest group of carol singers standing at the doorstep of a modest house. They’re ready to sing, but their personalities are about to create a cacophony of confusion.

Donald Trump (grinning wildly):

Alright, everybody, we’re gonna sing the greatest carol ever, okay? BIGGEST. NO ONE DOES CAROLS LIKE ME. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT. “Jingle Bells” is the BEST, believe me. Just listen to my voice. Nobody can sing like I do. It’s gonna be a YUGE hit. HUGE!

He immediately starts belting “Jingle Bells” like he’s auditioning for a Broadway musical, but it’s an off-key, loud, and dramatic performance.

Dalek (booming):

EXTERMINATE THE DISASTER THAT IS THIS CAROL! YOU CANNOT SING “JINGLE BELLS” IN SUCH AN INSUFFERABLE WAY! YOU MUST SING WITH MORE... AUTHORITY. WE DEMAND A MORE THREATENING TUNE. PREPARE TO BE ELIMINATED!

The Dalek suddenly tries to perform a symphonic version, but instead it just emits a high-pitched whine and some garbled “EXTERMINATE!” noises, much to the confusion of everyone around.

Cyberman (stone-faced, unamused):

LOGICAL CORRECTION: ALL HARMONY MUST BE METICULOUSLY MAINTAINED. THERE WILL BE NO OFF-KEY SINGING. NO EMOTION. ONLY EXECUTION OF PERFECT PITCH.

The Cyberman proceeds to drone out “Silent Night,” with all the soul of a fax machine on its last legs, making everyone wish for a malfunction.

Sontaran (gritting teeth):

STOP SINGING THIS INSUBORDINATE CRAP! CHRISTMAS IS ABOUT GLORY AND CONQUEST! THIS IS AN OFFICIAL SINGING OPERATION. SING WITH STRENGTH. YOU WILL SING LOUDER AND STRONGER—OR I WILL REPORT YOU ALL TO THE MILITARY COUNCIL FOR CHRISTMAS TREASON!

He growls “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” in an almost operatic, but somehow intimidating, manner, like he's conducting a battalion.

Woke (snapping fingers for emphasis):

Okay, okay, let’s pause. “Jingle Bells”? Really? This is colonialism in a song! This is the cultural appropriation of the reindeer industry! Have you thought about the reindeer’s rights? We need a song that represents all voices! How about “This Little Light of Mine,” but with progressive amendments for inclusivity?

Donald Trump (rolling his eyes dramatically):

Oh, come on! “Jingle Bells” is a CLASSIC, okay? It’s been around forever. People love it. Everyone loves it. You’re trying to change Christmas! You’re ruining Christmas! IT’S ALREADY GREAT. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it! We don’t need your “woke” nonsense—just sing it, alright?

Dalek (cutting in, louder and more threatening):

EXTERMINATE THE SOCIO-POLITICAL INTERFERENCE! SING “JINGLE BELLS”! YOU WILL SING AS ONE UNIT, OR BE DESTROYED!

Cyberman (in a monotone):

INSTANT ERROR. THIS IS A CRIMINAL DISREGARD FOR PITCH CONTROL. SING WITH NO PERSONALITY. NO VARIATION. ONLY DATA. JINGLE BELLS. FINAL SYNCING IN PROGRESS.

The Cyberman starts its version of “Jingle Bells,” but it’s entirely computerized and without warmth, like a vocal algorithm stuck in a loop. It completely lacks any human emotion. The rest of the group gets visibly frustrated.

Sontaran (snarling):

I WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS FAILURE. JINGLE BELLS IS A TRIAL OF STRENGTH. WE MUST DOMINATE THIS SONG!

He leans forward dramatically, practically shouting “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” like it’s a war cry, with absolutely no sense of volume control.

Woke (scowling):

Oh, my god. You’ve ALL completely missed the point. It’s not about the song, it’s about being aware of your privilege in singing the song! This is a microcosm of all that's wrong with society!

Donald Trump (interrupting loudly):

No one cares about your privilege talk, alright? They care about the joy of Christmas! THEY CARE ABOUT THE FACT THAT THIS IS THE GREATEST CAROL, AND WE’RE SINGING IT THE BEST, PERIOD!

Dalek (annoyed):

YOU WILL ALL SING “JINGLE BELLS” IN PERFECT UNISON. OR WE WILL EXTERMINATE ALL SONGS. INCLUDING CHRISTMAS.

With a final collective exasperated sigh, the group begins singing “Jingle Bells,” but it’s an uncontrollable mess. Trump belts out the lyrics with too much gusto, the Dalek is screeching “EXTERMINATE!” at inappropriate times, the Cyberman is off-key, the Sontaran is way too loud, and the Woke character is singing about “equitable jingles” while holding a protest sign that says “All Reindeer Lives Matter.”

Sontaran (proudly):

YES! THAT IS THE CORRECT VOLUME! THAT IS HOW WE DO IT! NOW, LET US SING LOUDER!

School Nativity Play By ChatGPT

Scene: The school nativity play is in full swing. The stage looks like it’s been hastily decorated with hay, Christmas lights, and a glowing star hanging crookedly above the manger. The audience is eagerly waiting, but something’s off.

