[The scene is set: The Bridge of Death, shrouded in mist. The ancient Bridgekeeper waits, stroking his gnarled beard. The divine entourage approaches: Elohim and Yahweh in heated argument, Jesus Christ looking serene yet wary, and The Holy Ghost, a flickering, incorporeal presence.]
Bridgekeeper: Stop! Who dares to cross the Bridge of Death must answer me these questions three, ere the other side they see.
Elohim: (rolling His eyes) Yahweh, we don’t have time for this. We’ve got universes to oversee. Can’t you just smite him?
Yahweh: (gritting His teeth) Smiting is not always the solution, Elohim. Let’s do this properly, for once.
Jesus Christ: (gently) Father, let’s approach this with humility. Blessed are the meek, remember?
Yahweh: (grumbling) You try being meek when you’ve spent eternity dealing with complaints about plagues and weather patterns.
The Holy Ghost: (manifesting as a faint breeze) Can we just... float over? I feel very ignored in these situations.
Bridgekeeper: Silence! Who will answer first?
Elohim: I will. Let’s get this over with.
Bridgekeeper: (with a sly grin) Very well. What... is your name?
Elohim: I am Elohim, Creator of the Heavens and the Earth.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Elohim: To bring order to the cosmos and debate endlessly with Yahweh over whose approach is more righteous.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the square root of pi?
Elohim: (pausing) Oh, that’s easy. It’s— (suddenly flung into the gorge) Aaaaah!
Yahweh: (watching Elohim plummet) I told Him to stop being so smug.
Bridgekeeper: Next!
Yahweh: (stepping forward, cracking His knuckles) Let’s see what you’ve got.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Yahweh: I am Yahweh, the one true God, jealous and omnipotent.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Yahweh: To remind everyone, repeatedly, that I am the one true God, and to smite those who forget.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
Yahweh: (sneering) Do you mean African or European?
Bridgekeeper: (blinks) Correct. You may pass.
Jesus Christ: (stepping forward) My turn.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
Jesus Christ: Jesus of Nazareth, Son of God, Light of the World.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
Jesus Christ: To spread love, forgiveness, and salvation to all mankind.
Bridgekeeper: What... is the sound of one hand clapping?
Jesus Christ: (smiling) It is the silence of understanding.
Bridgekeeper: (nodding slowly) You may pass.
The Holy Ghost: (drifting forward, ethereal and shimmering) My turn, I suppose.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your name?
The Holy Ghost: I am The Holy Ghost, the essence of God, the unseen but ever-present.
Bridgekeeper: What... is your quest?
The Holy Ghost: To unite the divine and the earthly in perfect harmony.
Bridgekeeper: What... did you have for breakfast?
The Holy Ghost: (puzzled) I... don’t eat?
Bridgekeeper: (strokes beard thoughtfully) Fair enough. You may pass.
[As The Holy Ghost floats serenely across, Yahweh turns back to the Bridgekeeper.]
Yahweh: Really? Breakfast?
Bridgekeeper: (shrugging) I have to mix it up sometimes.
