Scene: Purgatory – The Waiting Room of the Afterlife
The Costanzas find themselves in a drab, grey office-like space. A flickering fluorescent light buzzes overhead. A tired-looking angel sits behind a reception desk, sipping coffee from a mug that reads "I can’t believe I’m still here." A large “Take a Number” machine stands to one side, and a digital display reads: “Now Serving: 0003.”
Frank: (surveying the room) "What is this, a DMV? We escaped hell for this?!"
George: "It’s purgatory, Dad. It’s supposed to be a transitional state. A place of reflection."
Frank: "Reflection? I don’t need reflection! I know exactly what I’ve done! What I want is service! Hey, wings!" (points at the angel) "How long is this gonna take?!"
Angel: (without looking up) "Take a number, sir."
Frank storms over to the number machine and yanks out a ticket. He glares at it, then at the display.
Frank: "What the hell? I mean, what the purgatory?! This says 458! They’re on number 3!"
Estelle: "Well, at least we’re not burning in hell, Frank."
Frank: "Not burning? This is worse than hell! At least in hell, there was some action! Fire! Drama! Here, it’s like waiting for your car to get inspected!"
George: "Why is everything a catastrophe with you, Dad? Just sit down!"
Frank plops into a chair, crossing his arms. The seat immediately creaks and wobbles under him.
Frank: "You call this furniture? Cheap junk! They couldn’t spring for decent chairs in purgatory?"
A disembodied voice chimes over a crackly PA system:
PA: "Now serving... Number 4."
Frank: (throws his hands up) "Oh, great! At this rate, we’ll be here for eternity!"
George: "That’s kind of the point, Dad!"
Estelle starts poking around the room, opening cabinets and drawers.
Estelle: "Frank, look! They’ve got pamphlets!" (picks one up and reads) "‘So You’re Stuck in Purgatory: A Beginner’s Guide.’"
Frank: "Pamphlets?! I don’t need a pamphlet! I need answers! Hey, angel! Get over here!"
The angel sighs heavily, puts down the coffee, and walks over to the desk’s edge.
Angel: "What seems to be the problem, Mr...?"
Frank: "Costanza. Frank Costanza. And the problem is this operation! Who’s running purgatory, anyway? You people don’t have enough staff, your chairs are falling apart, and you’re wasting time on pamphlets nobody reads!"
Angel: (deadpan) "We’re experiencing high call volume. Your patience is appreciated."
Frank: "Oh, don’t give me that customer service nonsense! High call volume?! What’s next, you’re going to put me on hold?!"
George: "Dad, stop yelling at the angel!"
Frank: "I’ll yell at whoever I want! I’m Frank Costanza!"
Suddenly, the lights dim, and a booming voice echoes through the room.
Voice: "Who dares disrupt the tranquility of purgatory?"
The Costanzas freeze as a majestic figure descends from above—a glowing, intimidating archangel with flaming wings.
Estelle: "Oh, Frank, now you’ve done it!"
Frank: (standing his ground) "I’m not scared of you! You’ve got a nice light show, but I’ve seen worse at a Pink Floyd concert!"
The archangel looks down at Frank, bemused.
Archangel: "You, mortal, possess a uniquely aggravating spirit. Yet your complaints... are not entirely unwarranted."
Frank: "Not unwarranted? Of course, they’re not! Look around! This place needs a manager who knows what they’re doing!"
Archangel: "Very well. Frank Costanza, we shall expedite your review."
Frank smirks triumphantly as George slumps in defeat.
George: "I can’t believe this is happening."
Estelle: "Don’t look at me, George. I married him, remember?"
The Archangel gestures, and a portal opens.
Archangel: "Step through, mortals, and prepare for judgment."
Frank strides toward the portal.
Frank: "About time! Let’s see what this judgment is all about. And if it’s not fair, you’ll be hearing from me!"
As they disappear through the portal, the angel at the desk picks up the coffee mug and mutters:
Angel: "Hell has no fury like Frank Costanza."