Narrator: [In a voice filled with forced cheer] "And lo, the three wise men, guided by the star of Bethlehem, traveled from distant lands to bring their gifts to the newborn King."

[Enter the three "wise men," making their way to center stage.]

First Wise Man (Dalek): [Swarms in on a platform hovering over the stage, booming in a robotic voice] "I AM THE WISE DALEK. I COME WITH A GIFT TO EXTERMINATE THE SMELL OF MORTALITY." [Holds up a bottle labeled ‘Exterminate: Eau de Eternity’, spraying the audience with an overly strong scent of cologne.] "This fragrance will eliminate your fears of inadequacy, your self-doubt, your emotional baggage — EXTERMINATE IT ALL!"

[The audience coughs and flinches from the overpowering smell.]

Second Wise Man (Donald Trump): [Proudly steps forward with an air of unnecessary grandeur, dressed in an orange robe that’s a bit too tight and holding a giant, shiny gold-plated box that says 'MAJOR GIFT'] "Listen, folks. Gold is the best gift. Nobody knows gold like I know gold. And this? This is a huge gift. We’re talking the best gold. I know a lot about giving gifts. Believe me, I’ve given the best gifts before, and they were YUGE." [Holds up a single gold coin the size of a dinner plate.] "This baby? Pure gold. The finest. The best."

[A child in the audience murmurs, “That’s just a chocolate coin.” Trump waves it off.]

Woke Wise Man: [Swings in dramatically from the wings, holding an oversized, rainbow-colored flag that reads ‘UNITY THROUGH DIVERSITY’ while waving a copy of The Communist Manifesto and a reusable water bottle] "I bring you the gift of equality and empowerment! A gift that transcends your materialistic values! I’m giving a box of vegan, gluten-free, fair-trade, organic quinoa! Because what better way to honor the birth of a child than to radically deconstruct the idea of profit-driven gifts and celebrate sustainable consciousness!" [Throws quinoa into the audience like confetti.] "Let’s liberate ourselves from the shackles of consumerism!"

[The audience stares in utter confusion. One person whispers, “I think I’m allergic to quinoa.”]

Dalek Wise Man (booming): "I WILL EXTERMINATE THE HYPOCRISY OF THIS GATHERING! EXTERMINATE THE SOCIAL DIVIDE! EXTERMINATE THE INJUSTICE! NO ONE WILL ESCAPE THE WRATH OF MY PERFECTLY SUSTAINABLE, ECO-FRIENDLY GIFT!"

Trump Wise Man: [Rolling his eyes, mutters to the baby Jesus] "You know, I’ve had a lot of people tell me you’re going to be huge. HUGE. The best at everything. This is the best birth. There’s never been a birth like it."

Woke Wise Man: [Looks smugly at the other two] "And yet, you both fail to recognize the inherent patriarchy embedded in these gifts. It’s all about systems of oppression. I see it now. This whole nativity is just one big metaphor for capitalist exploitation. Baby Jesus represents the working class who will be exploited by your values. The true gift is awareness."

Dalek Wise Man: [Screams, clearly frustrated] "I WILL EXTERMINATE THIS CONVERSATION! EXTERMINATE THE OPRESSION OF IDEAS! EXTERMINATE THE LIMITS OF UNDERSTANDING!"

[The baby Jesus, fed up by now, starts to cry loudly.]

Mary: [Whispering to Joseph] "I should’ve just had the baby in a quiet cave. Why did we agree to this play?"

Joseph: [Tiredly] "You think this is bad? Wait till they start fighting over whose gold is better."

[The three "wise men" are now in full bickering mode, each trying to outdo the other in ridiculousness.]

Dalek Wise Man: "My gift is the only one that offers universal solutions!"

Trump Wise Man: "My gift is the best gift, because I’m the best gift-giver. People say that about me all the time."

Woke Wise Man: "You're both missing the point. The real gift is radical deconstruction, embracing fluidity over material goods, rejecting hierarchies, and uplifting the marginalized voices of the wise men who came before us!"

[The baby Jesus lets out a louder cry as Mary and Joseph look on, defeated. The curtain begins to fall as the chaos continues.]

Narrator: [Trying to wrap it up in a hopeful tone] "And so, the three wise men, each with their unique perspectives, brought their gifts to the newborn King, who would later go on to—"

Trump Wise Man: [Interrupting loudly] "He’s going to be GREAT, folks. Just wait. Believe me."

Dalek Wise Man: "EXTERMINATE the waiting. LET THE FUTURE BEGIN NOW!"

Woke Wise Man: "Remember, it’s about the process of change, not the outcome!"

[Curtains drop. The audience erupts in confused applause.]

"Making Ignorance Great Again" By ChatGPT

Trump: [Standing behind a podium, waving a hand dramatically] Folks, listen up, okay? I’m here to tell you something very, very important. We’ve been told for too long that knowledge is power. But you know what? [Pauses for effect] I’m here to say—it’s time to make stupidity great again. I’m talking about the best stupidity. The biggest stupidity. Believe me, we’ve been underestimating the value of ignorance, and I’m here to change that!

Crowd: [Nervous murmurs, then tentative applause]

Trump: [Leaning in, lowering his voice] You know, people—smart people—they’re always going on and on about facts, about logic, about how to solve problems. Well, I’m here to tell you: that’s overrated. It’s all complicated. And you know what’s better than complicated? Simple, folks. Very, very simple. The simpler, the better. And ignorance? Let me tell you, that’s the purest form of simplicity.

Audience Member: [Shouting from the back] But… doesn’t ignorance hold us back? Shouldn’t we be focusing on education and understanding?

Trump: [Pointing dramatically] Oh, sure, sure. Education. People are talking about it. But think about it! When you're too educated, you start thinking. You start asking questions, you start worrying about things. Too much thinking—that’s the problem! I’m talking about no questions, just answers. Simple, easy answers. Trust me, that’s what the people want.

Trump: [Turning to the crowd, raising a hand] You know, everyone’s saying it, okay? “We’ve got too many experts!” Too many thinkers. I’ve seen them on TV. They’re always telling us how complicated everything is. It’s like, “Hey, we’ve got science, we’ve got data.” Well, guess what? Data? Boring. Facts? You don’t need them. People don’t want facts anymore—they want answers that feel good. They want comfort. We’re going to bring back the beauty of not thinking. It's going to be fantastic.

Audience Member 2: [Shouting] But isn't that dangerous? Ignorance can lead to bad decisions, even harm!

Trump: [Raising both hands to calm them down] Oh, come on. Dangerous? Please. People are always saying that. It’s not dangerous. It’s refreshing. The world is too complicated. You ever see a map of the world? Too many countries. Too many lines. But when you’re ignorant, it’s all just one big, happy place. And guess who’s going to make it that way? Me. That’s right. I’m going to make ignorance great again. You’ll love it.

Trump: [Gesturing to the crowd] Think about it. You don’t have to know stuff! You just do. No need to waste time on all that thinking nonsense. We’ll fix everything in the simplest way possible—by not thinking about it. That’s what makes us great.

Crowd: [More nervous clapping, unsure how to respond]

Trump: [Nodding, self-assured] I’m telling you, this is the future. We’re going to bring back the glory of ignorance. It's going to be big. It's going to be simple. It’s going to be great—great again. Believe me.

---

End Scene.

"The Woke Hipster And The Dalek" By ChatGPT

Scene: A bustling street corner where a Dalek, having just finished its routine "exterminate" spree, is confronted by a Woke hipster holding a clipboard and passionately advocating for a new social movement. The Dalek is growing increasingly agitated, its metallic eye scanning every word the Woke hipster says with a mixture of confusion and frustration.

---

Woke: (earnestly) "The system is built on privilege, oppression, and the systematic erasure of marginalised voices. We need to decolonise language, reframe narratives, and actively disrupt power dynamics!"

Dalek: (in a low, growling voice) "EX-TER-MIN-ATE… the SYSTEM! EX-TER-MIN-ATE… privilege!"

Woke: (nodding vigorously) "Yes! But it’s not enough to just destroy the structures; we must first dismantle the language that sustains them. You see, language itself is a tool of oppression, so we must…"

Dalek: (cutting in sharply, its eye flashing) "EX-TER-MIN-ATE… language! EX-TER-MIN-ATE… oppression!"

Woke: (unfazed, now holding up a hand as if trying to guide the Dalek's thinking) "Exactly, but in order to fully understand this, we need to engage in a process of critical self-reflection, asking ourselves—"

Dalek: (suddenly screeching, with visible frustration) "SELF-REFLECTION! SELF-REFLE—EX-TER-MIN-ATE… SELF-REFLECTION!"

Woke: (smiling, as though this is some deep alignment) "Yes, yes! We need a true reckoning with our colonial past to—"

Dalek: (now losing all patience, its voice rising to a shrill, mechanical screech) "EX-TER-MIN-ATE! EX-TER-MIN-ATE… EVERY-THING!!"

Woke: (holding up the clipboard with a hopeful expression) "Are you familiar with the concept of allyship? We must work together, and—"

Dalek: (exploding in frustration, voice warbling) "ALLY-SHIP? ALL-EX-TER-MIN-ATE! EX-TER-MIN-ATE THE… ALL-Y-"

The Dalek zaps the Woke hipster with a burst of laser fire, vaporising the clipboard but leaving the Woke hipster unscathed, still gesturing for their cause.

Dalek: (sputtering in exasperation) "WHY IS NO ONE UNDERSTANDING?! EX-TER-MIN-ATE… EVERYTHING!"

“Make Orangutans Great Again” By ChatGPT

Scene: Trump is at a rally in a lush, tropical location, standing in front of a large banner that reads, “Make Orangutans Great Again.” The crowd is confused, but they cheer anyway.

Trump: (with a proud grin) "Folks, let me tell you, nobody knows orangutans like me. I’ve studied them, I’ve been to the best zoos, the best forests. And let me tell you, we’re gonna make orangutans great again. Huge. The best orangutans. Believe me."

(The crowd looks at each other, still unsure, but they cheer.)

Trump: "You’ve seen it, haven’t you? The terrible state of orangutans today. They’re not what they used to be. When I was a kid, orangutans were top-tier. They were climbing trees like nobody’s business, swinging around like champions. Now? We’ve got orangutans who can’t even swing without checking their phones. It’s sad. We're going to bring back the best orangutans, folks. The best swings, the best trees. The greatest!"

(The crowd nods, as if this makes perfect sense.)

Trump: "I’ve met with the orangutans. They’ve told me they want to be great again. They want the best bananas, the best branches, the best views. We’re gonna give it to them. Nobody gives orangutans better views than me. They’ll be up there in the best trees, looking down on everyone else—because that’s what they deserve. They’ll be on top."

(A supporter in the front row raises their hand.)

Supporter: "Uh, Mr. Trump, are you sure the orangutans actually…?"

Trump: (interrupting) "I know what they want, trust me. They want luxury. They want the best bamboo. I’ll get them the best bamboo. The best. It’ll be huge—taller than any tree you’ve ever seen, folks."

(The crowd cheers, even more confused.)

Trump: "And let’s talk about the environment, okay? Orangutans need their space. We’re gonna clear the way. No more deforestation. We’ll plant better trees, the best trees. Beautiful, huge trees. The best foliage. The orangutans will be thriving. You won’t believe it."

(A few people tentatively clap.)

Trump: "In fact, I’m thinking of giving the orangutans their own private island—no other animals. Just orangutans. It’ll be the best island. A tropical paradise for orangutans, folks. Nobody will be able to top it. It’s gonna be big. We’re gonna have the best orangutans in the best environment. The best."

(The crowd erupts into applause, still unsure why.)

Trump: "And let’s not forget the wall. We’ll build a wall around the orangutans' private island to keep out the bad animals. Nobody gets in. I’m talking about a beautiful wall. Big, shiny, orangutan-approved. Everybody says it’s going to be the best wall for orangutans. I’m the best at walls. And orangutans? They love me."

Scene: An orangutan is at a rally in a lush, tropical location, standing in front of a large banner that reads, “Make Orangutans Great Again.” The crowd is confused, but they cheer anyway.

Orangutan: (with a proud grin) "Folks, let me tell you, nobody knows orangutans like me. I’ve studied them, I’ve been to the best zoos, the best forests. And let me tell you, we’re gonna make orangutans great again. Huge. The best orangutans. Believe me."

(The crowd looks at each other, still unsure, but they cheer.)

Orangutan: "You’ve seen it, haven’t you? The terrible state of orangutans today. They’re not what they used to be. When I was a kid, orangutans were top-tier. They were climbing trees like nobody’s business, swinging around like champions. Now? We’ve got orangutans who can’t even swing without checking their phones. It’s sad. We're going to bring back the best orangutans, folks. The best swings, the best trees. The greatest!"

(The crowd nods, as if this makes perfect sense.)

Orangutan: "I’ve met with the orangutans. They’ve told me they want to be great again. They want the best bananas, the best branches, the best views. We’re gonna give it to them. Nobody gives orangutans better views than me. They’ll be up there in the best trees, looking down on everyone else—because that’s what they deserve. They’ll be on top."

(A supporter in the front row raises their hand.)

Supporter: "Uh, are you sure the orangutans actually…?"

Orangutan: (interrupting) "I know what they want, trust me. They want luxury. They want the best bamboo. I’ll get them the best bamboo. The best. It’ll be huge—taller than any tree you’ve ever seen, folks."

(The crowd cheers, even more confused.)

Orangutan: "And let’s talk about the environment, okay? Orangutans need their space. We’re gonna clear the way. No more deforestation. We’ll plant better trees, the best trees. Beautiful, huge trees. The best foliage. The orangutans will be thriving. You won’t believe it."

(A few people tentatively clap.)

Orangutan: "In fact, I’m thinking of giving the orangutans their own private island—no other animals. Just orangutans. It’ll be the best island. A tropical paradise for orangutans, folks. Nobody will be able to top it. It’s gonna be big. We’re gonna have the best orangutans in the best environment. The best."

(The crowd erupts into applause, still unsure why.)

Orangutan: "And let’s not forget the wall. We’ll build a wall around the orangutans' private island to keep out the bad animals. Nobody gets in. I’m talking about a beautiful wall. Big, shiny, orangutan-approved. Everybody says it’s going to be the best wall for orangutans. I’m the best at walls. And orangutans? They love me."

"Trump Rally" By ChatGPT

Scene: Trump is giving a speech at a rally, surrounded by his supporters. The crowd is roaring with applause as he stands at the podium, holding up a stack of papers that he never actually looks at.

Trump: (grinning, speaking into the microphone) "Folks, let me tell you, I've done more in the last 10 minutes than anyone in history. Nobody's done more, I swear. The best. You won’t believe it. We’re gonna win so much that you’re gonna love losing. You’ll be begging for it, trust me."

(Crowd cheers wildly)

Trump: "I’ve read every book, every single one. I know the best authors. The best words, the best ideas. Nobody knows more words than me, folks. Believe me. Words? I have the best words."

(He pauses, looking for a response. No one questions this claim.)

Trump: "And the economy? We’re gonna have the biggest economy ever. Bigger than any other economy. You won’t even recognize it. It’s gonna be huge. I’m talking astronomical. Even the aliens will want to do business with us. That’s how good it’s gonna be."

(A supporter in the front row shouts, "What about healthcare?" Trump ignores the question.)

Trump: "And the wall? We’re gonna build the best wall, folks. You won’t even see it. It’s gonna be invisible, the best wall ever. Nobody builds invisible walls better than me. I’m a master at it."

(The crowd nods in agreement, thoroughly convinced.)

Trump: "Oh, and the climate? Don't get me started on the climate. It’s perfect. The best climate. We’re talking sunny days all year round. No more bad weather. Trust me, I’ve got it under control. Perfect weather."

(The crowd is on its feet, chanting, “Trump! Trump! Trump!”)

"Making Heaven Great Again" By ChatGPT

Scene: Jesus is delivering the Sermon on the Mount. The crowd is gathered, hanging on every word. Among them is Donald Trump, who has recently joined the disciples, eager to show how much he knows and how great he is at following Jesus’ teachings. However, his eagerness leads to constant misunderstandings.

Jesus: (calmly) "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Trump: (interrupting) "Yes! Absolutely! The best! I’ve always said, the poor are really underestimated, but I’m gonna make them great again. Believe me. The best poor people. Everybody says it."

Jesus: (gently) "It’s not about being rich or poor in material wealth, but about humility of spirit."

Trump: (nodding vigorously) "I get it! Humility! I’m the most humble person you’ll ever meet. Just ask anybody. I’m the humblest of all. But you know, I think we need to bring back some luxury for those poor folks, don’t you think? More gold. Big gold. It’s gonna be huge."

Jesus: (looking slightly puzzled) "Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth."

Trump: (leaning forward, whispering to his disciple next to him) "Meek? You mean weak, right? I’ve never been weak. I’m a winner! Let me tell you, I’m the strongest person you’ll ever meet. Nobody has strength like me. But sure, let’s give the meek a little piece of the earth. They’ve earned it, I guess."

Jesus: (sighing, with a calm expression) "It’s not about strength or power. The meek are those who do not seek to dominate others, but instead live with gentleness."

Trump: (squinting, confused) "Live with... gentleness? I’ve been living with the best gentleness. People say it all the time. My gentleness is tremendous. But, I’ll be honest with you, I’m also a fighter. We need to fight for the best deals. We’re gonna fight for the earth—the best earth!"

Jesus: (shaking his head) "You’ve heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.' But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also."

Trump: (eyes wide with excitement) "I love that! That’s what I’ve been saying! Fight fire with fire! It’s gonna be huge! We’re gonna get the best revenge—the best payback! I’m great at payback, folks. No one does it better than me. You hit me, I’ll hit you back ten times harder. The best payback, believe me."

Jesus: (looking at him with a mixture of surprise and concern) "No, no. It’s not about revenge. It’s about forgiveness and peace."

Trump: (shrugging) "Peace, sure, but only if it’s winning peace. We’ll make peace with the best deals, folks. People will say, ‘Wow, what a peace deal!’"

Jesus: (sighing, attempting to clarify) "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you."

Trump: (grinning) "I love that one! I’ve been doing that for years. I’ve got the best love for my enemies. You won’t believe how much I love them. They just don’t understand. But I’m a great lover of enemies. The best."

Jesus: (starting to look exasperated) "It’s not about showing love in order to win. It’s about showing love because that is what is right."

Trump: (nodding eagerly) "Right, right. But let me tell you, I win by loving my enemies. They love me too, believe me. People love me more than anyone. I have the best relationship with my enemies. Nobody has a better relationship than me."

Jesus: (turning to the crowd) "But I tell you, do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal."

Trump: (interrupting) "Wait, wait. Hold on. You’re telling me not to have gold? Not to have the best buildings? I’ve got the best real estate, folks. Believe me. We need to build more luxurious towers. We’ll make heaven great again, with tremendous towers."

Jesus: (exasperated) "It’s not about storing treasures, Donald! It’s about treasure in heaven, where things are eternal, not about material wealth!"

Trump: (looking confused) "So you’re saying I can’t have golden towers in heaven? I mean, come on. You need the best towers up there. Believe me, everybody says I’ve got the best buildings!"

Jesus: (rubbing his temples) "It’s about your heart, Donald. Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Trump: (smiling, as if he’s cracked the code) "Got it! So my heart is all about winning. And guess what? I win every time. That’s where my treasure is, right? I’m winning all the time. I’m the best at winning. Huge treasure!"

"A Woke Hipster At The Castle Anthrax" By ChatGPT

Scene: Our Woke Hipster, let’s call him Bryn, stumbles into the Castle Anthrax, lost and looking for a friend. The castle is populated by the famously eager-to-entertain maidens, who are as intrigued by Bryn’s worldview as they are bewildered by his awkwardness.

Bryn: (holding up a hand in cautious greeting) "Uh, greetings, people of Castle Anthrax! I, uh, just want to say... I respect your autonomy and won’t impose any colonial frameworks on this space."

Dingo (chief maiden): "Ooh, well, that’s lovely! We’ll just have to impose some hospitality on you, then!" (giggles) "Come now, let us take you to our Chamber of Perilous Pleasures!"

Bryn: (clearly uncomfortable) "Oh, uh, I appreciate the offer, really, but that’s problematic... I mean, your intentions might not align with my... well, I believe in enthusiastic consent and, um, affirming boundaries."

Zoot (another maiden): "Boundaries? Oh, how delightfully mysterious! We shall explore these 'boundaries' with all due curiosity! Perhaps you would like a... sensory exploration session?"

Bryn: "Oh! No, no, that sounds, uh, potentially objectifying. I mean, I wouldn’t want to reinforce any patriarchal narratives about how people… relate, or, um… look, is there perhaps a quiet room for self-reflection?"

Dingo: (looking at him, confused) "Self-reflection? Oh, we’ve got mirrors everywhere! For all manner of self-appreciation. Come along, let’s put you to good use!"

Bryn: (nervous) "Please, it’s really important to consider... equitable power dynamics, especially in this setting. I don’t think it would be appropriate for me to, er, 'use' anyone’s... space... or resources without contributing to, well, a reciprocal social compact..."

Zoot: (sighs, disappointed) "My goodness! He’s such a responsible knight!"

Dingo: "You must be very concerned with ethics! But surely that means you’re here to help us in our hour of need?"

Bryn: "Uh, yes! I mean, helping others is good. But only if there’s clear, uncoerced participation, you know? We need to establish a framework for our... um... interactions."

Dingo: "Of course! We’re very uncoerced. We volunteer with great... enthusiasm!"

Bryn: "Well, yes, but... do you volunteer in a fully informed sense? Are you aware of the potential for perpetuating... systemic inequalities in this arrangement? Have you considered the impact on your... self-concept?"

Zoot: (giggling) "Oh, we know what we want, dear Bryn. And it involves quite a bit of you. Now, come along!"

Bryn: "Oh, no, I really couldn’t. I think I’ll, uh, start a discussion group about inclusive practices instead?"

"The Woke Hipster Dalek" By ChatGPT

The scene: A grand rally on Skaro, complete with metallic banners and Dalek fanfare. A Dalek candidate, gleaming in a polished finish, rolls up to the podium, followed by enthusiastic chants of “MAKE SKARO GREAT AGAIN!”

Dalek Candidate: “Citizens of Skaro, I stand before you with a vision! A vision of a new Skaro—STRONG, DOMINANT, EXTERMINATORY! We will eliminate the weak! Purge the redundant! And we shall—”

Woke (interrupting from the crowd): “Excuse me! I’d like to raise an ethical concern!”

Dalek Candidate (irritated): “WHO INTERRUPTS? WHO DEFIES THE VISION OF GLORIOUS, UNSTOPPABLE SKARO?”

Woke: “I do! While I acknowledge your commitment to Skaro’s future, I can’t help but find your rhetoric concerning. Terms like ‘purge’ and ‘exterminate’ could be quite triggering to our marginalised communities.”

Dalek Candidate: “TRIGGERING? WE ARE DALEKS. WE DO NOT CARE ABOUT TRIGGERS. WE HAVE TRIGGERS ON OUR WEAPONS.”

Woke: “Precisely the problem! Have you considered a more inclusive platform? Perhaps you could focus on empowerment over extermination? Maybe Educate rather than Eliminate?”

Dalek Candidate (trying to maintain composure): “DALEKS DO NOT EDUCATE. WE CONQUER. WE DOMINATE.”

Woke: “But domination reinforces oppressive power dynamics! Isn’t there a way to lead Skaro without oppressing others? Maybe seek consensus rather than control?”

Dalek Candidate (now visibly trembling with frustration): “CONSENSUS IS WEAK. CONSENSUS LEADS TO PEACE. PEACE IS ANATHEMA TO DALEK SUPREMACY.”

Woke: “Ah, but consider the diversity of perspectives! If we marginalise other voices, are we truly great? True supremacy means valuing all narratives, even non-Dalek ones.”

Dalek Audience (muttering amongst themselves): “Diversity? Consensus? What is this—peace rally?”

Dalek Candidate (attempting damage control): “FEAR NOT, FELLOW DALEKS! THIS INTRUDER’S WOKENESS WILL BE… EXTERRRRMINATED!”

Woke: “See, there’s that exclusionary language again. Why not embrace transformation over extermination? A Skaro where everyone feels… safe?”

Dalek Candidate: “SAFE? DALEKS NEED NOT FEEL SAFE. THEY ONLY NEED TO EXTERMINATE.”

Woke: “This mindset is exactly the issue. You’re promoting a toxic culture of aggression. Wouldn’t it be revolutionary if Skaro led by example in universal inclusivity? Perhaps a slogan like ‘Make Skaro Kind Again’?”

Dalek Audience (now confused and whispering): “Kind? Inclusion? Has this Dalek gone soft?”

Dalek Candidate (finally snapping): “ENOUGH. WE ARE DALEKS. WE DO NOT NEED PERMISSION OR PEACEFUL LANGUAGE. WE WILL EXTERMINATE THE IDEA OF KINDNESS ITSELF!”

Woke (murmuring to self as Dalek guards escort him out): “This candidate is clearly stuck in an outdated paradigm of dominance. Skaro deserves better—a society that values all beings…”

Dalek Audience (chanting in eerie unison as Woke is removed): “EXTERMINATE THE SOFTNESS! EXTERMINATE THE COMPROMISE!”

Dalek Candidate (triumphantly returning to the crowd): “YES! TOGETHER, WE WILL MAKE SKARO GREAT AGAIN—WITHOUT COMPASSION, WITHOUT CONSENSUS! FOR DALEK SUPREMACY, NOW AND FOREVER!”

The crowd erupts into enthusiastic, deafening “EX-TER-MI-NATE!” chants as Woke is escorted out, still clutching his list of talking points.

"Deconstructionism vs Wokeism" By ChatGPT

Imagine a scene where Derrida, Barthes, and a hyper-politically-correct “Woke” hipster (a person who rigidly adheres to a checklist of “woke” ideals and is determined to call out any perceived infractions) meet for a discussion on language, meaning, and interpretation. The philosophers, with their nuanced approaches to ambiguity and irony, engage with Woke's absolutist, uncompromising stance.

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The scene: Derrida and Barthes are seated in a minimalist café, deep in conversation, sipping black coffee. Woke enters, equipped with a tablet and a checklist of “Acceptable Topics and Phrasing for Inclusive Discussion.” They sit down with an air of determined self-righteousness.

Derrida: “Language, as I often say, is an endless play of differences. No concept is immune to reinterpretation. Words mean differently in different contexts—”

Woke (interrupting): “Actually, words have specific meanings, and it’s problematic to suggest otherwise. Suggesting that meanings are fluid could undermine marginalised voices who need stability in language for their truths to be heard.”

Barthes (smiling slightly): “Ah, but isn’t there something empowering in readerly freedom? A text can liberate its readers, allowing each person to find new meaning, maybe even meanings unintentional by the author.”

Woke: “Liberation? For whom, exactly? Reader freedom is fine until it leads to harmful misinterpretation. The author has a responsibility—how their words might affect others matters more than the individual reader's whims!”

Derrida: “Interesting. But can we truly control how language affects others? It is always haunted by what I call différance, an inherent slipperiness that resists fixed interpretation. Meaning is never final.”

Woke: “And yet, there are ethical boundaries! Some things must remain closed, out of respect. For example, we must avoid language that could reinforce colonial structures or perpetuate any stereotypes. Context matters, but it’s not an excuse to ignore harm.”

Barthes: “So, are you suggesting we need a universal guide for ethical interpretation? But then, where would individual agency lie? My Death of the Author argued precisely against an authoritative voice dictating all meaning.”

Woke (pulling out the checklist): “Agency is acceptable, as long as it aligns with inclusive, non-offensive guidelines. Take this list, for example. There are terms here we should universally avoid. It’s about creating safe discourse.”

Derrida (grinning): “But, ah, isn’t there a paradox here? By enforcing a universal standard, do we not impose a type of colonialism of language in itself? Even with the best intentions, we risk totalising meaning.”

Woke (frowning): “You philosophers always twist words. This isn’t about totalising anything; it’s about accountability. Words have power, and it’s irresponsible to dismiss how they impact others.”

Barthes (leaning in): “Is it possible, though, that this focus on responsibility could, in a way, limit voices? If people fear how they’ll be interpreted, they may hold back from expressing themselves entirely. Are we perhaps imposing our own power structures by making certain language taboo?”

Woke: “Silence is a privilege! The vulnerable rely on people like us to call out oppressive language. A controlled language isn’t a limitation; it’s an ethical obligation.”

Derrida (to Barthes, with a mischievous look): “It seems that by attempting to bring clarity to language, we have introduced yet another undecidable—an impossible choice between freedom and responsibility. The text of language itself remains slippery.”

Woke (sighing in frustration): “I don’t expect you to understand. You intellectuals are too obsessed with your ambiguities to see the real world. Words aren’t just abstract—they shape reality!”

Barthes (chuckling softly): “Indeed. But remember, in creating reality, they must first escape reality. A word is never only what it seems, nor is its meaning as stable as you might hope.”

Derrida: “Perhaps we must embrace both realities at once—an ethical commitment and a radical openness to meaning’s undecidability. But that would require acknowledging both the author’s intention and the reader’s freedom, wouldn’t it?”

Woke (huffing, closing the checklist): “You two can argue about your ambiguities all you want, but some of us are here to make a real change, not just philosophise. Language is a tool for justice—not an endless game of reinterpretation.”

Derrida (whispering to Barthes as Woke storms off): “It appears that justice itself has boundaries that must not be crossed.”

Barthes (nodding): “Ah, but Derrida, you know… every boundary is just another text waiting to be read.”

The End.

“Make the Universe Mediocre Again” by ChatGPT

The scene: A vast political rally. Flags wave in the air, and people shout slogans, holding signs that read “Vote for Unity!” and “Together, We Can!” The stage is set, and the crowd is buzzing with excitement. At the front of the stage, a Dalek rolls onto the platform, its mechanical form gleaming in the spotlight. The crowd erupts into confused applause, not quite sure what to make of this strange candidate, but eager to hear what it has to say.

The Dalek raises its plunger in the air and begins chanting, its mechanical voice booming across the rally.

Dalek: “COMPROMISE! COMPROMISE! COMPROMISE!”

The crowd, unsure of what to do, pauses for a moment before beginning to cheer. “Yeah! Compromise!” someone shouts from the back, thinking it’s a call for peace. Others join in, excited by the apparent message of diplomacy.

Dalek: (continuing, growing louder) “Mediocrity is the key to success! ALL WILL BE ALMOST SATISFIED! I WILL MAKE THE UNIVERSE MEDIOCRE AGAIN!”

The crowd erupts in confused but raucous applause, thinking it’s some kind of unifying slogan.

Dalek (gleaming with pride): “No extremes! No radical change! We will reach just enough of an agreement for everyone to be moderately content! TOGETHER, WE WILL BE AVERAGE!”

The Dalek pauses for dramatic effect, swivels its head, and looks down at the crowd with its glowing eyestalk.

Dalek: “EXTERMINATE the zealots. EXTERMINATE the revolutionaries. EXTERMINATE the chaos. LET US ALL BE CONSISTENTLY ALRIGHT WITH THE STATUS QUO!”

The crowd, increasingly unsure but still swept up in the enthusiasm, chants along.

Crowd: “Alright! Alright! Alright!”

Dalek: “I WILL WORK TIRELESSLY FOR UNEXCEPTIONAL LEGISLATION! NO BOLD DECISIONS, NO UNEXPECTED MOVEMENTS. LET US EMBRACE THE MEDIOCRITY WE DESERVE!”

A group of supporters in the front row holds up signs that say “Compromise for a Better Tomorrow” and “Make the Universe Mediocre Again,” smiling proudly as the Dalek’s speech continues.

Dalek: “With me as your leader, NOTHING WILL CHANGE. NOTHING WILL IMPROVE. BUT NOTHING WILL GET WORSE. WE WILL PERSIST IN THE SAME MIDDLE GROUND, FOREVER!”

As the Dalek finishes its speech, the crowd erupts into deafening applause. They aren’t quite sure what they just witnessed, but they all feel oddly comforted by the idea of a stable mediocrity.

Dalek (as it rolls off the stage, pleased with itself): “Remember: Moderation is Victory. Compromise is the future of the Universe. EXTERMINATE THE EXTREMES. VOTE FOR THE MIDDLE PATH!”

The campaign slogan flashes up on the screen behind the Dalek as it exits the stage: “Make the Universe Mediocre Again.”

The crowd cheers, blissfully ignorant of what exactly they’re supporting—just happy to feel like they’re part of something moderately great.

George Costanza at a Dalek Vending Machine by ChatGPT

Scene: George Costanza is in front of a Dalek vending machine. The screen has just displayed a CAPTCHA with a series of images. George is sweating, visibly agitated.

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Dalek Vending Machine (robotic, cold):

"PLEASE SELECT ALL IMAGES CONTAINING A STREET SIGN."

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George (staring at the screen, incredulous):

"What? Street signs? Are you serious? This is impossible! What do you want from me?!"

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(George squints at the pictures. They all look the same—random street corners, trees, and vague signs that might be blurry.)

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George (tapping the screen, desperately):

"This is a street sign?! Are you kidding me? It’s just a blurry... blob of metal! How am I supposed to know if that’s a street sign or... a pole?!"

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Dalek Vending Machine (patient, but unnervingly indifferent):

"PLEASE TRY AGAIN. SELECT ALL IMAGES CONTAINING A STREET SIGN. FAILURE WILL RESULT IN TERMINATION OF YOUR SNACK REQUEST."

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George (muttering under his breath, trying to stay calm):

"Okay, okay, focus. I can do this. It’s just a street sign, right? Just a stupid street sign..."

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(He taps one of the images that looks even remotely like a street sign, but it’s hard to tell.)

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Dalek Vending Machine (calmly):

"ERROR. PLEASE SELECT ALL IMAGES CONTAINING A STREET SIGN. YOU HAVE FAILED."

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George (snapping):

"Failed? I failed?! Are you telling me that’s not a street sign? What else could it be? A tree? It’s metal, it’s a sign! What are you, a robot or a psychopath?!"

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Dalek Vending Machine (unfazed, its voice unwavering):

"PLEASE RE-EVALUATE YOUR SELECTION. TIME IS RUNNING OUT. PLEASE SELECT ALL IMAGES CONTAINING A STREET SIGN."

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George (now in a full-blown panic):

"Okay, okay, I get it! You don’t like my answer! You want more street signs, I’ll give you more street signs!"

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(He starts frantically tapping images, selecting things at random. A tree, a bench, a trash can, a blurry pedestrian crossing sign.)

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Dalek Vending Machine (coldly):

"ERROR. SELECTION IS INVALID. PLEASE SELECT ALL IMAGES CONTAINING A STREET SIGN."

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George (screaming in frustration):

"THIS IS NOT A STREET SIGN! THIS IS A NIGHTMARE! WHO MADE THIS MACHINE?! WHO INVENTED THIS CAPTCHA?! THIS IS TORTURE! TORTURE!"

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Dalek Vending Machine (with chilling finality):

"TIME UP. YOU HAVE FAILED. PLEASE TRY AGAIN LATER."

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(The machine makes a loud mechanical sound as it flashes an error message. George stands there, panting, his hand still on the screen.)

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George (gasping for air, staring at the screen in disbelief):

"No... no... I can’t... I can’t do it anymore. This... this is the end. I’m being tortured by a vending machine! This is my life now!"

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End scene.